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Friday, May 31, 2013

Working On Getting Back To Working

Hello again Internet People!   It is a lovely day here at Mother's house and I am looking forward to enjoying it very much.  Today I am going to try to finish dealing with the fabrics and start organizing the stacks of boxes in the "storage room".  I think I will need to section off the room so that I can put all of one kind of thing in one section and not have it all spread all over the place.  Unfortunately I need more sections than the room has space for, but I will find a way to make it work.  I always do.  

I am an expert packer.  I learned through necessity.  I have always contended with having more stuff than space, in more ways than one.  When I was single, after my divorce, I was living alone with three young children and no car.  I had to pack the groceries home on foot.  All of them.  I would exit the store with a shopping cart filled with sacks of groceries and I would find a way to shove it all into my back pack and a couple of bags to carry in each hand. I did that for over a year and a half.  Milk was the bitch, that shit is heavy and those damn kids drink a shitload of it!  But I digress.  My point was that I know how to put a lot of stuff into a limited space and make it all fit.                                 
                                
 I did start cutting pieces for a new project last night.  (Sshhh, don't tell my husband!)  As I was drawing and doodling last week I came up with a design done in circles that I wanted to try to reproduce on fabric.  I am using fabric yo-yo's to create the circles, so I traced out a few dozen circles of various sizes onto several different fabrics last night and started cutting them out.  I still have a whole bunch of the tiny ones left from the last time I made yo-yo's so I can use those as well, but I wanted a few larger ones and some that are coordinated to go together.  I have high hopes for this project, I think it might look pretty cool when it is done, that is if I ever get it done.  I am trying to keep the piece fairly small, like an 8" x 10" size maybe, hopefully that will allow me to actually complete the damn thing and not just add another project to my ever expanding UFO (unfinished object) pile.  Wish me luck.  I always need it.

I mentioned a couple days ago that I have been taking some online classes on Art Quilting techniques.  I also purchased a bunch of workshop videos and TV shows (on sale) along the same subject line and have been watching those the last couple of days.  My gawd I am overwhelmed by all of the inspiration and information.  There turns out to be a whole lot of things I didn't know, and even more now that I want to know.  And damnit, they gave me a whole host of new tools that I now HAVE to have!  I hate when they do that!  Don't they realize how obsessive-compulsive I am when it comes to this shit?!  Its just not fair!

Now I am all pumped up and anxious to start putting all of these great new ideas and techniques to work.  But I still have all this damn actual work that I have to get done first.  I guess I better get busy on something now so that I can get started on what I want to do sooner.  Until next time ...


Thursday, May 30, 2013

Fighting A Fabric Phobia

Hello again Internet People!  You can call off the rescue teams, I made it out alive.  I am still not done yet, but I made some incredible progress yesterday.  The fabrics look so pretty filling up all those shelves.  And they did fill all the shelves.  There is still a whole bunch that won't fit too, but I am working on alternative storage plans for those. 

 I actually even broke down and put all of my batik fabrics on the shelves.  I have kept them separate until now.  I have a mental block against using batik fabrics with regular commercial cottons, I don't know why, but for some odd reason I just don't want to put them together, ever.  Either in a quilt or in storage.  I am trying to get over this because it is just plain silly, so I mixed them together on the shelves.  Hopefully that will help.  My hand dyed fabrics are still separate but they are mostly much smaller pieces so they would get lost if I put them on the shelves.  

Even though all the shelves are filled, somehow I do not have enough fabric.  Yesterday I think I failed to mention yet another problem that I am having with this whole reorganizing of the fabric thing.  I still have a whole bunch of fabric listed for sale on eBay.  Now I am fighting to keep myself from cancelling all those listings and putting that fabric back into my stash as well!  Just a little advance warning on this one, I am going to lose this fight.  I already know that anything that hasn't sold in the next day or two is going to find its way into those shelves.  It is only a matter of when.

I don't think I will be doing much today.  The pinched nerve in my neck has decided that this would be a good day to just relax and watch some videos online, or maybe take a nap.  It has vetoed the possibility of any physical activity for the foreseeable future and there are not nearly enough votes around here to override that veto.  I was barely able to muster the support needed to get me here to write this Blog post, I am not pushing my luck beyond that. 

Until next time ...

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

My Solutions Are Problems

Hello again Internet People!  I spent all of yesterday afternoon and most of the evening re-folding and sorting fabrics, and I still have a shitload left to do.  I think I am going to like the idea of having the fabrics on the shelves, but they are not all going to fit so I will have to make some adjustments to my plan.  I do have a lot of duplicates, I am hoping just removing those will give me enough space, but we shall see.

The problem with re-sorting my fabrics like this is that I start touching them and then I want to start cutting them apart and sewing them back together.  I have to fight myself all the way through the process not to just stop sorting and start making something.  I don't have time to start another project yet, I need to get this other stuff done first!  I keep reminding myself that the whole point of doing all of this is to make it easier for me to create stuff when I do have the time.  It will be worth the wait in the end.  It damn well better be.

The other problem I have with sorting fabrics is that it makes me want more fabrics.  I probably have more fabric than I will be able to use in my lifetime, but it is not enough.  It is never enough.  I don't have anything in this color, or I need more variations in that color, it just goes on and on.  I think I have mentioned before that I am rather obsessive-compulsive when it comes to the supplies for my hobbies, I wasn't kidding.  This is why I am not allowed to have credit cards.

