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Monday, October 29, 2012

Mother has Quilts on the Brain

Hello Internet People!  I did start on that quilt making tutorial I was talking about yesterday, but it is proving to be more difficult than I had anticipated.  The writing up part is being difficult, not the quilt making part.  The quilt making part is easy.  Trying to decide just how much detail is really needed in the write-up, that part is not so easy.  So I took a break from it and did a write up on the differences between different types of sewing machines instead.   I used pictures of some of my own machines to illustrate various features and point out the differences.  

I still need to finish putting together the quilt kits that go with the tutorial.  I am thinking I have enough flannel fabric to make most of them complete quilt kits except for the batting.  In other words, the kit would contain all the pre-cut pieces for the quilt top, a solid piece of fabric for the back, and enough strips of fabric for the binding, along with the pattern and directions of course.  You could actually put the whole thing together without any batting inside, but it wouldn't technically be a quilt that way.  Or you could do like my Grandma always did and use a blanket from the thrift store (or your closet) in place of batting. 

Anyway, other than the quilt stuff I really didn't do much today.  Mostly because I have spent all day doing that. It did dry out outside today, but the wind was blowing like crazy, so still no pictures of the big quilt yet.  Maybe I will try to figure out a way to shoot it inside the studio after all.  I could do half of it at a time or something like that.  I need to go out and straighten up out there again anyway.  And since the photography wall was designed to double as a design wall I can use it to take better pictures for the quilt kits as I finish putting them together.

Well, now that I have a plan for my day tomorrow I am going to quit typing and go do something else for a while.  Talk at ya next time.  Namaste.                


Sunday, October 28, 2012

A Very Busy Sunday

Hello Internet People!  Sorry that Mother was MIA today, but she has been a busy little bee taking care of things that needed to be done.  This afternoon and evening I put together a whole bunch of quilt kits for making baby quilts from.  The plan is to put one of each type together as tutorials for the "Make It With Mother" Blog, and then offer the other kits for sale with the patterns.  Whether or not any of them will actually sell is a whole different story, but I think it is worth a try.  

At least I was semi-forward thinking this time.  I was laying out the different kits on top of my bed, since that is the only place large enough to work on.  I laid a few foam core boards down first, and then laid the blocks out on those.  Once I had them all arranged, I took pictures!  For the first time in my quilting career I actually made a plan that I can follow all the way through to the end.  I have patterns made up but they use different fabric so trying to remember which one went where is always a challenge.  Not this time.  I am so damn proud of myself.

And, I am so damn tired!  It has been a long month, and it has taken its toll.  I guess it is a good tired, since I have been actually getting things done, but I could sure use some more energy to go with all the new motivation.  I am working on that.  I am trying to force myself to eat more often.  I know I am not consuming enough non-empty calories.  I function on pure sugar and caffeine most of the time, but I need a lot more than that if I am going to continue for much longer.  So, I have been putting some real effort into making myself eat actual food, and hopefully I can pull myself back out of this downward spiral I have been on lately.

Now that the summer is over I need to start baking again, maybe that will give me something to eat.  Maybe I can take some pictures along the way and do write ups for the other Blog about how to bake stuff too.  That is probably a pretty good idea.  Eventually I want to cover a wide variety of different types of subjects over there, and I think baking is a good one to add to the mix.  

For now I think I am going to quit typing and get ready for bed.  Tomorrow is another day, and now that I have a whole host of new projects to work on for the next few days I am looking forward to getting to work on them.  I will ramble at you all next time.  Until then, Namaste.  

Oh - and by the way, if you are reading this and you are a citizen of the United States - Please - GO VOTE!  Your country needs YOU!

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Rainy Day Update ...

Hello again.  I worked on another tutorial for the "Make It With Mother" Blog today.  I mentioned the other day in a post here that I needed to make some new potholders, which I did.  Then I figured somebody out there might want to see how I did it,  so I made another one today and took pictures of all the steps. Now there is a new Blog post for everyone to enjoy.

