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Sunday, September 30, 2012

Happy International Blasphemy Day!

Happy International Blasphemy Day!  See!  There really is a Holiday for Everything!  I suppose, since I probably owe all of you another bitchy blog post after making you read the last few pieces of mindless drivel I posted, I should take full advantage of the topic dropped right in my lap like that..  But I am not gonna.  Sorry.  After all the crap that went down when that dude posted his dumbass video mocking the Muslims a couple of weeks ago, I just don't even want to go there anymore.  All I have to say on the matter is that if your belief system is so fragile and impotent that all criticism of it must be met with death threats and murder, maybe you ought to look at finding a new belief system.

So, anyway, I finished quilting the quilt I was working on yesterday, and it is now all ready to be bound.  Now I just have to find something for the binding.  Not today though.  Last night I started working on adding to my color palette for my art quilt endeavor.  All those new fabrics I created this summer need to be added, so I started cutting strips off of all of them last night.  When I get done typing here I will go start ironing fusible web to the backs of all of those pieces I cut.  That will give me another 100+ colors to work with.  Unfortunately I think I am going to need more webbing.  I have already burned through 2 bolts, and the third is going quickly.  And of course I cannot find a record of where I bought them the last time, so I will have to go searching again.

Yeah, yeah, I know, you don't give a shit about any of that.  I guess that is the price you all have tp pay for reading the blog of a woman with no friends.  I have no one else to talk to, so I tell you.  If only there was some brave soul out there with no life of her own, besides maybe her husband and kids, who could befriend a middle aged crazy lady and give all of you a break from my idle chit chat.  Well, until she shows up, I reckon I will just keep on rambling to all of you.

I have just had a lot on my mind lately, what with the changes I am trying to make to my own life, and having a place to just sort through all of it has proven to be extremely therapeutic.   I am not sure I could see this through to its ultimate fruition if it wasn't for the feeling that all of you are depending on me.  I don't want to let you down.  Especially after you have sat through so many of these pointless blog posts!  I am still trying to figure out how to write out an artist's bio for myself.  I am far too complex a person to condense my essence into 100 words or less.  Well, I am probably not, but I just can't find the right words.  It is so weird.  I know who I am and I know what I want to do.  They are crystal fucking clear in my mind.  But I cannot figure out for the life of me how to put either of them into words that other people could understand.

I am sure the biggest problem is that I am trying too hard.  It usually is.  I just need to relax and let it come to me instead of trying to force it out.  In the mean time there are plenty of other things that I can be working on to prepare for my debut into the real world, so I better get busy on those instead of just sitting here talking about them.  I will find something to bitch to you about soon, until then, ... Namaste.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Some Rambling and Some Thoughts on Art

I am still hard at work trying to get all my projects out of the way so that I can get to doing what I really need to be doing.  I don't know whether I am stalling or being responsible, but I guess time will tell.  I spent today quilting one of the beautiful quilts I am hoping will sell this Fall.  I sure hope somebody out there loves it as much as i do!

I did do something radical and drastic last night.  I cut my hair.  Short.  I had been growing it out for the last couple of years, trying to get it all long enough to put in a ponytail, but it just looked horrid most of the time.  I could have given the wicked witch of the west a run for her money!  So I finally gave up and started hacking it all off last night.  I think I am going to go even shorter, but I wanted to take it in stages.  It looks pretty good now, just a little too poofy for me, so I will hack away at it some more in a day or two.

I have cut my own hair for decades.  I hate going to the salon.  They always screw up my hair, usually badly.  I have very thick, rather coarse, wavy hair on the top of my head, and curly hair on the sides and back.  It has to be cut uneven and choppy for it to look decent.  Still trying to work up the courage to color my hair.  Its funny I have spent hundreds of hours dyeing clothes and fabrics, but I have never dyed my hair!  I just turned 45 last week and I have never colored or permed my hair in my life!  Not sure if I really want to start now.  It might be fun to try out a different color for a while, but I have heard so many horror stories that I am not sure if it is worth it.

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary, and we did so in our own classic style.  Take out deli chicken and instant stuffing at home with the boys.  I know a lot of women would be disappointed with the lack of fanfare, but I really prefer it.  I have always been a cheap date.  I don't like a lot of fuss and hoopla, its more bother than it is worth to me.  I got to spend the day doing exactly what I wanted to do.  To me that is the best celebration I could ask for.

 I have been doing a lot of research into other fiber/textile artists out there, and just what it is that qualifies as an "art quilt".  That's what I really want to do you know, I am not sure if I have ever come right out and told you all that before or not.  Anyway, I want to make "art quilts", the kind you hang on the wall and look at rather than cuddle up in.  So I have been looking at other people's work to see just where my skill level measures up, and I have to say, I apparently have no eye for "art".  What some of these people put out there and call "art", I just don't get it.  I could have done that kind of stuff when I was 12!  A lot of it is absolutely stunning and awe inspiring, but a lot of it seemed pretty primitive and childish to me.  I know, I know, art is subjective.  All I can say is that I hope I manage to get a break some where down the line because I know I can produce work worthy of the title "art", I just need somebody else to see it!

Its funny, the one subject I avoided in school was art.  I Love to make it, but I never had any interest in studying it.  A big part of that was due to the way I was raised.  Art was not considered a "real" career choice.  It was a hobby, it might might make you a couple of bucks, but it certainly wasn't something you wasted your time learning about.  Most of my life I rejected the label of "artist", preferring instead to view myself as a crafts-person, but again, that was due, at least in part, to the devaluation of art in my upbringing.  Coming to terms with the reality of my nature as an artist has taken a great deal of time and energy.  Producing completed works will take a great deal more.  But, I am getting there.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  One minute at a time when necessary, but I am getting there.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

One Step At a Time ...

Mother has been hard at work this week pinning quilts, photographing t-shirts, and planning her direction for the future.  You all know that I have spent most of my life, hiding from a world that has never accepted me, and now, as I look toward stepping out of the shadows and into the light, there is much that must be considered.  I have shared with all of you some of my personal tragedies and triumphs, but there is much to be said for the fragile sense of freedom provided by the pseudo-anonymity of "Mother".  While I am more than willing to "own" my words and my life, that is much easier to do when nobody really knows who you are.

So as I contemplate coming out of the shadows and becoming the person I was always meant to be, the future begins to look brighter, rather than dimmer, for the first time in a very long time.  Honestly, I don't know that I have ever really looked forward to the future before.   I know there are going to be some major trials ahead of me, but instead of dreading them, I find myself eagerly anticipating them.  It is time for a new challenge in my life.  And the challenge is ME.  I started to come out years ago, just before I met my husband, but I allowed the comfort of our life and the demands of our family to supersede my interests and I faded further into the woodwork than I had ever been before.  I have allowed myself to become isolated rather than liberated.  This is not what I signed up for.

I know the time has finally come.  There is much work to be done, many preparations to check off the list.  And I am making progress.  Everyday I have managed to take at least a few small steps towards the goals I have set for myself.  And for me, this alone is success.  There is much more work ahead of us, but, as long as I keep moving forward, despite any setbacks that my "bi-polar ego" may inflict, I think I might just make it out of the shadows once and for all.

And you know why the time has come?  Because of you.  Knowing that there are other people like me out there who are afraid to share the voices and visions with the world is all the motivation I needed to find a way to stand up, and speak out, for all of us.  No one should have to live with the fear and the ridicule I have been forced to endure all my life.  Before I met all of you, I could handle the abuse the world shoveled upon me because I thought somehow I must deserve it.  But I could never stand by and watch anyone else be treated that way!  No one deserves to be treated that way.  And knowing that there are others out there, cowering in the shadows as I have always done, well that is all I needed to know to ensure that I have to try to make things different.  For you. And for me.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Happy Birthday to Me!

I want to thank everyone again for their kind words and support after yesterdays blog post.  I am feeling much better today, actually I was feeling better by the time I finished writing that post last night. Then I got to spend a couple of hours chatting with a Dear Facebook Friend, and that helped me feel even better.  I am not back to the delusional stage yet, but happily content at the moment anyway.  I did spend the entire day working my little tail end off cleaning, which could be pretty sad when you consider that today was my birthday.  But I was cleaning my studios, and it was absolutely exactly what I wanted to spend the day doing, so I had a grand time. 

My main studio, as I have mentioned before, is outside the main house, off the back of the garage.  It has, over time become more of a storage area than a studio, but I managed to rearrange things enough today that I now have a work space again, and a new photography studio!  I still need to get lights, and a tripod, and another couple of  sheets to put up on the wall, but I think this is going to work awesomely.  And the photography wall can double as a design wall, so I finally have one of those as well!  Yea me!