Now, add in the problem of that whole dyeing thing that I adore so much.  I keep wondering what would happen if I over-dye this white on white printed fabric, or thinking about how I could change the color and texture of this fabric with a little bit of dye.  Damn, it is a miracle that I ever get anything done!

Well, I guess I better go eat some breakfast and start creating some more problems for myself.  I still have several tubs and boxes of fabric to sort and refold, and goodness knows they aren't going to take care of themselves.  If you don't hear from me again soon please assume that one of the piles has collapsed on top of me and send in a search crew to rescue me.  But please remind them not to harm the fabric!

Until next time ...                        

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Learning New Stuff

Hello again Internet People!  I hope everyone had a good "Holiday" weekend (I know it was not a holiday for everyone).  I spent a major part of my weekend taking classes online.  Have you all ever heard of Craftsy?  You probably have since I noticed they have had ads on my Blog recently, but for those who haven't taken the time to check them out, I would suggest you do so.  It is an interesting new platform where crafters of all kinds can get together and share patterns, classes, and more.  I signed up a few months ago with the idea of listing my Counted Cross Stitch Patterns for sale, (which I have started doing, but not finished) but I recently started exploring what other people have to offer and I must say I am impressed.

I have been taking Art Quilting Classes from an instructor named Wendy Butler Berns and while much of the information was a review of things I already knew, there was a lot of new information also and more inspiration than I thought could possibly be crammed into any online format.  And, most importantly, I now know how I am going to put together those abstract quilt patterns I showed you all the other day!  It is a fairly simple process, but to me it is pure genius! 

This is the first time I have ever actually taken classes related to sewing, online or other wise.  I have mentioned before that I am entirely self taught.  Every thing I know I learned either from reading books or from watching other people and then just trying it myself until I worked it out.  Most of the classes that I have seen offered that interested me were always way too expensive.  Even the two classes I just took would have normally been out of my budget, but I caught them on sale (one was free!).  They have great sales and promotions at Craftsy, usually about once a month.

So, while I did not accomplish a whole lot of productivity this weekend, I did learn a whole bunch of new stuff and I am filled with new inspiration and determination.  Now I just have to go out and finish putting the "storage room" back in order so that I can find the rest of my fabrics and supplies.  I am thinking to take my fabrics out of the huge plastic tubs they are currently in and placing them on the book shelves I just emptied.  It would make them far more accessible and visible.  I was thinking to just put a blanket over the front of the shelves to protect the fabric from dust.  I don't think I can get all of it onto the shelves, but a good percentage of it will fit, and not having to move those heavy tubs around every time I want to look for a piece of fabric would be a real back saver!  Those suckers get freakin heavy!

I think today would be a real good day to go out there and play with fabric, so I am going to sign out of here and get to it.  Until next time:



Monday, May 27, 2013

Too Much Stuff Is Never Enough

Hello again Internet People!  Well, I almost finished packing up everything in the sewing room, and now my husband has decided he doesn't want to use the space after all.  UGH!  It really is okay, I had planned on packing most of it up anyway to use the room for storage rather than working, but I wasn't in a hurry for that!  Oh well, at least everything is organized and labeled, now it will be much easier to stack everything in an organized and accessible manner, I hope.     

The truth is I just have too much stuff.  Unfortunately this does not prevent me in the least from wanting more stuff.  90% of my belongings are art and craft supplies and tools, and I only have about 10% of the tools and supplies that I want!  And, to make things worse, I keep coming up with more new hobbies to try, all of which require their own sets of tools and supplies.  I really should stop doing that, but that ain't going to happen.

Thank goodness I am poor.  If I had money to spend there would not be room left for people in my house.  Of course if we had more money we would probably have a bigger house, but I would fill that up too.  For a person who is perfectly content making due with what she has, there sure is a lot of stuff out there that I still want.  Every time I think I have every thing my heart could desire somebody makes a new product or introduces me to a new hobby and opens the door on a whole new line of stuff that I have to have. 

 Like those damn silk threads, for 45 years I had no idea how overwhelmingly addictive sewing with silk could be.  Now, I HAVE to get every damn color of silk thread I can get my hands on, and somehow I get the feeling that I am going to end up dyeing silk threads in the future to get the colors I want!  I really do not want to dye threads, it does not sound like fun to me, but I know I will end up doing it anyway, eventually, because I will decide I need a color that does not exist otherwise and I won't be able to live without it.

I have mentioned before that I am just a little beyond crazy, right?  My latest obsession is with fibers.  I am just getting started but I can tell already this is going to be the most obsessively ridiculous collection ever.  I am trying really hard not to go overboard with it, but it is driving me even crazier wanting all of these threads and yarns and rovings and fibers that I really shouldn't be spending money on right now.  I NEED them, ALL of them.  The fact that I have no idea what the hell I would do with all of them is completely and totally irrelevant.  I NEED to have them NOW in the event that I do someday figure out why.  I still have supplies that I bought 25 years ago that I haven't figured out what to use them for, but I had to have them at the time, and I have to keep them until the perfect project presents itself for their use.

I guess I take that old Boy Scout motto to the extreme when it comes to my hobbies, you know, "be prepared".  I know that if I get an inspiration to create something I have to have all of the necessary supplies available to me immediately.  I cannot wait for a trip to the store, I need to have it NOW!  So I have made an effort to have every item I could possibly ever want to use already on hand.  Which is why I have so much damn stuff.      

