My "Bi-Polar" Ego

I probably should be working, but I don't want to.  I need to write today, for what ever reason, so I am writing.  I have no idea what the hell I am going to write about, but I need to write, so I just start writing.  That is how I end up with most of my blog posts anyway.  I just start writing, and keep writing until I come up with some thing that may or may not be worth talking about.

Right now I am just feeling a little defeated.  Not that I have actually attempted much of anything to be defeated at, but that isn't really relevant.  I have discovered that I have a bi-polar ego.  Its funny, I can talk myself into believing I can do just about anything that I want to do, right up until the moment when I have to actually do it, then there is no way in hell I could ever do anything remotely like that.  And I do this to myself ALL the freakin time!  I know it drives my husband nuts, hell it drives me nuts!  I am the most self-confident person you could ever meet, right up until the moment when I believe the most incompetent person who ever lived.

The worst part is I have never really failed at anything I have given a real effort to.  I am damn smart, and extremely fucking talented.  And I KNOW how smart and talented I am, but that doesn't even slow me down when I start beating myself up for how fucking stupid I must be for even thinking I could ever do something like that!  Whatever THAT may be.  I truly am my own best admirer and worst critic all rolled into one.  And, trust me on this one, it does not make life any easier.

There is this other thing I tend to do a lot too, along the same lines, I tend to negate the importance of what I do and inflate the importance of the things that don't get done. Like saying "I didn't do a damn thing today", when actually I have done over a hundred different things but none of them really count because I do them every day. I often wonder if this trait of self-depreciation (not sure if that is the right term here, but it seems to fit best)  is more common in women than in men.  I think a lot about weird shit like that, I have no idea why. I think, maybe, women are just more prone to admit to it.  I know I have seen my husband do it, never to the extremes that I do, (no sane person takes anything to the extremes that I do!), but I have seen him get frustrated with something and blame himself for the problem, whether it has anything to do with him or not.  But he certainly isn't anywhere near as vocal about it as I am.  When I get down on myself I verbalize my thoughts, too much for his comfort sometimes.  But he doesn't understand that in order for me to recognize how ridiculous I am being I have to hear myself saying it out loud.  No, I do not need him to tell me how ridiculous I am being, I can recognize it just fine, when I say it out loud.  That is what lets me move past it and keep going.  If I just kept all that shit bottled up inside my head I really would go insane! 

I would like to think the critic in me keeps me humble, but the truth is it just holds me back.  You see, there is this part of me who absolutely knows with out a shadow of a doubt that I could really make some incredible art with my quilting and tell some incredible stories with my words, but that critic bitch keeps getting in my damn way! I waste so much energy fighting against her that could be so much better spent in other ways.  Fortunately she is the one who I will keep fighting.  Until I figure out a way to "ban" her from my life like I do the asswipes on Facebook, I have to keep fighting her.  I know if I ever let her win I will go back to wishing for my own death everyday, and I really didn't enjoy that at all.  I have too many things to do to let her stop me now.  And thanks to all of you, apparently I have even more people depending on me staying alive now, so dying is still not an option.