So the main studio is basically clean and ready to serve a useful purpose (or two) again.  I got about half way through cleaning the "bonus room" which I use as an in the house studio, as well as a storage room, and then I got too tired to continue.  (We have a lot of stuff, so we have a lot of storage.)   Now my back hurts, and my legs hurt, and I am very tired, but I feel pretty darned good.  I will have time tomorrow to finish cleaning the bonus room, and the quilt batts I bought should be here tomorrow, so I can get back to pinning quilts again when I am done cleaning.

While I was cleaning today I also found about 30 new projects to work on.  So I should have no excuse for not doing anything for a while.  Not that will stop me.  But I definitely have plenty to keep me busy for the next few weeks. And just wait until you see all the nifty, neat-o, cool type stuff I am going to be having in my Etsy shop this Fall!  Get your Christmas lists ready because Mother is going to have some great gift items coming in real soon!

For now I think I will sign off from here and go do some shopping around online to see if I can find the things I need for the photography end of things.  Now that I have the space set up I am in a hurry to put it to use.  I decided to re-shoot all of the pictures for the t-shirts and I just can't wait to get to it.  I will probably break down and actually leave the house to go shopping tomorrow.  I really don't want to have to wait for the stuff to come through the mail!  Oh well, I need to get my husband an anniversary present anyway, we will be celebrating 10 years together this Friday!  I have no idea what to get him, but I am sure I will find something if I look hard enough. 

Until next time ... Namaste.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Riding the Waves

Well, as I suspected, the delusion of grandeur have passed and I am left as the worthless, pointless waste of oxygen that I usually am.  This is why I will never make anything out of my life.  I can't hang on to the illusions long enough to even try.  So, back to wishing I could just die already and get this shit over with.  Relax people, I am not suicidal.  I won't do anything to hasten my release along, at least, not any more than usual.  

Of course my husband thinks I am mad at him, so he isn't talking to me.  I'm not mad at him.  I am mad at me.  I am the one who makes me this way, not him.  The worst part is I know its my fault, I just can't not be this way.  I have been trying for decades, it just doesn't matter what I do, I always end up back here.  At least today, I know it will pass, not nearly fast enough, but it will pass eventually and I will be right back to thinking I can conquer the world.  For most of my life I didn't have that faith.  So, I guess I am making progress.  Sort of.

I like the delusional me better.  She is much more fun to be around.  The realistic me is just fucking depressing.  And that right there is the problem.  I see the depression as reality.  Reality is depressing to me.  The world is filled with meanness, hatred, greed, and all those ugly things, that is reality.  All the Love, and hope, and compassion in the world doesn't seem to fill a thimble in comparison.  That is depressing.

When I can wrap myself up in my delusions I can be safe from all of the ugliness in the world.  I can even convince myself that I could play a part in vanquishing some of that ugliness from the world.  But then, again, reality comes crashing down around me and I remember that I can't even take care of myself, how in the world could I even think I could help anybody else?!

And you all thought I was kidding about being crazy.  Ha ha, fooled you!  I am certifiable.  That is why I stay very far away from people capable of certifying me.  If they ever got a hold of me they would lock me up and throw away the key!  Which wouldn't be so bad, except they would let me have sharp objects, and its hard to sew without scissors or a needle!  That simple fact right there is all that has kept me on the outside this long.

I know there are a couple people out there who might have come to care about the crazy lady who writes this blog so I want you to know that I am okay.  Really.  I am depressed, but this will pass, and I will not do anything too stupid before it does.  I might not want to live, but I won't do anything to stop living, I promise.  I have been fighting this battle most of my life, and I am pretty sure I will be fighting it for the rest of my life.  It isn't pretty, and it isn't fun, but, better me than some poor fool who couldn't handle it.  I will be back to thinking the world of myself again here shortly, just gotta learn to ride the waves.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Thinking, Just Thinking ...

Think. Think, think, think. Think some more.  I do too damn much thinking.  Need to do more doing, but there aren't enough hours in the day.  Had a nice visit with my eldest son and his girlfriend today.  i am not very good at entertaining people, but I don't think we scared her too badly.  She already had a clue that we couldn't be too normal, she has met my son after all.  I like her, she seems like a good fit for him.  A little weird in her own right, which is nothing but a good thing too me.  I wish I was better at talking to people so that I could have gotten to know her better.  But I just suck.  I am always afraid I will ask the wrong things, so I don't ask anything.  I can't do small talk.  I am just not a sociable person. But she seemed nice, and I hope she sticks around.  She really seems to like my son, and for me that is what counts most of all, so she's got my vote right there. As long as he is happy, I am happy. 

Now I need to get back to work.  My husband started talking about putting me back to work for him again, so I better get busy before he figures out something for me to do.  Sales have really fallen the past few months and business is looking rather bleak at the moment.  I am not sure if everyone is just so terrified of the election coming up that they are counting their pennies a lot closer, or just what it is, but this is the worst it has been since the beginning of the recession, and its starting to get scary.  It was bad enough when my sales fell to the point of being barely able to cover expenses, but when his fall too, well, this is definitely not good at all.  We are heading into what is usually out busiest time of year, I am hoping that things pick up soon.

For the moment I am trying not to worry about it too much. We have had down times before and it has always picked up again.  One day at a time.  Just keep taking it one day at a time.  It does make it difficult to focus on my own plans though.  It is going to take significant amounts of time to put together what I am wanting to do, and while it won't take a lot of money, it will take some.  And at the moment I feel guilty even thinking about it.  I know I can make money at it down the road, but it isn't going to happen overnight, I am just not sure how much longer I can keep putting it off.  I feel like I am running out of time.

I know, I am still relatively young, but decades of abuse and neglect have left my body in not the greatest condition.  I don't expect to make it to 70.  That gives me a maximum of 25 years left.  That is not much time.  There is so much still left to be done, I don't have time to waste.  Yeah, I know, welcome to the real world.  But I don't live in the real world.  I am the crazy lady, remember?  I like my delusions.  They are much more comfortable.

I would probably do much better if I could quit operating on obsessive behaviors.  I would love to be able to learn to do a little bit of each of the things that need to be done everyday.  But I can't.  I go all in.  One thing to the exclusion of pretty much everything else until it is done, then I can go on to the next thing.  And once my brain has zeroed in on that next thing, get the heck out of the way and let me do it or I will lose my freaking mind!  Of course I am still easily distracted, which is why I become so obsessive, it is the only way I can get anything done.  If I try to do a little bit of 30 different things, I might get part of 3 of those things done, but I will probably get 50 other things done that I had no intention of doing.  If I focus on one thing to the exclusion of all else, well, then I might actually get that one thing done.  Maybe,  If I am lucky.

I am getting better at it though.  I have been making a deliberate effort to take a little time to write every day.  This is why you have been subjected to so many pointless blog posts like this one.  So far I have done pretty good with that.  So maybe there is hope for me yet.  I wouldn't count on it if I were you, but there is always that possibility anyway. 

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Mother is Not Doing Shit ...

Okay, so we are halfway into day two of "Mother is not doing shit" apparently.  And yes, I mean that in the usual way of: I have done a thousand little things today, none of which count because I will just have to do them again any minute now, so I haven't done shit.  And I really should be doing some shit today.  My eldest son is bringing his girlfriend "home" to meet his Mother tomorrow!  I should be cleaning my damn house before my potential future daughter-in-law shows up!  But, I ain't gonna.  I cleaned it just the week before last, its not that bad yet.

It has come to my attention that some of you people cannot tell when Mother is teasing on this shit.  So, I guess I have to come out and tell you, unless stated otherwise, I am always being sarcastic and ridiculous here, I am not serious!  I have mentioned before that this was supposed to be a humor blog.  I know my brand of humor can be rather subtle at times, but I will give you a hint: If you think I am being too hard on myself, or what I do, I am totally trying to be funny.  I may not be succeeding, but I am trying.)

So anyway, back to me not doing shit. What I have been doing is a lot of soul searching and just plain thinking.  I have a couple of Facebook friends that I have been bouncing ideas and thoughts off of, trying to figure out just what the fuck I am going to do with the rest of my life.  I know what I want to do.  I have a mental list of projects and plans that I want to do.  The problem is I have this husband who I am pretty sure is not going to like most of those plans.  No, I haven't actually talked to him about any of them.  They are still too vague for me to try to explain them to him and he will just piss me off in his attempts to understand.  Now don't get me wrong, my husband is generally a pretty darn supportive guy, but he has a laundry list of personality quirks that I have a tendency to exacerbate.  I just don't know how to talk to him correctly.  He is Mr. Logical, and we all know that I am Mrs. Emotional, this makes for some challenging communications issues. 

So, just how do I ask a man who is so completely and totally private a person that his own family doesn't know where he lives, to let his wife have a life that is going to lead her directly into the public eye?  I don't need him to come with me, although that would be extremely helpful, I just need him to not stop me.  And I just know he is going to give me all the damn logical reasons why I should be prepared to fail.  I don't fucking need to hear that right now.  I am always prepared to fail, that is what I do best.  What I need is someone to help me cope with the possibility of success.  That shit is terrifying!  And the last thing I need right now is someone telling me how I am being "unrealistic" in even thinking I could do this. 