Well, I guess I better get out of here and get to work on something today.  Maybe I will even use some of that stuff I have been packing around for the last three decades.  Until next time:                                
 

Sunday, May 26, 2013

No Patience For Stupid

Hello again Internet People!  I was reminded this morning why I don't read the  local paper very often.  The shear stupidity of people around here is overwhelming to me.    And the fact that most of them fail to even recognize how incredibly stupid they sound is extremely depressing for me. They think they are clever, but you can tell instantly that they got all their talking points from Faux News and usually they don't even actually understand what they are talking about.

I have very little patience for voluntary stupidity.  I was married to it for far too many years, all my patience was used then.  Now I turn around and find that one section of my own country is trying to promote stupidity as if it is the answer to all of our society's ills.  The problem is that stupidity IS our biggest and most dangerous ill.  Yet they continue to demand more stupidity.  They cut funding to our schools so that rich bastards can maintain their control over the uneducated masses.  Then they try to force what's left of our schools to teach fairy tales as truth and reality as fiction, oh and don't you dare mention anything that might help those kids become safe and comfortable in their own bodies!  That is NOT acceptable, ever.

It infuriates me.  I know there is nothing I can do to stop these idiots from destroying this country and the rest of the world with their fantasies and lies.  The only option I have is to keep typing my frustrations out to you, and to do my part to educate my own children to not become part of the problem.  I do my best to isolate myself from people who choose to be ignorant, but it makes for a pretty lonely existence.  Fortunately I enjoy my own company enough to make up for the lack of human interaction, but it sure would be nice to find that there are more than a handful of people on this planet with functioning brains.  Even if I never got to interact with them, just knowing they were out there would be magnificently reassuring.  And with the way our government and representatives are going right now I could use all the reassurance I can get!

Until next time:

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Fixating On What Isn't There

Hello again Internet People! At the moment I am unable to access any of you because I have no Internet. Hopefully that will be fixed by the time I finish this post so that I can publish it at some point. There are few things that screw up my mornings as much as not having Internet access. How the hell do I start my day without checking my email and Facebook? What the fuck did I do to get going in the mornings before the Internet? Its been so long I can't remember! I really don't care that much about my email or Facebook, its the loss of routine that fucks with me. I have a set plan of action that I follow religiously every morning, when something messes with that plan it messes with my whole day. I am adaptable, I can cope with the disruption, but I don't have to like it.

I don't know about normal people, but whenever the Internet is down at my house I cannot seem to find anything to do that does not involve the Internet. When it is up and running I can ignore it pretty well, but when it is gone, I am lost. I have been sitting here for two hours trying to figure out what I can do, and every option that comes to mind involves using the Internet. Which is really ridiculous when you consider that I have a list of things to do about half a mile long, NONE of which require the Internet, but this is apparently how my brain works. I do the same thing with everything. When the water is off all I can think of doing are things that require water. When the power is off, everything requires power. Considering that I lived for three years without running water or electricity, and didn't know what the Internet was 20 years ago, these fixations are a little beyond silly, there are just rather irritating.

I guess I better just get dressed and get to work at packing up the sewing room. That doesn't require any Internet, and it really needs to get done. I think I am in the home stretch out there now, I should have it all packed and semi-organized in another day or two.  The hardest part has been finding spaces inside the house to put all the stuff that I want to keep inside the house.  Once I have the space in the garage I can move a bunch of stuff out of the house, to make more room in here, but until then our house is going to look like an episode of "Hoarders", again.  Fortunately my darling husband knows that I am doing all of this for his benefit in the long run, so he is trying really hard to be patient with my mess.  That is no easy feat considering I create these messes on a regular basis and most of the time he gets no benefit from it whatsoever.

YEAH!  The Internet is back!  Now I can publish this post when I finish it.  And since I have pretty much run out of shit to say today, I guess I might as well call this finished.  I will be back again another day to beguile all of you with my wit and wisdom.  Until then ...
 


 

Friday, May 24, 2013

Drawing The Lines

Hello again Internet People!  I had an awesome thought earlier for what I was going to write about today, but I lost it, so now I am just going to start typing and hope that either that idea comes back or that another one pops in to fill the void.  So far, no luck.

I did manage to get some of those drawings scanned that I have been talking about, so I guess we will start there. 

 The first two here are simple line drawings.  If you can imagine each of the sections in a different color or shade of fabric maybe you can see how these would make awesome abstract quilt patterns.




   













 These second two are a little more complex.  My thought was that the fill in each of the sections could be recreated in quilting stitches.  And yes I know some of the sections are better than others, these things happen.  

I tried to color one of the pictures in on the computer so that you could have a better view of what I am talking about, but it didn't work as well as I had hoped so I gave up on that idea for now.  You will just have to use your imaginations.

I do have a couple of other pictures that probably wouldn't work as well as quilt patterns, but they are fun nonetheless so I thought I would share them too.  They could be recreated in quilting stitches if I was so inclined, but I am not.  They were just fun to make, and I think they will be fun to color too, someday.  So here are those:



 
I started another one last night that is similar to these last two, but all in circles.  It is coming together pretty well if I do say so myself.  The challenge will be to not start working on it again until after I get some shit done today.  I have a lot of things that I need to do today, but I really don't want to do any of them.  I will, but I don't want to.   