I didn't get to take pictures of the newest quilt yet.  It won't fit the wall in my "Photography Studio", so I will have to hang it up outside to get good pictures of the whole thing.  And, of course, it has been pouring down rain all day.  So, no pictures of that until the weather clears.     
Now I just have to figure out what is next on my project list.  I still have a bunch of quilts to quilt, but after that last big one, I am not ready for that yet.  I have a thousand things I should be doing, or could be doing, but figuring what I can do is always a challenge.  I know my husband has work he wants me to do, but he hasn't been able to explain to me just what the hell it is I am supposed to be doing, so I am just going to keep finding other things to do until he does.

I think I might start playing with some of the new design ideas I had for the screen printing system.  That ought to provide a few ideas for tutorials for the other Blog too.  Some of the ideas I have been playing with might transfer over pretty well to other applications besides screen printing, so they may have a broader appeal.  There I go, talking in cryptic circles again.  Sorry, I am still putting it all together in my head, when I get something concrete figured out I promise you will be the first to know.

In the meantime I better go do something besides sitting here rambling aimlessly for no apparent reason.  Here, I will give you all a picture to make up for making you sit through my rambling.  That sounds like a fair trade to me. 



Friday, October 26, 2012

More on Facebook, Blogging and Me ...

Hello Internet People!  Well, I finally finished that queen sized quilt I have been quilting on all week.  I really do not like quilting the big quilts!  They are not fun, they are freakin painful!  But it is done, and I only have one more that is that big, and I think it is going to wait for a while.  I will try to post pictures for you all this weekend.

You may have noticed I started posting on Facebook again today a little bit.  I finally figured out how to beat them at their own game.  I may be slow on the uptake sometimes, but I do come around eventually.  One of my biggest issues with Facebook was the fact that they were using MY pictures to post THEIR advertising on, and then asking me to PAY them for them to do so.  To me this is not just fucking ridiculous it is downright offensive!  So you will notice now that whenever I post a new picture on Facebook I will be filling up the comments section with MY own damn advertising and Facebook can kiss my lily white little ass!  I hope this doesn't irritate you all too much, but if it does you can bitch at Facebook about it NOT me. 

I think Facebook is about to crash and burn anyway, but I am going to do my best to take advantage of it before it does.  It was stupid enough when they were just asking Pages to pay to let people see what they post - but did you all notice they are doing it on your personal accounts now?  Yep, you too can pay money if you want your friends to actually SEE what you post!  Facebook is free and it always will be my ass!  I think this one is going to be like signing their own death warrant.    

I started yet another Blog last night, but I haven't posted to it yet.  I am going to dedicate it to my social-economic-environmetal justice rhetoric, so of course I named it after my other Facebook Page - "Mother Has Issues".  I will write an intro post for it later tonight or this weekend and let you all know when it is up and running.  

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, I fixed the comment feature (I hope) on all of my Blogs for you.  It should now be much easier to comment - no more captchas thingies (what the hell are they actually called?) - no more hassles.  They still won't show up until I moderate them, but it shouldn't give you so much grief to try to leave them now.  Of course if I start getting lots of spam or hate mail crap I will change it back, but for now it should be a lot more user friendly for you.

I am still working on the whole idea of going public with my identity.  This is a big step for me and I am fucking terrified!  I don't really know why either, that's what is so fucked about the whole thing.  I really am a good and decent person.  I have no criminal record.  No heinous history to hide from, at least not one that is based in reality.  There are some people out there who have spent a lot of time and effort creating imaginary histories for me, but they are not remotely based in reality so I am not sure why that should bother me.  Except it does.  A LOT!  I do not care if the whole fucking world know pretty much any detail they want about my life, as long as they are true!  There is nothing I despise more in this world than being lied about, and for some reason I seem to attract people who want to lie about me.  Or people who make unfounded assumptions about me and then act as if they are facts.  I just cannot stand that!

So I have spent my entire adult life hiding.  Not because of who I am, but because of who other people want to believe me to be.  I really am tired of it.  I deserve better.  Damn it, I demand better!  Not that anyone gives a crap what I demand, but it sure sounded good!