I don't care if I am being "unrealistic", the only way anybody ever does anything in this world is by being "unrealistic", why the fuck can't I be "unrealistic" too?  I bet there were more than a few people who told Obama he was being "unrealistic" when he ran for President.  I sure as hell thought he was!  I didn't believe for an instant that he stood a chance in hell of winning when he first announced he was running.  I mean really now, a black guy?  Seriously?  I thought they were stretching the envelope with Hilary running, as a woman, but a black guy?  Seriously?  In this country? I never would have dreamed they could get enough intelligent people out to the voting booths to counteract the ignorant ones that seem to always be the only ones voting most of the time.  But he fucking won anyway!  I was so damn proud of my country that day.  I understood exactly what his wife said, about being proud of her country for the first time in a long time, and I agreed 100%.  But that is neither here nor there, my point was, the man was completely "unrealistic" in his attempt to run for the office, but he didn't let that stop him.  And I don't want to let it stop me.  So now what do I do?

I know, I know.  I have to talk to my husband.  I don't want to.  But I know I should.  Maybe I will just wait until after I become rich and famous, that would be easier.  Fuck it, I think I will go with that idea ...

Friday, September 21, 2012

A Few Words on Nipples

Today I am going to bitch about the Facebook Nipple Police.  I was going to write about something else entirely, but then I learned that my Favorite Cartoonist was banned from posting to her Facebook page, again, for posting cartoon drawings with female nipples showing.  In case you were unaware of this fact, female nipples are apparently the ultimate evil according to the Facebook Police.  Male nipples of course are just fine, and the nipples that animals have are of course just fine, but human female nipples are EVIL!  Seriously?!? 

This is not an isolated incident.  I have known several people who have been banned from Facebook for varying lengths of time over Female Nipple exposure.  The only threat I have ever received from Facebook was over a picture where some woman's nipple was showing, I didn't even notice the damn thing when I posted it, and you could barely make out a blur of discoloration, but someone reported that all offensive nipple and I got yelled at for it.  One of my Facebook friends has been pan from posting twice, once for a silly cartoon nipple, and again for posting a famous Renaissance painting that happened to have a nipple or two showing.

And we are not even talking about REAL human nipples!  I know several Breastfeeding support type pages on Facebook who have had to fight tooth and nail to keep their pictures up and their accounts open.  The whole thing is just so ridiculous that I find it rather sickening.  I have seen some pretty fucked up and disgusting things posted to Facebook that never get taken down, but female nipples are an unholy sin.  Really?  Could we please get over the puritanical crap already?  It is the 21st fucking century.  Nipples are a natural normal part of EVERY human body.  Either ban ALL of them, or don't ban any of them, but the double standard has gotten really freakin old already.  It is high time that some people, especially the Facebook Gods, grow the fuck up!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Love is Never Wrong, Hate is Wrong

So I promised you all a bitchy post this week, I guess I better get busy and deliver one!  If you have been following along at all around here you probably know by now that I am a rabid supporter of Gay Rights, well actually I am a rabid supporter of ALL Rights and personal Freedoms, but that isn't what I am bitching about today, so we will stick with the first part for now. (Don't you just Love the monster run-on sentences that I write? I do - in case you hadn't noticed)

Anyway, I was watching a few minutes of one of this seasons new sitcoms last night (I am trying to wean myself away from the damn tv, but that is also another story), and there was a scene that really got me going so I am here to rant at all of you about it.  The show is called "The New Normal" and the main characters are a gay couple and the surrogate mother who is carrying their child.  I kinda like the show, its a little over the top, but in the bits and pieces that I have seen of the two whole episodes they have shown so far, the charachters have really grown on me.  But that is neither here nor there and has absolutely nothing to do with the point I was going to make, so lets get on with it already shall we.

So, in the show, the gay couple are out shopping at the mall and some random bigot makes a scene over the fact that one guy kissed another guy in public, in front of his kid!  This just pissed me off to no end.  I know this kind of shit happens in the real world all too often and it is damn time we put a stop to it!  So I am going to say this very loudly and very clearly: LOVE IS NEVER WRONG, HATE IS WRONG.

If you don't want to see two guys kissing in public, don't fucking look at them you pervert.  I am sorry that you might have to talk to your child, heaven forbid you should like, be a fucking parent!  Seriously, this guy said he felt sorry for any child the gay couple would have, being raised by people like "them", but the only one who deserved the sympathy was his child, to be raised in a home filled with hate will always be worse for any child than to be raised in a home filled with Love.

I would really like to think that if I was present at such an exchange that I would speak up for Love in the real world the same way I do here on the internet.  And I do try.  But, the truth be told, in that situation I probably wouldn't have spoken up to the bigot.  I am a little bitty woman, and I don't do conflict, as I have mentioned before.  I do know what I would have done though.  I would have walked right up to that couple and told them exactly what I just told you, probably loud enough for the other guy to hear it.  I can't fight against hate, I just don't have the strength for it, but I will fight for Love every chance I get.

And that is what it all boils down to for me.  I don't have any gay or lesbian friends or family members, I am not fighting for anyone I know really.  I see it more as I am fighting for EVERYONE, whether I know them or not.  In a world consumed by greed and selfishness, the one thing we all need more than anything else is more Love!  I do not understand these people who want to fill their world with hate, I refuse to even try.  If that is how you choose to live your life, fine, just stay the fuck away from me and all the rest of the decent people of the world.  Go live your miserable little life however the hell you want, but quit trying to force your misery down everyone else's throats!  I do not want it.  I do not need it.  I will not take it any more.


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

New Product Review - The "Sticky Buddy"

My husband bought me one of these nifty little gadgets a couple of weeks ago and I must say I LOVE it!  As an avid sewer with both a cat and a dog, little hairs and little strings are pretty much a fact of my life.  I cannot begin to count the number of those sticky rollers with the removable sheets I have gone through, and they never stay sticky very long!

This Product actually works!  And it worked really well for me.  I had a piece of black fabric that my lovely cat decided to nap on a few times.  It was literally coated with hair.  I ran the Sticky Buddy over it a few times and ALL the hair was gone!  I will admit, rinsing the thing off took a little more effort, but it was definitely worth it.

I have used mine several times since we got it and it still works as well as it did the first time.  I really like this product and would certainly recommend it to anyone who is tired of throwing money away with their lint.

Showing My Face to the World

Well Damnit, Blogger changed the stupid interface on me and I am NOT Pleased.  Not that it matters that much, but my favorite feature from the old interface is gone now, and that is sad.

Okay, so now I have two Blogs, and Three Facebook Pages up and sorta running.  I was thinking about starting a third Blog, to separate out my political/social rants from my personal struggles, but I am not sure I could keep up with which one was which for very long.  For now I think I will work on building the artsy crafty Blog and leave this one for all my craziness.

I am battling with myself over how I want to go forward with the entrepreneurial aspect of my life.  I have always enjoyed my anonymity immensely, but I think, in order to build my business the way I want, it may just be time to come out into the light of day.  If I am going to build a real name for myself, I think I need to BE myself, and let people see me for who I am.

This entire concept is of course quite terrifying for me.  I have mentioned before that I am not a people person.  But in order to do what I want to do, I think I am going to have to start faking it at least a little bit.  I am pretty self-conscious about my appearance, which is funny since I really don't give a shit about my appearance most of the time.  And honestly, other than the lack of a pretty smile, I am not really that hard on the eyes anyway.  I have certainly seen a lot worse.  And if they aren't afraid to go out in public and face the world, I don't see any reason why I should be.

So as soon as put together a biography I will post an actual picture of myself.  Not here. Here I am sticking with being anonymous, sort of.  I will post it on the Linaria Designs Blog , you will have to go there to see me.  I will let you know ahead of time, the picture I am going to use is 10 years old, but it is the best picture I have of me, and I don't look too much different now.  I certainly have no intention of getting all gussied up just to take a new picture, so you will have to be satisfied with what I have got to work with for now.

I am also trying to figure out a new logo design.  I have an idea of what I think I want to do with it, but I am just not sure yet.  I spent a lot of time earlier this summer trying to develop one, but I got overwhelmed and had to put it aside before I lost my mind entirely.  Now I am trying to work up the courage to try again.  I just get so easily frustrated with myself whenever I try to learn to do something new, I expect myself to be able to accomplish anything I set my mind to doing, and the slightest set back can be my undoing.  But, if I stop, and just put it away for a while, I can usually go back and finish it later without too much trouble.  I am hoping that will be the case this time anyway.