If I am going to get anything done today I am going to have to sign out of here and get to it. Before I go though I have one more picture to share.  I told you all about the teapot that I "drew", here is that picture:
I will be back again next time, and maybe by then I will remember what the hell I was gonna talk about today.  Probably not, but stranger things have happened.  Until then:


            

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Recognizing My Destiny

Hello again Internet People!  Well, hopefully the third times the charm.  I have been here the last two mornings trying to write a Blog post for all of you, but I kept getting interrupted by life and nothing got written.  I am hoping today will be better. 

I haven't accomplished much, besides housework, since the last time I did write.  I have been playing around with that drawing thing and I have produced a couple of pieces that are kinda cool, I will scan them in later to show you all.  I do have to admit, once again, that sometimes I am really slow on the uptake of certain things, and this turns out to be one of those things.

I mentioned a few days ago that I had this nagging need to create some abstract type art with my fabrics, but that I didn't know how to go about doing that since I have no background in abstract art.  Dumbass.  Those drawings that I have been making for decades, they ARE abstract art!  I have been creating abstract art since I was a teenager, but no one ever called it art, at least not to me.  I was looking at the drawings I have been doing recently and most of them would make awesome patterns for abstract art quilts.  As I started thinking more and more about it, it turns out that the vast majority of the pen and paper art I have ever created has been a step in my quilt making journey.  Long before I ever realized I was a quilter I was working towards becoming one.  And its kinda funny that all the people who gave me a hard time about wasting my time on that pen and paper art when I was younger, are the ones who most appreciate my adventures in quilting now.  I do still have to figure out how to wrap my head around the construction process for some of these pieces, but I have a starting point now and I am really looking forward to trying these out.    

Unfortunately that is going to have to wait until after I get the sewing room packed up.  If I start another creative project before I get that done I think I will drive my husband over the edge.  He is very understanding and accommodating towards my creative endeavors, but even the most patient person in the world has their limits, and patience is not one of his strong suits to start with.  

So today I am going to go out and do some more packing.  I think I can get most of it done in another couple of days or so.  Then we just have to wait for the storm system that is currently hanging out overhead to move on so that we can move everything outside for a few days without destroying it.  Hopefully by this time next week it will all be done and over with, and I can go back to just screwing around most of the time.  Hahaha.                          
                                          
Right now I need to go do the dishes and get ready to wrap the mail, so I better sign outta here and get to work or I will never get anything done today.  Until next time ...  


Sunday, May 19, 2013

Breaking Triple Digits

Hello again Internet People!  Maybe its just me, but I sure have a heck of a time focusing on writing Blog posts when video game theme songs are playing in the background.  I should probably wait until his time is up before I try writing, but unfortunately I don't work that way.  It is one of the drawbacks of having the kids' video games all set up in our bedroom, they are always in here making noise when it is not convenient to me.  Considering there are only allotted 2 hours of video game time each day its a neat trick to "always" be in the way, but somehow they manage it.  

I do have some good news to share today.  I finally broke the triple digit mark!  Last night I weighed in at 101 pounds!  It has been a long time since there were three digits in front of the decimal point.  I have only done it twice before, without being pregnant. The real trick is going to be keeping it up there, and getting it even higher, but I am working on it.  I still have days when I just don't want to eat, but I am forcing myself to eat anyway, at least a little bit.  

I am trying to retrain my brain not to ignore the hunger pains when they come, but to actually feed them.  This is not as easy as it might seem.  Thirty years of faulty programming cannot be changed over night.  But, as long as I keep working on it I can keeping making progress.  I know this will be a life long process so there is no point in getting hung up on set backs or bad days, as long as I can keep moving forward progress will be made.

I am also making progress on packing up the sewing room.  I hurt my back moving boxes I shouldn't have been moving yesterday so I am trying to be a little more careful today.  Learning to work within my physical limitations is another lesson I am working on.  I have always just done whatever needed to be done without giving much thought to the consequences it would have on my body.  I am getting a little too old for that shit anymore.  I need to be more careful about how far I push my body or I am going to end up breaking it permanently and I certainly don't have time for that!                   
                                  
Speaking of time, I guess it is time for me to sign outta here and get busy.  As much as I enjoy sitting here typing my heart out there are a whole list of other things I need to do and none of them get done when I am here.  Until next time ...
                                       

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Packing Up And Moving Around

Hello again Internet People!  Mother is all wrapped up in yet another project that is going to take most of my energy and a lot of my time over the next few days.  I mentioned before that I was cleaning up the "sewing room" with the intention of turning it into a much more organized storage room.  Well, my plans have been changed yet again.  Now I am cleaning everything out of the room for my husband to use it for his new hobby instead.  So I am packing everything up, and trying to keep it all organized so I can still find the things I need when I need them.

If I had a place to put everything during the moving process it would probably make things easier, but the only place I have to put everything is outside.  And of course now they tell me it is going to rain off and on for the next week.  So I am packing and stacking boxes inside the room until I can't turn around, then we will move them out all at once and hopefully they won't have to stay out there very long.

I know yesterday's Blog post was about how I am searching for a better creative space and today I am giving up the one good space I had, but I don't really like working out there anyway.  The move will give me additional storage space in the garage, which will allow me to move more crap out of the house to make room in here for my space, and it may allow me some work space within the garage as well which could be handy for some of my messier projects.  

Well, I guess I better sign out of here and get to work if I am ever going to get that room packed up.  That shit won't pack itself, unfortunately.  Until next time ...                        
                                  
                                        

Friday, May 17, 2013

Looking For A Creative Space

Hello again Internet People!  Well, I still have not made it back outside to do any work yet, and somehow I doubt today is going to be any different.  I did almost finish the final Pansy for the "Monumental" basket, just a couple more crocuses to stitch and I will be ready to put the rest of the flowers into the basket. 

