Time To Write Again

Hello again Internet People!  I decided I better start getting back into the routine of writing everyday if I am ever going to go forward with the whole idea of ever doing anything with it.  I knew going into Thanksgiving that I was going to have a rough time of the holiday season this year, and not writing during that time actually helped me get through it a little easier.  I have a nasty habit of fixating on things that bother me, to the point where I lose touch with everything else that matters and can only see the absolute horror and tragedy of that one specific thing (whatever the hell it may be this week).  That was my main goal this year, just to get through this damn season of "joy" without giving in to the fixations.  And I have to say, I did pretty damn good this year.  I still have one more day to get through, but it is the one I am most used to, so I don't expect it will be too terribly bad this year.

I don't really know how to explain just how incredibly difficult the holidays are for me.  It has less to do with "Christmas" itself than the other days around it.  Christmas is hard, but it has always been a day about disappointments more than anything else, so that's not really that big of a deal anymore.  No, you see my issue with this time of year is with the birthdays of real children, my children.  If you haven't been following along the short version is that I had three children with my ex-husband.  The first was stillborn on New Year's Day six months after we were married, the second was born 7 weeks premature three days before the next Christmas, and the third was born a year and a half later.  Due to circumstances beyond my control I have not seen or heard from the two younger ones in almost 7 years.  They are full grown adults now, my son celebrated his 21st birthday last week, and that was the day I almost lost it.  I wanted so badly to reach out to him, to let him know how much I miss him every single gawd damn day.  But I can't.  And knowing that I can't is the single hardest thing that I have to live with.

So, maybe you can see why dwelling on all of this is not fucking good for my fragile mental health.  Now that the worst of it is behind me for another year I need to focus on other things and get moving in the right direction again.  And that is why I am going to try to get back to this whole writing stuff everyday thing again.  I was doing pretty good before I shut it down for the holidays, hopefully I can do even better now.  

I need to figure out a long term writing project that I can start working on.  If I ever want to try to publish a book I would have to actually write one first.  The writing part doesn't bother me nearly as much as the figuring out what the fuck to write about part does.  Its as bad as the figuring out which art quilt project to work on next.  Too many fucking options and never enough hours in a lifetime to accomplish them all.  So, of course it becomes absolutely essential that I waste hundreds of those precious hours not doing a damn thing because I could choose one thing to do.  Yeah, that shit is getting kind of old.  I would really like to move beyond that and just get to work on stuff.  Until then, I am going to be doing a lot of rambling here on the Blog since that at least makes me feel like I have accomplished something, even if it isn't much.                  

                         

Speaking of accomplishing things, I did manage to get you all pictures of my progress on the Drake this morning, so I will leave you with these:

                            

Mother's Potato Pancake Surprise

Hello Internet People! Mother just finished her "work" for the day (other than the laundry - but that goes on forever around here), and thought she should stop in here for a bit before she gets back to stitching.  

I have a new recipe if anyone is interested.  Last night was a "Mom-concoction" dinner night, and this one was actually a success.  I was inspired by something my son was telling me his girlfriend made one night, and I had to give it a try.  Mine was of course nothing like what she made, but it was her fault I tried it so I thought she should get the credit anyway.

Here's the recipe (all measurements are approximations, I don't measure stuff when I make concoctions) :      

Mother's Potato Pancake Surprise

3 c. leftover mashed potatoes

2 eggs

1 c. crushed seasoned bread crumbs

1 c. finely diced ham

1/2 c. finely diced green peppers

1/4 c. finely diced onion  

1/2 c. shredded carrots

1 c. shredded cheese

salt and pepper to taste.

Mix all the ingredients well, shape into patties and fry over medium heat until browned on both sides.  They were pretty sticky, you could probably add more bread crumbs to make it hold together better, but they turned out pretty well, and they tasted Great! 

                                    

                      

Post Holiday Updates

 Hello Internet People. I hope everyone made it through the holiday without too much family drama.  We had a very quiet, and very pleasant day, just my husband and I and our two youngest children.  We had one of the neighbors over for dinner, he just went through a nasty break-up and has no family in the area and I didn't want him to be alone on Christmas.  It was nice to have company without the stress of wondering when the conflict will start.