For now I think I am going to go work on something completely and totally mindless.  My brain is firing off too many ideas for me to keep up with at the moment and I think it is time to shut it down for a while.  I promise I will write something bitchy for you all soon.  There have been lots of people irritating me lately that you all will probably just love to hear about.  So, until then, remember, Mother Loves YOU! 


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Working Out a Plan

I have been working with that epiphany I had yesterday, and I have been developing a plan that may give me some chance at breaking the cycle and learning a new way of looking at life.  For the first time in weeks I am actually feeling rather hopeful again.  I know it is not going to be easy, or come quickly, but I think I can start making forward progress towards becoming a more supportive friend to myself.

I spent the better part of the day today pinning a quilt, twice.  I had the whole thing almost completely pinned when I discovered two very large pleats that had been pinned into the back!  So I had to unpin everything and straighten it out and then pin it all again.  This was my first attempt at pinning a quilt up on top of tables instead of down on the concrete, and I found every flaw I could create in the process.  I think I have a better idea of what I am doing now, so hopefully the one I have ready to pin tomorrow will go easier.  It was definitely better not having to crawl around on my knees all day, and the dog sure likes it better since he can be outside with me now when I pin.  With the quilts on the ground I couldn't keep him off of them, now that isn't a problem.

I also managed to get a few pictures taken of more new t-shirts for Etsy.  By the time I finished with the quilt I only had an hour or so of unshadowed day light to shoot pictures in, so I didn't get very far, but I am making progress and that is all that matters right now.  I have been working on a new marketing strategy for my business, well its hard to call it a "new" strategy when I never really had a strategy before, but I guess it still counts.

I have always looked at my "business" as a hobby.  My husband's business pays the bills, mine is just to provide me with spending money, and since I have never had that much interest in spending very much money, I haven't put a lot of effort into the business.  I have decided it is time to change that.  I need to see if it is possible for me to make a real business for myself, one that actually maybe turns a profit and could maybe give me that chance to live the life I want to live.  I have done fairly well considering how little I have really tried to make it work, I think if I can really dedicate myself to this I might be able to do alright.

I really want to concentrate on building my Etsy Store right now.  There is a huge marketplace there that I have been pretty much neglecting for years and it is time for me to see what I can do with it.  I have always been hesitant in the past due to the listing fees on Etsy, but they are actually less than eBay since I don't have to pay the store fee, and if I could even get half the monthly sales on Etsy that I do on eBay, it will totally be worth it.  I just know that I need to be a lot smarter in how I list stuff on Etsy so that it gets more exposure, and I have been developing a plan for that.  Wish me luck, I am sure I am going to need it!

And don't forget you can still get 40% off of everything in my Etsy Store by using the coupon code "Facebook" at checkout! Hurry!  Offer ends September 29!

Monday, September 17, 2012

The Making of an Epiphany

Well, once again I find myself sitting here on my bed typing to all of you when I really should be working.  I have a half finished quilt sitting on my sewing machine, waiting to be completed, but it is just going to have to sit there a bit longer.  I find myself still fighting that funk that has been lingering around me lately, and I am not sure what to do to make it vacate my brain. 

It has come to my attention that I have been doing entirely too much thinking lately and I really need to fucking stop it.  I guess maybe my impending 45th birthday is having more of an effect on my psyche than I wanted to believe.  I mean, I am totally cool with getting older, I have no issue with my age, I have too many friends who were denied the privilege of seeing 45, I know how lucky I am.  But I think I may be experiencing the beginning stages of a mid-life crisis, and I am not happy about it.

I have this overwhelming sense that my life is more than half over, and while I will stand tall in defense of how I spent my life so far, the future is starting to scare the shit out of me.  Honestly, I never had time to worry about the future before.  I was too busy raising kids and trying to figure out how to feed them and keep them safe TODAY, tomorrow always had to wait its turn to be worried about.  Now, suddenly the future is staring me head long in the face, and it seems to be saying : "You are so screwed".

I know what I need to do.  I need to quit beating myself up and start trying to support myself, in more ways than just financially.  I need to start acting like my own best friend.  It just dawned on me that while I have always claimed to be my own best friend, since I didn't have any others, I sure have never acted like much of a friend to myself.  I wouldn't take this shit from somebody else, why the fuck do I do it to myself?  I think this is what they call an "epiphany".  A thousand little light bulbs just went off in my head, my gawd woman you are a freakin genius!  A little slow on the uptake perhaps, but a genius none the less.   Instead of looking for a friend outside myself when I really don't have time for one anyway, I need to be nurturing the one friend that has always put up with my insanity, me.

I am not sure why it has taken me this long to see it.  I guess I wasn't ready to admit it before.  I thought just not treating myself like crap was doing pretty good, it never really dawned on me that I could actually be supportive of myself.  I guess the fear of being narcissistic has probably held me back, and that is probably a good thing.  I do tend to take things to extremes.  But just how do I go about being my own best friend without being self-obsessed?  I can see this is going to take some work to figure out.  But it does make me feel better to have a more defined issue to work out.  I have been feeling rather trapped lately and I couldn't figure out how to break out of the trapped feeling without destroying my life.  Maybe this is the key I have been searching for..  I have always known when my thought processes were flawed, but I have never been able to figure out how to correct them before, now I think I have an idea.  Thank You internet people!  Without all of you to ramble aimlessly at I am not sure I would have ever made this observation about myself.  And I am pretty sure I am going to continue to ramble aimlessly at you a lot more in the coming weeks as I try to learn a whole new way of thinking about myself.  So buckle up, this is bound to be a bumpy ride!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Fighting the Need to Fail

I have spent the weekend working on quilts, and am making good progress through the stack   I have one completely quilted, one partially quilted, and four more pinned and ready for quilting, I call that a good weekend!  The one thing about quilting is that it gives me lots of time to think.  Now, this could be a good thing, but it usually isn't. 

A psychiatrist friend of mine once pointed out to me that I have an incredible habit of setting myself up for failure.  Seriously, I am awesome at this, I could win prizes and shit I am so fucking fabulous at setting myself up to fail.  Now, he told me that probably 15 years ago, and as much as I can recognize it as being absofreakinglutely true, I still have not figured out how NOT to do it.  I think I have figured out the psychology behind WHY I do it, I am just terrified of success, but I don't know how to get past that and stop doing it.

I am sitting here driving myself insane at the moment trying to figure out how to find a way to "support" myself, to "pull my own weight in the world" as it were. Actually, I have been struggling with this all my life, but more so lately than O have in a very long time.  But no matter what I come up with, I find a way to shoot myself down before I even really try.  I just can't convince myself that anyone will ever see any value in anything I can do.  Now, my "logical" brain knows that this is ridiculous.  I am a highly educated, extremely talented, person with an extensive background in a wide variety of marketable skills.  I know this, without a shadow of a doubt I know thisBut, I also have that voice in the back of my head telling me that I am "worthless", that I "will never amount to anything", that I "will never be anything" ...

And for some unfuckingfathomable reason I always make sure the voice wins.  I just feel like, somehow, by proving the voice wrong I would be dishonoring it, and since it came from my family, I am thereby dishonoring them.  I know that is totally insane, especially since I threw my family out of my life almost a year ago, but I just can't work my way past it.  I think that breaking with my family is what has given me this drive to find a way to make money,   I have never cared much about money before, but now I would really like to do some things with what is left of my life, and they all take at least a little bit of money.  And since I don't have to worry anymore about what anybody else thinks about what I am doing with my life I would really like to quit wasting it and start living it.  But for some reason, I cannot let myself find a way to succeed.

I have really been trying to figure it out.  The t-shirt idea was not nearly as successful as I had hoped it would be, and I must admit that at least part of that is entirely on me.  I still haven't listed the larger sizes that people actually requested because I don't really expect anyone to buy them.  I haven't advertised them very much except it fits and spurts,  I pretty much just listed them all on Etsy and forget about them.  There are a lot of things I could be doing, and probably should be doing, to try to get them to sell, but once again, if I succeed at something, that might reflect badly on those who have clearly told me I am not allowed to succeed unless I do things their way.

So, I am putting some real effort into producing what I hope may be marketable goods over the next few months, and maybe I might even figure out how to promote them so that people will actually see them to at least give myself a chance to do something "successful" with my life.  Goodness knows, raising 5 kids, mostly on my own, doesn't count for shit, no matter how great those kids might have turned out, I need to be making some damn money!

By the way - in case you didn't see it on Facebook - I have put a 40% off coupon on all the t-shirts on Etsy good for two weeks only!  Just type "Facebook" into the coupon code box when ordering!  Hurry!  Offer ends September 29th!  Just click on the "Mother's Gift Shop" link on the upper right of this page to go straight there!  (See - I am trying!)

Friday, September 14, 2012

Post #100 of the Year

I just noticed that this will be the 100th Blog post I have written this year!  Wow!  I don't know about you, but I am fucking impressed.  None of my other favorite bloggers write that much.  Maybe that's why they are more popular than I am.  I probably talk too much.  I know I say too much.  I just don't know when to keep my big mouth shut,  Well, I know when, I just refuse to do it.