I didn't do much drawing yesterday.  I tried moving my work space into the living room last night so that I would have a more comfortable and stable work surface.  Turns out all it did was give me more distractions (computer, TV, husband, etc.) so I didn't get anything done.  I guess I will go back to using the drawing boards on my bed for now.

I have been trying to figure out a better place for me to create.  For several months now I have been using our bed as my creative work space because it allows me the room to spread out without being in anyone else's way, and I have pretty good lighting.  It works, but it is not very comfortable.  I have tables and desks set up in several other rooms, but each one has its drawbacks and limitations.  I just can't seem to find a space I am comfortable working in.  

I have never had the luxury of being comfortable in my creative space, I just took whatever space was leftover after everyone else's needs were met.  I have been crammed in corners and stacked on top of myself for as long as I can remember.  Now that I finally do have the luxury of taking space for myself, I cannot find the right space to take.  I will figure it out eventually, but for now I am still stuck on my bed, continuously fighting the urge to just take a nap.                                         
Well, I am not going to get a damn thing done today if I keep sitting here staring at the computer screen all day so I better sign out of here and get busy.  Until next time ...


Thursday, May 16, 2013

Making Progress

Hello again Internet People!  I am just sitting here staring out the window trying to convince myself to put on some real pants and go outside to pull some weeds.  So far I am not having much luck.  It is going to be a beautiful day here in my neighborhood, I really should do something that involves getting my ass out of the house and into the sunshine.  I probably won't, but I should.

I have spent the past few days applying ink to paper in a desperate attempt to work through this latest nagging artistic need.  I am getting more comfortable with myself, but I still have along way to go.  I am using ink rather than a pencil in an attempt to force myself to accept my imperfections.  It seems to be helping, I haven't even crumpled up a single piece to throw away yet, so I must be making headway.  Every piece I have started I have "finished" no matter how bad I thought one part or another might be, so that is definitely progress for me.   

I probably should clarify the fact that I am not actually trying to draw things at this point.  I am basically just doodling.  I used to draw these complicated abstract geometric type designs when I was younger and I am trying to reconnect with that type of art right now.  I will worry about drawing actual things later, ... maybe.  When I get a few more done and start feeling a little better about them I will scan them into the computer to show you all what I mean, but that's gonna be a few days.  I will say though that even the worst one I have done isn't too bad.  There are some seriously  fucked-up parts to it, but overall, its not that bad.  So at least I am making progress with my attitude.

Well, if I am ever going to get anything done today I better sign out of here and get to it.  I will be back again, probably tomorrow, with more nonsensical rambling for you all to enjoy.  Until next time ...

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Me? Relax? Now That Is Funny

Hello again Internet People!  Mother is still hard at work trying to convince herself that she can draw.  Progress is being made, but it is really slow.  I am still very stiff, very hesitant, I need to learn allow myself to relax and enjoy the process and quit worrying so much about the results.  Its my hypercritical nature that limits me more than anything.  I expect so much more from myself than I would ever even dream of expecting from anyone else.  I need to quit that.

Its kinda funny, I am the first one to admit that I am not perfect, and yet I constantly demand perfection from myself, but only in areas where perfection does not exist.  I don't try to be perfect at things that are perfect-able, only the ones that are not.  Like art.  There is no perfect in art.  Truly, there is no right or wrong in art either, but I manage to find that too.  I am my own worst critic, always have been, but I am trying hard not to be so damn critical anymore.  I am not succeeding yet, but I am trying.

I think learning to just relax is my biggest challenge.  I don't know that I have ever truly been relaxed.  I am severely high-strung by nature and my life hasn't afforded me a lot of opportunities to wind that down.  I have tried meditation, hypnosis, bio-feedback, etc, ad naseum, none of it works for me.  I have knots in my shoulders older than most of my children, no amount of massaging will ever work them out, I just learned to live with them.  My mind is stuck in hyper-drive, all the time.  I need to at least find a way to channel that energy more effectively if I can't shut it off, because it is really slowing me down right now.    

In the meantime, I better go eat something and get back to work.  There is still much for me to do today and the hours are quickly ticking away.  Until next time ...


Monday, May 13, 2013

Time to Change My Mind

 Hello again Internet People!  I tried to write you a Blog post yesterday, but I couldn't get very far.  I had a really bad attitude to start the day and it was showing in everything I tried to write.  I was so busy obsessing over the people who are not in my life for Mother's Day that I almost forgot about all the wonderful people who are. Once I shifted my focus from what was missing to what was present, my attitude brightened immediately!  It is really easy to get caught up in the pity party, especially on holidays, but you can change the venue for the party and demand a positive party instead.

That is one thing I have learned through the years, you can lead your brain to where ever you want it to go.  You are in charge of what you think about, even if it doesn't always feel that way.  Where you focus your thoughts is where your brain will go, so focus your thoughts on the good in your life and you will find more goodness.  No, that doesn't mean ignoring the negative things will make them go away, unfortunately it doesn't work that way.  But focusing solely on the negative is guaranteed to bring more negativity and no body needs that shit.      