Thursday, October 25, 2012

It Has Been A Damn Good Day

My goodness internet people, Mother certainly had a day today!  The two new Blogs are up and running with actual posts and everything!  And I even managed to finish all of this week's laundry, my "work", and my other "chores" too!  I cannot remember the last time I had a more productive day.  Nor do I remember feeling so damn good!  I just feel so ... accomplished.

In case you missed it, the newest addition to Mother's Blog Roll is "Make It With Mother", and I posted a cute little craft project today to get it started.  That was a lot of fun to put together and I am very much looking forward to doing a lot more of those.  I have a lot of simple project ideas, and some not so simple ideas, to share in the coming weeks.

I have mentioned before that I have a very diverse interest base to pull from in writing these blog posts.  I know after 11 months of mostly mindless drivel here on this Blog, it might be kind of hard to believe by now, but I told you from the beginning that this Blog was about finding my voice and gathering my strength, and I think I am finally getting there.  I am still trying to figure out a lot of things, including just what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life, but I know that writing will always be a part of who I am so I might as well get on with it.  

I do realize that it will take time to build these Blogs and develop followings for each of them.  I am not expecting a huge response initially, but I think they can help me to build a solid foundation for a future in both my writing and my art.  And, even if they don't, I am having fun and that is what really matters in the end.  I think they will be a lot more fun if other people join in, but either way, its all good.


The Blogging Will Continue

Hello Internet People!  Mother is having trouble getting out of her own head this morning so I thought I would came here and see if I can at least get some mileage out of it.  I mentioned last night that I want to set up a new series of Blogs to better focus my mental energies into things that I can believe in.  There is just so much stuff trapped inside my head that needs somewhere to go.  I could just keep it all together here, but that doesn't serve me, or you, very well in the long run.

So I started the Geological Blog last night, and I have a crafting blog already, but I haven't decided if I want to use it, or come up with a better one.  I have never posted anything to it, so if I start over I am not losing anything.  Trying to decide which interests deserve their own blog is proving to be a bit of challenge in and of itself.  And then coming up with catchy titles that aren't too far out there has also proven to be more difficult than I anticipated.  I tend to spend most of my time being as far "out there" as possible, reining it in can be a challenge. 

So, now we have, one for rocks, one for crafts, and one for craziness, now what else do I want to do?  I would like to do one focusing on socal and economic justice issues.  That is something that I am very passionate about, and while I may not write persuasive arguments in support of my views, I can write some pretty darn entertaining ones.

I am sure I will come up with another one or two ideas before I am finished with this round.  And if I manage to launch and maintain these for any length of time I might expand even further someday. But for now I will take it one step, and one Blog at a time.


I am NOT Trying to be Difficult ...

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

My New Adventures in Blogging

In case any of you missed it, Mother has started a NEW Blog!  "Mother Loves Rocks" will be a tribute to my Love of Rocks and all things Geological.  I am thinking to set up a series of new Blogs on different topics of interest to me, separating out the different aspects of my personality and my interests may not only help me decide the course of my future, but it also might just help all of you by not making you put up with all this rambling crap if you only wanted to be here for something else.

I am still working on how I am going to set each of them up, and just how many I think I can handle posting to on a semi regular basis.  I think if I designate a theme to each Blog, like Geology, or Crafting, then I will have a little more incentive to keep on topic instead of just rambling aimlessly like I do here.  I think I am going to keep the rambling here.  Move the good stuff to the new Blogs to maybe entice more of you to head over to them as well.  

Wish me luck on this little adventure.  I am pretty sure I am going to need it.  And please bear with me during this time while I try to get everything set up on the new Blogs, this is not as easy as it should be,  and I am not as computer literate as I should be.  I am getting there, but these things do take time.  And a LOT of trial and error on my part.  Mostly error.  That is how I seem to learn best.                            

Do Not Meddle ...

Tell Me What You Need ...

I don't know if anyone will scroll down far enough to see that I have written something with this one, but we will give it a try.  This picture is kinda like the story of my life.  Well, one of the stories anyway.  I have become the queen of substitutions and making due with what you have.  Had to be.  And today is no different.  