To those of you who have taken the time from your busy lives to read my insane ramblings, whether it was just one, or all of them, THANK YOU.  And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  I really never expected anybody to read this shit except maybe my oldest son, or my husband, and I didn't even expect them to read all of it! When I started this Blog I just really needed to have a place where I could finally release all of the frustrations and irritations of my life in a world that more often than not, doesn't seen to want me around.

For the first time in my life there seems to be at least a few people out there in the world who can see that there are a lot of things more important then money.  Finding other people who measure the value of a person by more than the balance of their bank accounts truly has lifted my spirits in ways I could never begin to find the words to express.

All of my life I have been told how crazy I am, how naive I am, how foolish I am, how unrealistic I am, and of course,  how "bad" and "despicable" I am, and I have learned accept that there will always be people who would choose to look at me that way.  There is nothing I can do about that..  But to learn that I am not alone in this world.  Well, to tell you the truth, that is still taking some getting used to.  I have ALWAYS been alone. In my entire life there has only ever been one person who has ever really wanted to listen to me, there has only ever been one person who has ever shown me that what I think and how I feel about things is actually important to him, and I had to give birth to him to find him!  Even my wonderful husband doesn't want to listen to me, he says I am "too emotional".  Duh!  Who the fuck did he think he married?  "Too Emotional", what the fuck does that even mean?  Of Course I am "Too Emotional", dude, have you even met me?

And now suddenly, there are real people, not only wanting to listen to what I think and how I feel, but they are even agreeing with me sometimes!  You are not telling me I am "too emotional" or  otherwise "bad" (well, not the ones of you I am actually listening to anyway).  I cannot express, I cannot even begin to express, how immensely overwhelming and empowering this entire experience has been.  To believe that there could even be one other person in the entire world who wanted to hear what I had to say; I had given up hoping for that a long time ago.

Some of you have taken the time to thank me for putting your feelings into words, but the truth is, I am always the one who should be, and is, Thanking all of YOU.  Having complete strangers from around the world who are willing to take a few precious minutes out of their generally all-too-busy lives to not only "listen" to me, but to even sometimes agree with me, when no one in my "real life" ever has, ... There really are no words, all I can say is THANK YOU, from the core of my very being, I Thank YOU for listening to me.

Monday, September 10, 2012

When Helping People is "Sickening", But Killing Them is Fine, You Might Be a Republican

Mother is NOT Pleased.  Nothing new there.  And surprise, surprise, the stupid, mean, selfish hypocrites are the ones pissing me off again.  I was literally told yesterday that I am a "despicable" person for giving birth to children while being poor.  Yep, really.  I "should have kept my legs closed".  So, as I said yesterday, only rich people should be allowed to have sex.  One woman actually said she found it "sickening" that part of her tax dollars go to support other people.  Apparently she, like most Republicans, has no issue with the majority of her tax dollars being used to KILL people, but to help people, well that is just "sickening".

No lady - YOU, and the people who think like you, are Sickening!  You are just plain sick!  I have read article after article and comment after comment from these "holier than thou" fucking hypocrites talking about how offensive they find the whole concept of helping other people, all the while they are living high on the hog due to the help of OTHER PEOPLE!  According to our Constitution, the JOB of the Government is supposed to be to "Promote the general welfare" of the PEOPLE of this country.  ALL the fucking people!  Not just the ones who want to live the way you say they should!

I do not understand how people can be so cruel and so blind and so fucking stupid.  ALL of the Republican Candidates and Representatives LIE to your faces all the freakin time and you people say I am the one who is "Naive" and (my personal favorite) "Brain-washed".  They claim to be "The Party of God" but they shun everything positive about their own religion's teachings and glorify everything that is negative.  That I will NEVER understand.  Your "God" disapproves quite strongly of greed and selfishness in that book you want to throw at everyone else.  If you want the laws in this country to reflect Your "God", lets start there shall we?  Oh, you don't like that idea?  Fucking join the club asswipe!  Gays cannot possibly "destroy the sanctity of marriage", the heterosexuals have ALREADY done that!  The real issue is that you are afraid they will be MORE successful at it and they might just show you up! 

If you sent your kid to Public School at any time, then OTHER people's TAX dollars helped you to raise your kid.  MY TAX dollars helped raise YOUR damn kid!  I may not have paid a lot of income taxes in my life, but I have been paying Property Taxes every year since I was 19 fucking years old, and most of that time MY kids were NOT attending Public Schools.  But do I bitch and moan and whine about MY tax dollars being spent on services I don't use?  NO, because that is STUPID!  I live in a Country where we are supposed to help one another and take care of one another, you know, like your "Jesus" said to "Love thy Neighbor".  You do remember that line right?  I know it is rather insignificant what with ALL the chapters upon chapters about how "sinful" everyone else is, while you, of course, are absolutely perfect.

Its funny, I write all this shit as if I am talking to those people, and yet and I know that those people would never bother to read my words anyway, and even if they did they are so lost in their own hypocrisy that they couldn't possibly comprehend anything I have to say.  I am NOT writing to Republicans.  I am writing FOR me.  If I don't get this shit out of my head I will really get depressed and start remembering why it is that life on this planet with those people around, is really not worth living, and I really don't need to be reminded of that.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Just a Few Words About Being "Despicable"

Well, I was working.  And then somebody had to be stupid and piss me off.  Now I need to write again so I can calm down.  I tell you one thing, I am so fucking glad I don't really have to deal with those stupid people anymore.  It has taken me the better part of 45 years to finally create a life for myself where I do not have to deal with them very often, and I am ever so grateful for that every single day!  I still have to deal with my husband when he is being an asshole, but at least he isn't a hypocritical, judgmental moron, so it is very much worth it to have him around to deal with the hypocritical, judgmental morons for me.  That's his job you know.  Among other things.

Just wondering here, but when did people decide that only rich people should be allowed to have sex?  Or just fucking live for that matter?  I am so sick of people acting like there is something wrong with poor people having children.  Especially when it comes from people who have their own children enrolled in a Public School!  Fuck you - you aren't supporting your own damn kid either, so get the fuck off your high horse and get over yourself!  I mean really now, the whole fucking thing is so fucking stupid it just makes me sick.

Yeah, I am poor.  And yeah I have a whole bunch of kids.  And yes, once in a while I have received assistance from the government to raise those kids.  So did every other parent in this damn country!  Unless you are uber rich and you have never: sent your kids to Public Schools (this includes Universities), you never took any of your kids to a community hospital, never took your kids to a library, or a zoo, or a city park, never drove your kids anywhere on a Public Road, never bought any food that was inspected by the USDA, the list goes on and on and on, then don't try to act all fucking high and mighty with me about "paying your own way"!  No body makes it through this life on their own, NO BODY!  You didn't fucking build that, not without help you didn't, so shut the fuck up and sit your ass back down.

I swear I will never understand why people have to be so fucking mean and selfish.  I just Love listening to hard working people bitch and moan about supporting people on Welfare.  Hey, dumbass, if you would get your representatives to tax the RICH fuckers like they should be - YOU wouldn't be supporting those people, the rich people would be, and not only can they afford it, but they are the ones who should be paying for it because they are the ones keeping people poor!  If the fucking Walton family paid their employees a living wage in the first place, the Walton's wouldn't be so damn rich, and their employees wouldn't be collecting Welfare benefits!  So, the rich SHOULD be supporting the poor, NOT the hard working middle class people.  But the Hard working middle class people seem to think that they will ALL someday be rich somehow, and they still don't want to be asked to help anyone else out, no matter how much help they got along the way.

I could never be rich.  I have told my husband that if we ever won the lottery, or came into a large amount of money somehow, he is completely in charge of the money, cause I would have it gone in a heart beat.  And no, I wouldn't spend it on worthless crap (well okay a little of it maybe), I would give it away.  I would make it my mission to find every person I could that was kind and unselfish, and just give them some money, or buy them a house or a car, or whatever they needed.  No one person needs millions and millions of dollars, much less billions.  It is just selfish, greedy, and just fucking wrong in my opinion.  If the rich would quit hoarding all the fucking money and put it back into the system where it should be, then we would all be able to live comfortable lives without anyone suffering.  But no, that is just a terrible idea, its much better to blow people up with bombs and tear them down with cruel words, than to ever actually take care of one another.  I know, I know,  I am a "despicable" person for even suggesting such things, but I really don't fucking care anymore.  If that is what you think, then you should probably know that I think you are sick, and just plain evil, so you can put that in your own damn pipe and smoke it!.