Speaking of taking your mind where you want it to go, I have been working on taking mine on a totally new adventure.  I have mentioned repeatedly in the past that I cannot draw, well I have decided that I don't want that to be true anymore, so I am changing it in my mind.  Now I have no expectation of ever being able to draw like Leonardo DaVinci or anything, but I know I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to doing, so I am going to allow myself to draw, and be good at it.  I will let you know how that all works out for me.

Right now I need to get ready to go out and do some shopping, so I guess I better work on changing my mind about how much I hate going out and doing the shopping.  Until next time ...
                  

Saturday, May 11, 2013

My Futility Funk

 Hello again Internet People!  I seem to have fallen into some sort of funk and it is really messing with my head at the moment.  For the past few days I have been having a heck of a time finding my focus.  I have flittered from one project to another, but nothing seems to be able to hold my attention.  I feel like there is something else I need to be doing, but I cannot figure out what the hell that is!  The worst part is, the harder I try to figure out what it is the I am supposed to be doing, the less I end up getting done.  

I go through this phase periodically.  I don't know if it is a hormonal swing, or what the fuck causes it, but it drives me batty.  I get this thought in my head that I should be making money somehow, and I drive myself round the bend trying to figure out what the hell I could do that other people would pay me for.  Since there is absolutely nothing that I am both willing and able to do that other people would be willing and able to (fairly) pay me for, you can see how this is a unending source of frustration for me.  For nearly 30 years I have fought this same battle, and the end result is always the same.  Epic levels of endless frustration.

While I wait for this latest wave of futility to pass, I am trying to pick away at other projects in the fleeting moments I can focus on anything.  I finished the second yellow Pansy I was embroidering and have started on a purple one.  And I am still working on the "sewing room", a little at a time.  I also have been working on trying to plan out some future projects.  I have been kicking around an idea about a tea pot for some time now, and while I still have no real clue what I want to do with it I did manage to design a pretty good pattern for one.  

I have mentioned before that I struggle with designing my projects because I have this mental blockage in my head that says I cannot draw.  No matter how hard I try to reproduce an image by drawing, I hate the results.  They might mot even be that bad, but it is not what I was envisioning, at all.  I am really good at tracing, but I cannot draw.  What I can do very well is cut.  For some reason the scissors will do for me what no pencil ever could.  So I have recently learned to cut out my pattern pieces and then trace them onto a master design.  It seems to be working for me so far.  I cut out the pieces for the teapot and then traced around them on another sheet of paper and it turned out pretty damn good if I do say so myself.  I still don't know what I am going to do with it, but I have the pattern for it now.

I also have this nagging urge to try to create some, well for lack of a better term, "abstract art" pieces.  I don't know why.  I don't even like abstract art, I don't understand it, but something in the back of my head keeps telling me I need to make some.  I keep pushing the thought back into the recesses of my brain, but it keeps sneaking back out front and center again.  There are so many other projects I want to make that I do like, I can't figure out why my brain keeps trying to get me to do things that I don't like.  It probably has something to do with my being crazy, most things do.

I guess I will go bang my head against the wall and try to figure out what I am working on today.  With any luck I might actually accomplish something today, but I wouldn't count on it or anything.  Until next time ...
                            

Friday, May 10, 2013

Good Enough For Who?

Hello again Internet People!  You will be happy to know that I managed to make some real progress in cleaning out the "sewing room" yesterday.  Just kidding, I know you probably couldn't care less, but I am very happy about it.  I am by no means done, but I am making steady progress.  Now, the old me (like last year) would have had this all done in one day, but I wouldn't have been able to do anything else for several days afterward.  I am learning to pace myself.  It is not easy.

Taking the time to slow down and just take things one step at a time is not one of my virtues.  I am always in a hurry, rushing to get this done or finish that so that I can get on with the next thing on my list.  I wasn't always that way though.  I remember when I was a teenager I really enjoyed taking my time on things.  I would spend hundreds of hours coloring pictures that served no purpose other than making me happy, and boy did I hear about what a waste of time that was!  My Mother literally called them my "time wasters". 

Now it is NOT my Mother's fault that I ended up having difficulties with wasting time as I got older, I do not want anybody thinking this is her fault cause it is definitely not. Its my husband's fault.  

Actually it is my fault.  It is all in my head and I know that.  My husband is a hard working man who spends the vast majority of his time and energies on trying to improve our lives.  He is a powerhouse who can work at full speed on any project until it is finished.  He doesn't fuck around.  He has never implied or insisted that I should work like he does.  He has repeatedly stated that he has no expectation of me ever being able to work like he does.  I still feel bad because I can't work like he does.  Intellectually I know this is ridiculous.  I am beating myself up over some imagined flaw that doesn't really exist.  I find that I do that a lot.

The vast majority of my problems with other people come from my inability to live up to the expectations I think they might have of me.  Not their actual expectations mind you, but my imagined ones.  I spend way too much time trying to read between the lines and personalize everything anybody says to me.  Its always personal.  Everything is personal.

I am learning to cut myself some slack, but it is difficult.  I guess I expect so much more from myself than what I am, but I don't know what more I could be.  I don't want to be anyone but me, but I am still not always sure that's good enough.  Which begs the question: Good enough for who? 

I know I am good enough for me, but I have never felt like I was good enough for the people I love.  That does come from a childhood of never being good enough, but I am a damn grown-up now, and no one I have loved as an adult has ever even hinted that I wasn't good enough.  Most of the people who have ever known who I really am still hold me in high regard (The vast majority of them generally have a higher opinion of me than I do), only the ones who refused to acknowledge or accept who I am have ever found me lacking.  

