Finding Focus ... Or Not

Some days I really do think I am going to lose my mind. I am trying to decide what the Hell I am going to do with the rest of my life and I have so many ideas that I am finding it very difficult to focus on any one of them for any length of time. What I really need to do is find a way to make more money. Yeah, I know, don't we all. But I need to find a way for me to make money that doesn't make me crazy. The only way I am going to do that is through my art or my words, so now the questions is how do I do that? I want to write. This is what I truly believe I have always been meant to do, but what the hell do I write about? And how the hell do I convince people to pay me for my words?

I have a stack of books in my head so thick that pages just keep flying out at random. I need to find either a way to sort them into the right books, or pull one book out of the stack at a time and work on putting it together first. The second option would really be preferable, but my brain doesn't work that way. So I have random thoughts flying all over the place and I have to find a way to organize them into some kind of coherent system that can be accessed as necessary.

First, I really do need a starting point. I need to start focusing my mental energy in one direction at a time, at least long enough to make some progress towards anything. I think this is my starting place. I am trying to figure out how to make this blog more user friendly. I know I jump from one topic to another, (sometimes within the same post!) without a whole lot of rhyme or reason to the structure of my thoughts, and while I can blame this on the distractions of the world around me, its really how my head actually works. My thoughts are a freaking mess!

So how do I compartmentalize this blog, and my brain, and make them both more user friendly? I am working on it, but I am still unsure of myself, afraid of putting all my heart and soul into this and having it all tossed aside as being as unworthy as I used to feel. I had a friend once, who happened to be a professional psychiatrist, who pointed out to me that I have a tendency to set myself up for failure. It is one of the many issues I am still working on in my own life. I am trying to figure out how to not do that with my writing. I need this to succeed, not just financially, but personally.

I know there are probably millions of other people like me all over the world, just trying to live their lives in peace, to raise their families as they choose, and follow their dreams where ever they may lead. People who struggle everyday to find a little bit of happiness in a world which glorifies greed and frivolity but discriminates against love and compassion. Now, how the Hell do I find all of you and convince you to read the insane ramblings of a crazy hippie lady? And perhaps more importantly, how do I get someone to actually PAY me for my crazy ramblings?

I have a lot of interesting stories to share, and I honestly believe that my perceptions and observations on life might really be helpful to a lot of people struggling with the same demons that I have slain. I am not an expert, or a “trained professional”, in much of anything. I do have an extensive background in the study of psychology, most of it coming from the need to understand what was “wrong” with me or to try to help other people figure out what was “wrong” with them. The one thing I learned that stands out above all else, is that there was probably never anything “wrong” with any of us in the first place. The “wrong” is in our society, our culture, it is not within us.

So I guess I should thank you all for joining me in my very public struggle with sanity, and on my journey towards my “American Dream” of independence and freedom for myself and for all those who challenge the status quo in search of a better way of life. The trip will be bumpy, and I am guaranteed to get lost on a regular basis, but I will be having a good time, and I hope you will too! I hope you find comfort in my struggles knowing that you are not alone in the world and that it is not only okay to be different, it is preferable.