My New Idea For a Series of "How To" Books

Nope.  Still don't want to work.  I thought about it, and decided I would rather just keep writing.  I suppose its kind of funny, I am sitting here talking about quilting as "work" and writing as not "work".  But, today that is what they are for me.  So I am going to keep right on, not working, until I change my mind.  It is Sunday after all.

I have been thinking for a while now about writing some "How To" type e-books about some of my favorite hobbies.  Yesterday I came up with the perfect name.  Since I want to write a whole series of them I will call the series: "Learn How to Fucking Do Shit with Mother"!  (What do you think?  I absolutely LOVE the name, my husband, on the other hand, is not so enthused.)  Then I could write the different books like - "How to Fucking Dye Shit with Mother" and of course, "How to Fucking Quilt Shit with Mother".  Of course I would probably have to self-publish them, hence the need to make them e-books, but I think it sounds like a lot of fun!  I know I am crazy, but I would buy them!

I hate all the "learn to quilt" type books that get all anal about making sure every little thing is perfect.  I am not perfect.  Life is not perfect.  I don't think I have ever met any one who was perfect.  So, in short, fuck perfect.  What if someone just wants to learn how to sew some fucking pieces of fabric together and make a useful, serviceable quilt from them?  There is no "how to" book for that, and there damn well should be!  So I want to write it.  No one should be afraid to try a new hobby.  And they certainly should not be intimidated by what are essentially very simple skills.  The quilting snobs can have their "perfect" books, I want to write one for the rest of us.

When I started quilting, just as with every other hobby I have ever learned, I didn't take a class.  I read books, and I read shit online.  And then I read more shit.  And then I just started making quilts.  I later found I had skipped over a lot of rather useful information in my reading because the writers had spent too much time trying to convince me I could never really make a perfect quilt.  That was not helpful.  There are simple basic steps to making a quilt, just like every other hobby I have, and not a one of them is all that fucking difficult (unless you choose to make it that way).

I have learned over the years that I am pretty good at breaking even the most complex concepts into their most basic components in order to explain them to other people.  Ten very long years with my ex-husband, and several years of tutoring students of all ages have helped me hone that skill and I might as well put it to use.  My High School Creative Writing teacher Mrs. Franke always told me that you need to "write from what you know".  That didn't help much in High School, I didn't fucking know anything then!  But maybe the time has come to put her words into play in my life and start writing about the things I know about.  I guess I have been trying to do that with this blog, but it isn't making me any money right now, and I need some fucking money!

Not that I think I would make very much money off the e-books either, but at least I could tell myself I was trying.  My sales have just sucked beyond all scope of reason this year, and I keep trying to come up with something new to sell, but no one has any money to buy anything anyway so I am just spinning my wheels no matter what I do.  Which leads me back to - why the fuck not just do it and see what happens?  I mean, really now, what is the worst that could happen?  Well, I could spend months taking pictures and writing text to put an e-book together, and then never sell a single copy.  And that would mean the net result would be pretty much exactly the same as all the time I have put into Facebook and this blog over the last year.  Gee, that kind puts it all into perspective huh?  Fuck it, what the hell, there must be someone out there who wants to "Learn to Fucking Do Shit with Mother" - Right?

My "Bi-Polar" Ego

I probably should be working, but I don't want to.  I need to write today, for what ever reason, so I am writing.  I have no idea what the hell I am going to write about, but I need to write, so I just start writing.  That is how I end up with most of my blog posts anyway.  I just start writing, and keep writing until I come up with some thing that may or may not be worth talking about.

Right now I am just feeling a little defeated.  Not that I have actually attempted much of anything to be defeated at, but that isn't really relevant.  I have discovered that I have a bi-polar ego.  Its funny, I can talk myself into believing I can do just about anything that I want to do, right up until the moment when I have to actually do it, then there is no way in hell I could ever do anything remotely like that.  And I do this to myself ALL the freakin time!  I know it drives my husband nuts, hell it drives me nuts!  I am the most self-confident person you could ever meet, right up until the moment when I believe the most incompetent person who ever lived.

The worst part is I have never really failed at anything I have given a real effort to.  I am damn smart, and extremely fucking talented.  And I KNOW how smart and talented I am, but that doesn't even slow me down when I start beating myself up for how fucking stupid I must be for even thinking I could ever do something like that!  Whatever THAT may be.  I truly am my own best admirer and worst critic all rolled into one.  And, trust me on this one, it does not make life any easier.

There is this other thing I tend to do a lot too, along the same lines, I tend to negate the importance of what I do and inflate the importance of the things that don't get done. Like saying "I didn't do a damn thing today", when actually I have done over a hundred different things but none of them really count because I do them every day. I often wonder if this trait of self-depreciation (not sure if that is the right term here, but it seems to fit best)  is more common in women than in men.  I think a lot about weird shit like that, I have no idea why. I think, maybe, women are just more prone to admit to it.  I know I have seen my husband do it, never to the extremes that I do, (no sane person takes anything to the extremes that I do!), but I have seen him get frustrated with something and blame himself for the problem, whether it has anything to do with him or not.  But he certainly isn't anywhere near as vocal about it as I am.  When I get down on myself I verbalize my thoughts, too much for his comfort sometimes.  But he doesn't understand that in order for me to recognize how ridiculous I am being I have to hear myself saying it out loud.  No, I do not need him to tell me how ridiculous I am being, I can recognize it just fine, when I say it out loud.  That is what lets me move past it and keep going.  If I just kept all that shit bottled up inside my head I really would go insane! 

I would like to think the critic in me keeps me humble, but the truth is it just holds me back.  You see, there is this part of me who absolutely knows with out a shadow of a doubt that I could really make some incredible art with my quilting and tell some incredible stories with my words, but that critic bitch keeps getting in my damn way! I waste so much energy fighting against her that could be so much better spent in other ways.  Fortunately she is the one who I will keep fighting.  Until I figure out a way to "ban" her from my life like I do the asswipes on Facebook, I have to keep fighting her.  I know if I ever let her win I will go back to wishing for my own death everyday, and I really didn't enjoy that at all.  I have too many things to do to let her stop me now.  And thanks to all of you, apparently I have even more people depending on me staying alive now, so dying is still not an option.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

I Am Really Not a People Person

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I am not a people person.  As much as I Love people, I do not like being around them very much.  When I was younger I thought having friends was one of the most important things in the world, but I never had very many.  I never even found a best friend who valued me as much as I valued her.  Every girl or woman that I have ever considered my "best" friend, had someone else entirely that they thought of as their best friend.  As hard as I have tried I just can't seem to connect with other women very well. 

Most of my friends are guys, the only friends that I have managed to keep for nearly 30 years, are both guys.  Its funny, I have three of my former female "best" friends on my "friends" list of my personal Facebook account, but not a one of them has ever bothered to "like" any of the pages I run on Facebook.  They won't even talk to me, either on Facebook or on the phone, but they all wanted me on their "friends" list for some reason.  Now those two guys I mentioned, they both not only took the time to "like" my pages, they actually even interact on them occasionally, and they have brought more people in with them.

The only problem I have with having only guys for friends is that my husband hates it.  He is convinced every other man on the planet wants to have sex with his wife, and that there could be no other reason why they could possibly ever want to have anything to do with me.  Now, I know this is ridiculous, but he is just irrational, and there is no point in arguing about it.  So, that leaves me with no one to talk to most of the time. 

Fortunately I am rather used to that.  I have spent long stretches of my life with no one but myself to keep me company, and I like my own company.  The problem is that my husband likes my company a little too much.  He cannot understand why I want to spend time by myself.  The whole concept just seems incomprehensible to him.  He says he would understand if I wanted to go off and spend time with a friend (hahaha), but since I don't have any friends, I should want to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, every year, with just him and the boys.  I don't.  I need time to myself.  He thinks a nap, or an hour in my sewing room should be good enough, but its not. 

He cannot understand the constant demands that I feel on my time and attention, and the need to get away from those demands for more than a few minutes at a time.  He is here all the time with the kids, and they don't bother him, why should they bother me?  Well, for one thing the dang kids never ask him for anything!  Whatever they want, whenever they want something, it is Mom, that they ask, not Dad.  Even when Dad is cooking dinner, they won't ask him what he is making, they ask me.  They have learned they are not supposed to bother Dad when he is working, and from their perspective he looks like he is working most of the time, so they don't want to bother him.  Nobody thinks twice about bothering Mom though.  Hell, they will even try to come ask me for stuff when I am in the bathtub! I am on call constantly, and have been for almost 26 years.  It gets to be a little too much sometimes and I just need to be alone.

We made a deal a few years ago, that I am supposed to get one week off every five years, to go away by myself and just be alone for a while.  Last year was supposed to be my year.  I didn't go.  I just didn't have the money, and this year isn't looking any more promising.  Maybe I can sell some quilts this winter and have enough money to go somewhere next year, but I am not holding my breath. 