So, I am trying to learn not to beat myself up over shit that isn't real, and allow myself to work within my own abilities and limitations.  As I said, it isn't easy, especially as I try to recover all the weight I have lost.  If ever being lazy was a virtue, now would be the time!  I don't have the spare calories to work like I think I should, I need them for more important things right now, like my health.  The work will get done whenever it gets done, not like its going to disappear of I don't get it done fast enough.  It will all still be there tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that ...

Until next time ...

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Celebrating Differences

Hello again Internet People!  I noticed a new meme trend going around Facebook, about the CEO from some upscale kids clothing company bragging about how exclusionary his company attempts to be in marketing its products.  Now, I am not sure exactly why this has suddenly gotten so much attention, it has been a pretty obvious company policy from the start, I guess the guy actually saying it out loud bothers some people.  Personally I find it refreshing.  Its about time these people admit to what they are doing and take ownership of it.  

I am not a fashion oriented person.  I do not give a crap about any of it, and I never have.  I caught a lot of grief for not caring when I was a teenager, but I don't associate with people who care about fashion, so I haven't heard much about it since.  I don't wear make-up, I don't wear fancy clothes or shoes, and most of the time you are lucky if I don't have a bandanna tied over my hair.  I find all the hoopla and hullabaloo in the media over who is wearing what at the Oscars or whatever, disgusting and personally offensive. 

I understand that most people make their first impressions of someone based on how they look.  Hell, I still do it too sometimes, but I try really hard to look beyond the surface to who is inside.  For me, I find the whole obsession with appearances to be shallow and unworthy of my time or attention.  I have more important things to do.  I do not care about celebrities in the first place, and I certainly don't care what they wear since I don't give a crap what anybody wears.  I put on clothes to be comfortable.  I pay attention to the weather trends, not the fashion trends, when choosing my wardrobe. 

From my point of view ALL of the major fashion brands are, and have always been, about exclusion.  The whole premise behind advertising in our modern age is to make you feel like you are less of a person unless you use their products.  That's the whole freakin point, why is it surprising that one of them admits it?  Personally I wish they would all be so honest, maybe then more people would start paying attention!  There is nothing wrong with you that requires their make-up, their clothes, or their products to fix.  Not a damn thing!

Got some wrinkles?  You fucking earned them damnit!  Be proud!  Your complexion isn't flawless?  Join the rest of the human race!  We are all different for a reason, celebrate those differences, don't try to hide them behind someone else's idea of what is acceptable this week.

I was listening to a show on television a couple weeks ago, and there was a kid on there talking about how other people had always treated him like he wasn't "normal".  My heart broke for that kid, but maybe not for the reason most people would think.  My first thought when I heard him was how sad it was that no one had taught him how wonderful it is to not be "normal".  Instead of being taught to celebrate his differences he was being conditioned to neglect them.  That makes me very sad.  For him, and for the rest of the world that might miss out on an extraordinary human being because he was too busy trying not to be picked on for being different.                                 
                                  
For me, one of the most important things I have ever tried to teach my kids is to be proud of their differences, to celebrate their weirdness-es, to not be ashamed of them.  They get assaulted by the same advertising, all day every day, that every other kid is assaulted by, but we have tried to give them the skills to see it for what it is, someone else's attempt to make money.  They don't get all worked up about the latest toy or whatever craze is sweeping the nation this week, because they have more important things to do.  They are not "normal" "typical" American children, and I am damn proud of that fact, and I strive to make sure they are proud of it too.

I hope more companies will come forward and speak out about what customers they don't want, please tell me that you think I am unworthy of purchasing your products.  I had no intention of purchasing them anyway, I just want the rest of the world to see you as I do: the Greedy slimy little asshats that care about nothing but their profit margin and the money they can shove in their own pockets.  Don't buy into their bullshit, it is and always has been about the money they can take from you.  Period.  Quit giving it to them!   

                           

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Blogging It On Purpose

Hello again Internet People!  I managed to kill any chance of productivity today before I even got out of bed!  Mostly because I didn't get out of bed.  I slept 12 hours last night, not straight through of course, I haven't slept through the night in over a decade, but 12 hours total of horizontalness is still something I don't get to do very often.  From the way I am feeling right now, I think I should try to do it a LOT more often, but that isn't gonna happen.

I had planned on going back out to the flower beds this morning, but my husband already watered out there before I got up, so now everything is too wet to play in, and by the time it dries out enough, it will be too hot out there for me to work (we are supposed to get up near 90 today).  So, no weed pulling for me today.  I still have a lot of work to do out in the "sewing room", maybe I will go out there for a couple hours again.  I did manage to uncover all of my dye stuffs the other day when I was out there, so I could always just blow off any chance of doing any work for a few days and just start playing.  But I am trying to pretend to be a responsible person (why? I have no idea!) so I am trying really hard to resist the urge to dye, at least until after I get some of my work done for the season.

You know, its kinda funny how much this Blog has changed my life.  When I started this I knew I would be sharing a lot of things that I had kept hidden most of my life, what I didn't realize is how far into my own head it would take me, and how much of that would end up here in print.  I spend way more time now thinking about why I do the things that I do than I ever had before, and I actually feel better about myself as a person than I ever have in my life.  I know exactly how fucked-up I am, but I also know that its okay to be fucked-up, as long as you aren't hurting anybody else.  

