Yes, I know it isn't as perfect as it maybe could have been, but for a first attempt I think it is fairly decent. Its not like I am competing for an Oscar or anything, just making silly little videos that I hope somebody might enjoy. It was a lot of fun learning all the new software programs and figuring out how to put it all together. Its going to take some time for me to get used to the idea of talking into the microphone, and developing a personality for that, but someday I might get good at it. Well, we can hope anyway.
It would probably help if I had a better idea of what I am trying to accomplish. You know, if I had some kind of actual plan, or something like that. I mean, the original idea was to make silly videos and stuff to make people laugh, but most of what I keep wanting to produce isn't all that funny. I mean, I try to make fun of the stuff, and make it as humorous as I can, but exposing hypocrisy and shining a light on what I see as the real evils of the world, isn't really something that most people consider comedy. And it doesn't help that I am not really all that funny anyway. I mean, I know I am really good at getting people to laugh when they really don't want to, I do that to my friends and family all the time. But, for some reason I can't seem to find a way to translate that humor to people who do not know me really well. Most people take me far too seriously. Even my wonderful husband, who has known me for 12 and a half years now, still tries to take me seriously when he, of all people, should really know better by now!
Pretty much every post I have ever written on this Blog had something in it that I thought was funny. Even the most mundane and boring "what I did today" posts generally contain at least some silly little something that I found amusing and hoped someone else might also enjoy. I am sure I have not been nearly as successful at that as I might like to be, but I really do try.
I have spent the last two years here at this Blog trying to develop some idea of who I am and what I want to do with the rest of my life. It has not been an easy process. It certainly has had its bumps along the way, but I have learned a great deal about myself that I am not sure I would have recognized had it not been for having this outlet. Most people would not be so willing to lay open their hearts and minds to complete strangers in such a public way, but I have found it strangely liberating. To be sure I have left out a lot of the details to protect the privacy of any one who might happen to know me in real life, but I have tried to be as open and honest as possible about myself and my life and the road I have taken to get to where I am now.
When I first started all of this I was terrified that someone would expose who I really was and what I had been through. Here we are, two short years later, and I have not only put my own name to my work, but I am preparing to actually show my face to the world for the first time as well. And I am still terrified. But, then again, I do not remember a single day in my life when I was not terrified. Life is fucking terrifying for me. I still have to keep living, so I might as well keep doing the rest of it as well. Right?
Its funny, every time I get a new idea for a project that I think is really awesome, it triggers a switch in my brain that immediately starts screaming DANGER! DANGER! In order to be "successful" at becoming an "entertainer" some level of fame is required, and the last thing I have ever wanted is to be famous! I think this is the greatest challenge to my psyche that I have ever faced. The more I think there is a posibilty that people might like something I create, the more retiscent I become about creating it. I look at Pages on Facebook that started when I did but now have hundreds of thousands of "likers", and all I can think is "thank goodness that's not me!" I see Page owners like Patti Ford from "Insane in The Mom Brain" talking about being interviewed on TV, and I start having panic attacks. I don't want that kind of attention! Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE for the whole world to read what I post, and watch my silly little videos or whatever, but I don't want them to pay attention to ME! That shit is fucking terrifying! The whole reason I created "Mother" was so that people could pay attention to her and leave me the hell alone!
I know that the only way that people are going to ever be able to see what I produce is if I go around telling other people about it and asking them to share it. Unfortunately I am not equipped to do that. Hell I can't even manage to ask all of you to share my stuff. I am not a self-promoter. That would mean bringing attention to myself, and I think I have established the fact that I have no interest in doing that! So I am left spending countless hours and endless days, weeks and months, producing vast quantities of possibly entertaining materials that will never be seen by more than a couple dozen people. Which is a couple dozen more than ever would have seen it if I hadn't spent the time to produce it, so I keep producing it anyway. Maybe someday I will put something out there that develops a life of its own and brings my work to the attention of a wider audience, but until that happens I am learning to be content in the knowledge that every once in a while somebody stumbles across something that I created that brings them some joy or confort in a world where both seem to be in way too short of supply. That's good enough for me. Its not going to pay the bills, or keep a roof over my head, but then neither is anything else I would be spending my time on, so I suppose I should quit worrying about that. Especially since the only way it could ever pay the bills would be if I became famous, quite the catch twenty-two I have gotten myself into, isn't it? I am very good at that.
Oh well, I will just take whatever comes from this as it comes. If some day success comes knocking on my door I will just have to deal with it, just like I have dealt with every thing else life has thrown at me. There really isn't much sense in worrying about something that will probably never happen anyway, although I do a lot of it for some strange reason. Part of my charm, I guess. I am really fucking charming you know.
Until Next Time ...
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