I think that is why writing this damn blog has become so important to me.  It is my little escape.  I am trying to teach the boys not to bother me while I am sitting on my bed typing, but some habits are harder to break than others.  Since I don't have any friends I can really talk to, you all get to listen to me ramble aimlessly about whatever the hell has gotten into me this time.  At least with you people I have a chance to be myself for a while without having to worry about what everybody else wants me to be.  That is a nice change of pace for me.

I know I can be coarse, and offensive.  I come across as heartless bitch sometimes, mostly because my heart has been stomped on so much that I just don't have the energy to fight for it anymore.  The truth is I am probably one of the most fragile people you would ever meet, both physically and emotionally.  That's why I am so quick to "ban" people who want to argue with me, they literally make me physically ill.  I don't do conflict.  At all.  After the years of torment my ex-husband put me thru, I just can't take it anymore.  The littlest thing can tie my stomach up in knots for hours, even days.  When we first moved down here, after the final straw broke me, I weighed a grand total of 92 pounds.  I managed to get all the way up to 112 pounds a couple of years ago, before my family and some dumbass neighbors started causing more stress for me for no damn reason, and I lost most of the weight I had gained.  That is what stress and conflict do to me.  It is not healthy, and I will not deal with it anymore if I don't have to.  And guess what, when it comes to Facebook, and this blog, I don't have to.  So I don't.

So for those of you who keep coming back here to read the nonsensical rambling of this middle aged crazy woman, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time out of your busy lives to spend a few minutes with me.  Knowing there are at least a few people out there who seem to like me for who I really am is truly one of the greatest gifts I have ever received and I cannot begin to express how deeply I appreciate each and every one of you.   Thank you.

Friday, September 7, 2012

An (un)Important Quilting Update!

I am not sure what the hell happened, but I seem to have completely lost most of the month of August this year.  Actually I think I missed most of the whole damn summer!  How the hell did it get to be September already?  I have too many things that still have to be done before it gets cold, I am not ready for September yet! 

Since I am quickly running out of favorable outdoor weather I have spent the last two days trying to get all of the quilt tops I have finished paired up with backs and batting so that I can get them quilted this Fall.  So far I have 5 ready to be pinned, and two more that I broke down and just bought backing fabric for because they are huge and beautiful and I didn't want to screw them up with a crappy pieced backing.  So, whenever that fabric shows up I will be able to pin those two quilts as well.

This is one of the big ones that I bought a back for, it is a queen sized one and will probably be available for sale before Christmas (so start saving now!):

This one I already had a piece of fabric to fit the back, it is a large lap quilt size I think:
 And then this one I pieced a back for, it is also a large lap quilt size I think, maybe a twin size:

I have another bunch of tops that are not quite finished that I am trying to complete as well so that I can get them pinned before the cold weather hits. Here are a couple I am finishing now:

The yellow one will be a queen size once the borders are on, I haven't determined the borders yet for the pink one, so I don't know what it will end up.  These, and the two brown and green ones above are all from the Serendipity Series that I started last Fall, made entirely from my own hand dyed fabrics and a few beautiful batik fabrics.  I have two or three more of these started, but I don't think they will get finished this year.

 I pin all my quilts in our front driveway (we have two and don't use the second one for cars, so it can be kept relatively clean), and its always tricky to find a day with no wind,  that is not too hot or too cold, and when it won't rain for at least four hours.  Then comes the fun part of spreading out all the layers and crawling around on my hands and knees on the concrete, straightening, and then pinning the layers together with hundreds of little safety pins.  Yep, it is exactly as much fun as it sounds.  I am working towards being able to do it up on tables eventually, but I still need a couple more tables, so for now, the concrete is my best friend.

I am trying to get all these quilts done so that I can try to sell them.  So if you happen to want one, you can let me know.  They will not be cheap, but I will try to be as reasonable as possible.  I don't live in China and I can't afford to make a quilt and sell it for $30 like Walmart.  The fabric alone costs way more than that!  Not to mention the batting inside, and the thread.  And my time has value.  I don't expect to make a lot of money from them, but I am not giving them away anymore.  I learned that lesson already.  I hope to have most of them done before Thanksgiving, but I may not meet that goal.  I will get as many of them done as quickly as I can, while giving each of them the love and care that they deserve.  There are a whole bunch more in the works that I don't have pictures of as well.  I have three very pretty floral lap quilts ready to pin, and all those strip quilts I was working on this summer are just waiting on borders to finish them off.

So now you know why Mother has been only posting in fits and spurts lately.  I do try to write for an hour or so each day, but most of it hasn't been fit to print.  I am not sure this one is either, but your are getting it anyway.  And, since I have bored you to tears with all of this dribble, I will offer those of you who made it this far, a small token of appeasement, in the form of ... more quilts!  These two I already have pinned and ready for quilting, I am just waiting for the weather to cool off enough to have all of that fabric in my lap for hours at a time!  So here you go, enjoy:
"Jungle Stones"

"Oriental Dreams"

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Okay, So Maybe I Am Not Funny, But My Life Is Hysterical!

Okay, so I finally realized today why it is that I have such a hard time writing humorous blog posts (did you even realize this was supposed to be a humor blog?).  The problem is that I am not funny.  Damn it.  As hard as I may try, I really am not a funny person.  I have a great sense of humor, but I have never been able to tell a good joke.  What I can do better than most people though, is find the humor in life.  With a life like mine I had to learn to find the humor in it or I would have gone crazy, in that bad, "lock you up and throw away the key",  kind of crazy way, instead of the harmless silly ridiculous way that I went.  That would not have been good for anyone!

So, now that I finally figured out that I am not really funny, now what?  How does a not funny person write a humor blog?  Now, that is a damn good question!  And I really wish I had an answer for it!  But seriously now, how the fuck am I going to pull this one off?

I guess, since I am not funny, I will just have to start telling you all stories about the people, and critters, and other things that life has thrown at me that are funny.  I have told you a little about my wonderful husband, the asshole who worships me, and my psychotic dog, Jack, who shows his love and affection every morning by trying to annihilate my slippers while my feet are in them.  I guess I should introduce you to some of the rest of my band of merry misfits.

 Well, there is Baby Kitty, the cat, she is the last surviving furry child of the eight that my husband had when we met.  Yes, EIGHT!  He had four cats and four large dogs when I met him!  Baby Kitty, is 13 years old, but her name is still "Baby".  And like all the critters I have shared my life with, Baby is weird.  Baby is a vegetarian.    Cats are not supposed to be vegetarians!  WTF!?!  She loves green beans, and fresh pumpkins are her all time favorite!  You should see this cat with a freshly hollowed out pumpkin!  She will spend hours, rubbing against it, licking it, climbing inside for a quick nap, and then starting all over again!  She does not like tuna fish, or any other kind of meat.  She turns her nose up at milk, or eggs, however she does have an incomprehensible fondness for cream cheese and butter for some odd reason.  Oh, and she Loves to take a bath!  No, not in the tub, or the sink.  No, she takes her bath in her water bowl!  Every morning she sits by the bowl and waits until I refill it with fresh water, so that she can dip her paws in the clean water to wash them!

I have talked a little bit about some of my strange and bizarre offspring before so you probably know that I think the world of most of them.  For some over-protective, paranoid reason I am not comfortable using my children's names on the internet, so I am just going to refer to them by their first initials from this point forward, so that you can tell them apart, and I have something to refer to them by besides numbers.

 My oldest son, "T", also known on Facebook as my #1 fan, is my best friend and one of the finest men I have ever had the privilege to know, but he is still fucking weird.  Its not his fault, he gets it from his Mother, but he is still weird, and he always has been.  When he was 18 months old he had an extensive vocabulary and was not afraid to use it.  He was carrying on "adult" conversations, and contributing intelligently to the discussion before most kids knew what the word "discussion" meant.  My friends used to play a game with him to see who could teach him the most outlandish words and phrases, and he loved every minute of it.  We used to tease him that he was actually a midget, because he was never really a child, he was just a very short grown-up.  Now he is 25 years old, and not so short anymore, but it is kinda nice to look up to him now, in more ways than one.

When my third son, "J", was born, he was 7 weeks premature.  The hospital kept him in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) for five weeks after he was born.  My oldest son was 4 years old at the time, and the hospital would not let him in to see his brother due to some ridiculous "rule" that said siblings had to be at least 5 years old to get in.  As I said, my son was more mature at 2 than most kids are at 10, but that was apparently not relevant when there were rules to be obeyed.  So, since the hospital wouldn't let "J" out, and they wouldn't let "T" in, "T" decided to paint an escape map for his brother, so he could break out of the hospital and come home. Now how a premature infant was going to manage this feat was not really a consideration, but making sure that his brother got the map was of the utmost importance.