I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that we had already decided not to do the whole Christmas presents thing this year, so there were no presents to unwrap, except a few for the boys from their oldest brother.  The boys also each got a little Tablet computer from Dad, and I spent a week putting games and books on them, but that was the grand total of our Christmas.  And you know what?  Every body was just fine with it.  There were no groans, complaints, or whining of any kind, the boys knew it was going to be that way and they really didn't mind at all.  I sure do have some great kids.  And you know what else was really quite amazing to me?  Not once during the entire day did I ever hear either kid say a word about being bored!  Every Christmas for the last 20 years somebody has uttered those words to me before the end of Christmas day, but not this year. 

As for me, I managed to make it through (so far) without any major breakdowns or emotional collapses, so I am calling it a successful holiday season.  I finished most of the stitching on my Dragon that I have been working on, he still needs some work on his eye, but I think I will need to do that by hand to get it to work out right.  He still needs to be framed out and mounted, but I have rolled him back up and put him away again for now to start on my next project.  Here are a couple of pictures of the Dragon:

                             

                                     

I had so much fun stitching in all of the scales on this guy that I decided I needed to spend some more time practicing my machine stitching control.  So, now I am working on a Drake.  I didn't feel like trying to "draw" something to work on so I found a picture in my library that I printed out on a laser printer transparency.  I took some of this awesome stabilizer stuff that I found and traced the pattern onto it.  The stuff I used has an adhesive on one side, but is totally water soluble.  So you can stick it to any fabric, stitch thru it and then squirt it with some water and its gone!  I originally bought the stuff when I was trying to embroider on some vintage hankies, instead of hooping the delicate fabric of the handkerchiefs I just hooped the stabilizer and then stuck the hankies down on top with the adhesive. This is what I use:

Ken's Sewing Adhesive Sew N Wash Embroidery Stabilizer

I think I found a similar product at an online discount sewing supply place last week, but this is the brand I am using, and I do love the stuff.  I have found dozens of uses for it since I bought it, and this is yet another one.

Anyway, I traced the pattern using a pencil because I wasn't sure what the liquid in a pen might do to the stabilizer, probably would have worked fine, but I didn't feel like messing with it, so I used a pencil.   Then I just peeled off the paper backing of the stabilizer and laid it down on the fabric.  I put another piece of a tear away adhesive backed stabilizer behind the fabric for additional support since I plan on doing a LOT of stitching on this thing, and I actually put the whole thing in an embroidery hoop, which is something I don't generally do, but I wanted to try it to see if it would help or not.  So far so good on that, it does give me a little more control I think, and it is definitely keeping the fabric from puckering, I just need a bigger hoop.  Here are a couple of pictures of the stuff I used, the Drake pattern drawn out on the stabilizer, and the fabric he is being stitched on:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next time I will try to get you all some more pictures of him in progress.  He is stuck in the machine (not "stuck" really, but I am in the middle of stitching something) and I can't take him out yet, so you will have to wait for those.  So far he is coming along pretty well, time consuming as all hell, but that was kind of the point.  He is another project designed solely to keep my mind occupied so that I don't go off fixating on all the negative thoughts that I have to battle at this time of the year.  And he is doing his job very well.

                 

                              

I Was Born This Way

I wasn't raised to be independent, I was just born this way.  

I was talking to a friend and this was my reply when she told me she was raised to be politically independent.  The moment I finished typing those words they struck me as being very profound, and very important, and very true. 

Everything I am as a person.  Everything I believe, and everything I hold Dear to me as a human being, are counter to the world I was raised in, the things I was "taught".  How do conservative christian republican families end up with radical liberal independent children?  It sure ain't "nurture", it's got to be "nature", right?  And, why oh why, do the people who claim to believe so strongly in "God" always have to be the ones who despise nature?  I thought He "created" everything, why do you despise what He created?