Everybody is different, we all have our own faults and failings, every person on this planet is fighting their own unique battle for survival, and I am just like everybody else.  Yes, I make my struggles a little more public than most people, but I do that in hopes that someone out there will see they are not alone either.  

We are all in this together, if we choose to be, and I choose to be.  If my life can serve as a warning, or as a beacon, I am willing to play that part.  If just one person out there sees what I have written and decides that their life isn't quite as fucked as they thought, then all my public humiliation is worthwhile.  And, if not, then I hope I at least made somebody giggle once or twice, that would be good too.

There have been a few people who have expressed their appreciation for the things I have written, so I know there are people out there who are enjoying, or maybe even benefiting from what I post.  But to be honest, I write as much for my own benefit as I do for yours, maybe more.  

All my life I have had to hide who I really was from the people who were supposed to love me no matter what.  That left me with some pretty twisted beliefs about there being something wrong with who I was.  Having a place where I can work through all of that in writing has given me the ability to see that just because I am not what other people wanted me to be does not make me bad.  It just makes me, me.  And as much as I always wanted to be okay with being me, I don't know that I have ever been as okay with me as I am today, and that is due, at least in part, to this Blog.  Not only have I come to know myself better than I ever did before, I actually like myself more than I ever thought possible.  I may be a lazy, crazy, fucked-up piece of work, but I am lovable, and I am worthy of all the goodness that life has to offer, and regardless of anyone else's opinion, I like me, just the way I am.  

Until next time ...
                   
                        

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Tuesday's Progress Report

 Hello again Internet People!  Apparently technology has decided to work against me today.  I have already lost this entire post once, and had a hell of a time getting the whole damn system to work again afterwards.  This was after I lost the main external hard drive on my other computer this morning.  The drive that has ALL of my files for my Business, and ALL of the family picture files on it.  I do have redundant backups of most of those files on several other drives (I have been through this before), but the backup of the pictures is at least a year old, so everything I have shot in the last year was lost to limbo.  

Fortunately, as I have mentioned before, I am married to a computer genius.  He not only resuscitated the ailing drive, but also recovered all of my lost files, all in less than ten minutes!  He is my hero!  And yes, I am in the process of copying all the files to other drives, again.

I did manage to get out to the "sewing room" yesterday for a couple of hours.  If you didn't see how it looked when I started you wouldn't be able to tell I had done a damn thing, but I know I got a LOT done.  It still looks like an episode from "Hoarders", (minus the garbage and rotten food stuffs - that shit I do not understand) but the pathway between the piles of boxes is wider, and there are a couple of clean spots on my tables, so progress is being made.  

Speaking of progress, I promised you all some pictures today of the progress I have made on the "Monumental" basket, so here they are:                              



                                    
Keep in mind that the only flowers that are actually sewn down at this point are the two tulips, and the big pink flower (Amaryllis), everything else in just lying on top somewhere near where it will eventually be sewn down. The flowers for the Lily of the Valley are just attached by their stems at this point, I still have to sew each of them down.  I wanted to see how they were going to look, so I just did a few to test my layout.    

I also took a couple of close-up shots of the embroidered flowers because I think they are freakin awesome and I wanted to share their awesomeness with all of you.  So here are the two that I have finished:



I still have to clip and turn under the edges, but I think they will work perfectly.  I am so very pleased with them, especially the Pansy with the beads, it is just so damn cute!

I still have no clue what I am going to do today, I guess I better go eat something for breakfast and start figuring it out.  No heavy lifting work for me today, I have been burning too many calories for my intake, so I am going to try to not do anything strenuous today.  I guess I'll get back to stitching so I will have more pretty things to take picture of for you all in the future.

Until next time ...

 
                               

Monday, May 6, 2013

To Dye Or Not To Dye

Hello again Lovely Internet People!  I had a grand time outside cleaning the flower beds yesterday, and I managed to finish a whole 10 feet out of the 100 feet that need to be done.  I only put in about 2 hours, by the end of that time my fingers were too sore to continue.  That is the other thing about our "salt grass", it plays hell on my hands.  And just to show you that I was not exaggerating about the percentage of weeds which are salt grass, in the ten feet of bed that I did clean, there were a grand total of 4 other weeds, not 4 types of weeds, 4 actual weeds.  Two of those were trees, the other two were clover, and that was it.  The rest was all salt grass.

I spent the rest of the day stitching on a Pansy, inside the house.  I am on the last color, and should be finished with this one in another hour or so.  Tomorrow (or whenever I post next) I will try to get some pictures taken for you all so you can see how adorable everything is turning out!  I also managed to get my new bolt of fabric all washed out last night, so it is now ready for dyeing.  Now I get to fight myself every day over whether I am going to get more work done, or play with my dye stuffs.  Anybody want to lay odds on how long I last before I start mixing up colors?  

I do need to go out and clean out the "sewing room" before I start playing with dye though.  I put the name in quotations marks because it is more of a storage room than anything else these days.  A very messy storage room.  

Around October or November every year I start piling stuff I don't want inside the house, out in that room.  All winter long I continue hauling stuff out there and just dropping it wherever there is an empty space.  I can't even get to most of my dye stuffs at this point, they are deeply buried under the last 6 months.  So, I have to go out there and clean it all up before I can do much of anything else.  And since I managed to get myself a little sunburned yesterday, I am thinking I might go out and get started cleaning up that room today.  Maybe.           
                 
 Until Next time ...