That map turned out to be an omen I think.  As "J" got older he developed the greatest disappearing acts of all time.  That child was virtually impossible to keep track of.  It was actually a family joke when he was little that we could not get divorced because that child required not only two parents watching him at all times, but an older brother as well.  We went to a local park one day, "J" was about 4 or 5 at the time, and he did not talk.  He could understand everything we said, that was clear, but he didn't have any interest in talking to us yet.  What he did have an interest in, was cartoons.  He wouldn't usually pay any attention to the tv if there were real people on it, but he was fascinated by cartoons.  And one of his favorite cartoons at the time was called "The Magic School Bus", so of course he was fascinated with school buses.  So we are at the park, and there is a group of local school kids having their annual school picnic at the park.  We went down to the pond to feed the ducks, but "J" was never really interested in animals so we went on across the park to the playground.  All three kids were on the playground having a grand time and then "R" (my daughter), who was about 3 at the time, slipped and fell down and started crying so I went to help her, and her dad went to help her, and in that split second,  "J" disappeared!  Now usually when we were out in public my oldest son was assigned "three step duty" where he was never supposed to be more than three steps away from "J" at any time for any reason, because the boy was really good at disappearing, but when "R" got hurt, he was distracted as well.  It was not more than 5 seconds that our attention was diverted, but in that 5 seconds he totally disappeared in a huge wide open park!  My first thought, knowing "J", is that he has gone to the school buses parked about 150 yards away, but there is the extreme terror ringing in the back of my head that he is drowning in that damn duck pond!  So I tell my oldest son to go to the buses, "J" is on the bus, I tell him, but I have to check the duck pond!  So I ran to the pond and he was not there, thank goodness!  So I ran back to the buses where my oldest son tells me that "J" is not on the buses either!  He said none of the drivers saw him get on and they were all sitting in their seats the whole time.  But I KNEW he was on one of those damn buses, I just KNEW it.  So I went onto the first one and the driver tells me that he didn't see any little boy get on the bus, I said "I know, but he is here anyway."  And there he was.  He was sitting happily in one of the back seats just as quiet as could be, where he had been all along! 

That danged kid was more than a handful, hell he was more than six handsful!  But his disappearing acts were always amazing!  Usually as much for where he ended up as for how he got away.  One time we were all going to visit some friends in a new place.  I think "J" was about 4 and a half at the time, so "R" was around 3 and "T" (my oldest) would have been 9.  So we are all getting out of the car, I let "T" out first to watch "J" while I am helping "R" out of her car seat.  I turn my back to get her and almost immediately hear "J____!  NO!" as "T" is running after him up the sidewalk, right up the stairs, and right through front door of a complete strangers house!  The kid ran right in, headed straight for their couch and had a seat before we could even get to the steps!  By the time I made it to the door he was actually reaching for the remote control on their coffee table!  So here I am apologizing profusely to these unfortunate people who are in a complete state of shock at the current commotion occurring without warning in their home, trying to get my son off their couch and not let him make off with their remote which by now he has custody of and is not the least bit happy about relinquishing! 

Not to be outdone, my youngest son, "D", is the one I refer to as my "Hoarder in Training" because he really would be one if I let him.  He Loves to collect things.  The problem is he will collect EVERYTHING if I let him.  And I mean EVERYTHING!  Paper clips or stray artificial flower petals from the floor at the dollar store, yep he collects them.  The paint chip displays are absolutely irresistible to him, its almost as if they have some magnetic pull on him that just will not allow him to leave the area without acquiring at least one of those spectacularly fascinating color sample card of his very own.  Sticks, check.  Rocks, well of course, but that is a prerequisite in my house anyway.  Rubber bands, check.  Random pieces of scrap paper, double check.  I am serious, the kid will collect EVERYTHING if I let him.  And every single object in that collection is the most precious item in the entire history of all mankind don't you know.  At least, it is while he is collecting it.  A couple of months later when Mom is cleaning out his room again and takes 4 garbage bags worth of actual trash out of his room, he doesn't even notice what is missing. 

And how could he?  The damn kids have more toys than the law should allow.  You know, its funny, I used to say that about my older kids, and they didn't even have a third of what the two youngest ones have!  For being poor my kids have always had a shitload of toys!  And video games.  And movies.  And books, of course.  My kids have always been spoiled rotten, but they have also been taught to appreciate that fact.  They know how lucky they are, and a big part of the reason they have so many things is because they take care of them.  There are toys in my boys' room that were mine when I was a little girl, and they are still being played with.  They have toys that were bought for each of their siblings, some of them more than two decades old and still being played with.  Of course, then there is this :

That's the two of them standing behind their Christmas hauls a couple of years ago.  And that's about average of what they get every year.  Plus there are birthdays, and "just because" days, and "ohmygawd thatissofreakincool itsthemostawesomestthingever canIhaveitpleaseDad pleasepleaseplease?!" days, so it all adds up. They have so much crap it doesn't even fit in their room!  Their video games are all in my bedroom, and they have taken over half of the garage with boxes upon boxes of more crap they don't even remember they have.  You would think that since we barely have room to turn around in this house for all the stuff we already own that it might slow down the purchase of new stuff, but you would be wrong.  Hell, even the fact that they never play with 90% of the crap they have doesn't slow down the purchase of more crap that they won't play with! 

Well, I don't know about all of you, but I think that worked pretty well.  I am laughing at the shit I typed, so hopefully somebody else out there finds it as funny as I do! Like I said, I may not be a very funny person, but my life is freakin hysterical! 

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Some Blogs That Inspire Mother

I have been reading the blog of a new old friend the last few days whenever I have a few extra minutes.  I call her a "new old friend", because she has been hanging around at Mother's Facebook Page so long that she already felt like a friend before I introduced myself to her last week.  When she mentioned her blog as we were chatting on Facebook I made a point of boomarking it for future reference.

Now, to be honest, I don't usually read very many blogs.  I have tried to find ones that interest me to follow, but most of the ones I have found were a waste of time.  I still haven't figured out why any of you bother reading this one!  But there are a few that I have come across that I just Love to read!  They each inspire me in their own way, and often give me a fresh perspective on subjects I may not have thought much about, or a new way at looking at things that I had thought a lot about.  I owe my interest in blogging, and my motivation to start this blog to one woman before all others.  "The Bitchy Stitcher" is my mentor and my inspiration.  When I first found her blog, about a year and a half ago now, I actually sat down and spent two days just reading the entire thing, from her first post to her last.  At some point while I was reading, we started having trouble with our internet connection and my husband wanted me to shut down all of the "non-essential" tabs I had open in my browser.  I kept the tab with her blog open, and shut down all the rest.  I told him, I wasn't leaving until I finished reading every damn post she had, and nothing was going to change that.  She was the one that taught me that I was not the only "offensive quilter" out there and it was okay for me to be me..  And that I could have a blog where I could share my real thoughts and feelings, and that might just be okay too.
She actually writes several blogs, all of them equally worth reading in their own right, but this one is my favorite.  Her unique take on learning to quilt is both inspiring and hysterical in equal measures.

There is only one "political"  blog that I follow with any regularity, I haven't taken the time too search for any others, I have mentioned before I don't much care for politics in the first place.  I wouldn't talk about political issues at all if it weren't for all the attacks on our civil rights that have abounded over the past decade or so.  I can't keep quiet about that.  I was lucky to have found "Whiskey and the Morning After Blog" on Facebook.  I enjoy reading his take on the issues of the day, and while I may not always agree with him 100% of the time, I respect his point of view and I find his blog to be insightful and thought provoking, so I read it every chance I get.

And now, after a few days of reading, I have a new blog to follow.  The name of the blog is "Splendiferous Everything", and I must say. I think the name fits it quite well.  The author has lived a whole different kind of life than I have, she grew up and still lives in a world so foreign to me it might as well be on another planet.  Her writing style is easy to read and her reviews of various movies, plays, and other major happenings in the New York Metropolitan area really painted an inviting picture.  I have never been to New York City, and I have never experienced a major theatrical production, and I can only begin to imagine the pulse of human traffic she has lived with all of her life.  I find myself spending more and more time reading and I look forward to seeing what I will learn next.  I can hardly wait for her book to be published next year so that I can read that too!

And that's about the extent of it.  I have "The Klonopin Chronicles" on my reading list, but I haven't taken the time to read very much of it yet.  I Love her Facebook page, and have followed her from the beginning over there.  She is funny as all heck, and I am looking forward to reading her blog, I am just convinced it will become one of those obsessive things where once I start I can't stop until I have read every post, and I just have too much work to do right now, so I am saving her for a special day.  I have read some posts from "Single Dad Laughing", and I must say he has a great writing style and a wonderful take on life that usually has me laughing too, but I have never been so captivated that I found it hard to leave.  That to me is the key to a blog I can follow, they gotta leave me wanting to read more.  I hope someday I can learn to inspire and captivate others as easily as those who inspire and captivate me.  But until then, I thank you all for hanging with the crazy lady as she rambles her way through life on the web.