If you ever wondered why I speak out so adamantly for LGBT Rights when they have no direct effect on my life, this is why.  I have been made to live most of my life hiding in the corner or "in the closet" because of who I am as a person and what I believe, just as some people would have them do.  Because of the way they were born.  You can argue genetics, biology, or choice till the cows come home, it does not change a fucking thing.  People ARE born the way they are born and some things just cannot and should not be changed.  I may not be gay, but according to most people who I am is rather "queer" and my ideologies are as great a threat as the gays have ever been to their comfortable little delusions.  So, of course, I have no choice but to stand up for LGBT Rights, I mean, its not like I could ever stand up for my own.

                            

Time For Some Straight Talk on Guns

Along with what I hope is the majority of my countrymen I have been doing a lot of thinking this weekend.   I posted on Friday on my Mother Has Issues Blog about how I believed that Friday's tragedy was more representative of the problems in our mental health care system than our gun laws, and I still stand behind that assertion.  There are no laws that could have prevented Friday's tragedy, except perhaps the complete criminalization of all private gun ownership, and as much as a few people might be campaigning for that, I really don't think that is ever gonna fly in this country.  And I am still convinced it wouldn't stop the horrendous acts of mass violence, there are too many ways to hurt people, anyone determined to do so will do so, guns or no guns.

That being said, I do believe it is way beyond time for some reasonable and responsible gun laws in this country.  My husband is probably gonna be ticked off at me if he reads this post, but this is where I post MY thoughts, not his, so he will just have to be mad.  If you have followed my writings for any length of time you already know that I have always been a fervent and adamant supporter of personal freedom, and I have always backed that with a firm demand for personal responsibility.  To me the two concepts are dependent upon on another, you cannot have one without the other.  And I think this is where we got lost as a nation.

Personal Responsibility. I think most people have lost sight of just what those words mean.  According to those on the political "right" - it means that if you are poor, that's your fault, or if you get sick, that's your fault.  "You are responsible for your own misery".  According to those on the political "left" - it means every individual needs someone else to tell them right from wrong, no one is responsible for themselves, but we are each responsible for everyone else.  And as usual, reality lies somewhere in the middle.

So I am trying to find a way to balance the reality of the world in which we live today with the ideologies that each of us hold so Dear.  We currently have close to 8 Billion people on this planet.  Over 350 Million people in the United States alone.  So how do we protect the freedoms of more than 350 Million people while still protecting the lives of those 350 Million people?  If you look at our country today it becomes pretty clear that we can't.  Not the way we have been doing it so far, that is for damn sure.

I have mentioned before that I have lived around guns for the majority of my life, most of which were easily accessible, and often loaded.  Most of the members of my family are either members or supporters of the NRA.  All of them own guns.  NONE of them have ever been either the victim or the perpetrator of gun violence.  NONE of them have ever had a weapon stolen, or experienced an incident where one of their children even touched a weapon without permission.  But you know what, while they are perhaps more responsible than many gun owners in this country, they were NOT responsible gun owners.  Not a damn one of them.

I have suffered from severe chronic depression since I was 12 years old, in recent years I traded the depression for the insanity that I now enjoy.  I should NEVER have been allowed access to a fucking gun!  I was extremely suicidal for many, many years, no one even thought to lock up the guns. Now, I am NOT ever going to use one, but there are very fucking good reasons why I have never allowed myself to learn how to use one.  Whether anyone besides me wants to acknowledge the fact or not, I DO suffer with mental illness, and people who suffer with mental illness SHOULD NEVER HAVE ACCESS TO FIREARMS!  Now, according to the law, I am probably perfectly legal to go out and buy any gun I want, but I really shouldn't be, ever.  And if I, as a person who would NEVER use a gun to hurt someone (they make a fucking mess, I cannot do that), and as a person who is able to take personal responsibility for my actions, can see that I should not be allowed to buy a weapon, what the hell is wrong with the rest of this country?         

Those who advocate against any gun control laws often use the argument that more people are killed by cars than by guns every year.  The problem is, we do have lots of laws regarding who can or cannot operate a motor vehicle, and when or how you can do so.  And while those laws may not prevent every death, they sure do cut them down don't they?  Those who advocate for strict gun controls try to say that no one "needs" this automatic weapon, or a cartridge that holds that many bullets.  And they are absolutely right.  But no one "needs" a hundred billion dollars in assets, no one "needs" a six hundred dollar pair of shoes either.  What everyone "needs" is a home to live in, food to eat, and access to medical care when they are sick.  Since when does what someone "needs" have anything to do with our laws or our society?

I do find it terribly difficult to comprehend how the same people who demand the "freedom" to own any weapon they choose are so hell-bent against everyone else's "freedoms".  I will never understand that.  They want to force woman to be assaulted and abused in order to obtain the medical care they need, but heaven forbid they might have to show they are mental stable enough to own an assault rifle.  

I will tell you where I think the first place to start with any "new" gun control laws should be.  I think that the gun owners should be held 100% responsible for the weapons they own or sell. They should be held accountable for the murder of innocent people when the gun they let get stolen is used to commit the crime.  I also think anyone who sells a gun should be responsible for who they sell it to.  If you sell me a gun, and I go kill people with it, you should go to jail with me.  That responsibility should probably be time dependent, like for crimes committed within 6 months of sale.  Not really fair to hold you accountable for something that happens 20 years later. And if I later re-sell the gun, then your responsibilities also end, and mine would begin (as a seller - I would have already been responsible all along as the owner).   Simple things like personal responsibility really could be pretty damn effective if we required them of EVERYONE, but especially of gun owners and gun sellers.

I know I don't have all the answers, no one does.  But we do need to start doing something.  Expecting other people with mental illnesses to be able to know when they shouldn't be having guns is more than a little naive, its just fucking stupid.  And telling every other citizen of this country that your freedom to own a gun is MORE important than their freedom to live a life free from the threat of your guns, well that is just asinine.  If you want the freedom, then you will take the responsibilities, ALL of them.  Now that is fair.

Finding Comfort in a Dragon

 Hello Internet People!  My wonderful husband is setting up the new computer he just got for me (That virus the other day really screwed up the old one) so I have vacated the area for my own safety.  And since that means no sewing until he is done, I am here to ramble away at all of you for a while.

I have been hard at work on that Dragon picture I showed you all last time.  I probably have 20+ hours of stitching into it, and I might be 1/3 of the way done.  All the pieces are stitched down, and the sky is pretty well done, but I just started the detail work on the dragon, and I am still trying to decide what to do with the stitching on the foreground.  I am sure glad I pulled him out of the U.F.O. pile, this is turning out to be a lot of fun.  

I am especially grateful that I had something to focus all of my energies on given the effect that the recent events across the country would have had on my fragile psyche if I had not had somewhere to put my emotions.  My heart is still aching, for all of us.  The tragedy in the loss of all those innocent lives is overwhelming, and the loss of all those hopes and dreams is just devastating beyond comprehension.  I could never cope with the physicality of this emotional assault without somewhere to release it.  And I have poured every ounce of it into him.  

Since he has done so much to help me cope with all of this, I thought perhaps you all might want to see how far he has come.  As I said, he still has a LONG way to go before he is done, but progress is being made ...

This is a close-up of the neck which I spent almost 9 hours just stitching on the scales today!  I think I may have mentioned that I get a little obsessive - this would be yet another example of that.

I Found My Motivation in a Dragon

Hello again Internet People!  Mother is back and doing much better today.  I finally decided on a project to work on this morning, so today has been a much better day than the past few were. I am absolutely unable to deal with having nothing to do, it drives me fucking batty!  My biggest problem is usually having too many options and being unable to decide on any one thing to do.  So I spend days driving myself up the wall and back down again until I finally land on something that I can focus my energies on for a while.  This is what I finally landed on this time:          

                      

I started him last year around this time I think, but this was as far as I ever got.  This morning I finally layered it with a batting and backing fabric and started stitching it all down. I have gotten all the way around all the parts of the dragon now and I just started on the background.  

I even managed to get both the little Christmas trees decorated and put up today.  That is a pretty damn good day for me.  I have been putting it off for two weeks, but it is finally done now.  I am still contemplating putting up more decorations, but somehow I doubt I will get very far with them this year.  I just can't get into it.  I don't even want to try.  I just want the whole bloody mess over with already.  But since I can't have that, I will just keep plodding along until it is over. 

For now I think i will get back to my sewing machine while I still can.  I still have a couple of hours before bedtime, might as well get put it to good use.  Talk at you all again next time.