Today we are making due without running water.  Yeah, what fun.  Fortunately I spent three years living in the middle of nowhere with no running water (or electricity, or phone, or much of anything else), so this is a cake walk.  Not only did they tell us exactly when we would have no water, they even gave us two days notice ahead of time, and a they gave us a reasonable time frame for when we will be getting it back.  The kids are a little flustered by it, but they are amazed at how little of an inconvenience it really has been.  Mother was prepared.

It really is amazing just how creative one can become when you have no other choice.  I have baked cookies and casseroles in a propane bar-b-Que.  I have recycled clothing to repair furniture.  And while I have never had to make tomato soup from ketchup packets, I have been forced at times to become pretty creative in finding something to feed my family for dinner.  Some of those "Mother creations" have turned out to be pretty damn good.  Others, not so much.  Had a couple even the dog wouldn't eat, but at least I tried. 

The one thing I have learned in all my years of making due though is this:  It is a lot easier to "make due" when it is a matter of choice, than when it is a matter of survival.  And sometimes, convincing yourself that it is a "choice", can make all the difference in the world.  It really all boils down to attitude.  Most things in life really do.  No matter how bad things may be, a good attitude will go a lot further in getting you out the other side than a bad attitude will.  A bad attitude will never get you anything but misery.  Some people seem to enjoy that.  I don't.


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

A Short Political Rant

I am going to go off on a rant tonight.  Probably shouldn't, but I have never let that slow me down before, why start now?  I just cannot understand how any human being in their right mind can vote for someone like Mitt Romney.  To me, this guy is the lowest form of pond scum and the concept of him having control over this country is downright terrifying.  Are people really that blind?  Or are they just that fucking stupid?  Its one thing for the rich bastards like him to vote for him, they will all be sitting pretty in his "new world".  The rest of us will be penniless slaves forced to work ourselves to death for the crumbs they throw down upon us.  Yeah, I am exaggerating a little bit, sure I am, you just keep on thinking that.  After all, I am the crazy one, right? 

This jackwipe wants to take us back to the days when carpet baggers like him run free to rape and pillage the land with no concern for anyone or anything else except how much money they can make.  He wants to eradicate the last 100 years of efforts towards equality and return us to a world where only rich white (straight) men are allowed to think, vote, or just plain matter.  Not that it will matter since the whole place will be a desolate waste land after four years of the exploitation and greed of a Romney administration.  

As for his "great business sense", spare me.  Great, he made lots of money screwing over American workers and American companies.  Buying other people's hard work and dreams, and then gutting them for all they are worth before sinking them so deeply in debt that he could claim bankruptcy on the rubble.  Screwing over all the "little people" along the way.  It is classic rich capitalist greed and corruption at its finest that is for damn sure.  But it sure as hell isn't how we should be running this damn country!

Now I have said before, I have my differences with President Obama.  He made some promises in his first campaign that I feel he seriously reneged on, and I am not happy about that.  But, I do not blame him for all the things he had no control over.  Like a fucking congress full of jack wipes more concerned with keeping Obama from having a second term than they were with people of this country.  Obama did NOT get us into the fucking mess we are in - BUSH JR. did that!  And President Bush had a lot of fucking help getting us into this mess, from people like Mitt Romney!

And now for some unfathomable reason there are people who actually think they will somehow magically be better off this time than they were the last time if they hand this country over to yet another greedy, misogynistic, self-entitled, war monger.  I do not understand.  I will not even try. 


Some Silly Silly Pictures

Monday, October 22, 2012

Monday, Again ...

Don't feel much like writing at the moment, but I need to put in my time today, so I am here again.  There are a whole lot of things I probably should clear up from yesterday's posts, but I will have to get there later, I am not up to it tonight.  I spent the better part of the day working on that quilt I started quilting on Friday.  It is a queen sized quilt, so it is a fucking pain the the neck to quilt.  Literally.   My neck and shoulders are burning they hurt so bad.  I am only about halfway done with this one and I still have another one that size left to do.   It is going to be a long week.

Its been a week since I decided to quit posting on Facebook and wasting all my free time there, and I have to say, I do feel better.  I have been getting a lot more work done and I haven't had to deal with the emotional roller coaster rides that were becoming so overwhelming.  I am quite proud of myself for being able to keep my account open and not let myself get sucked in.  I did spend about an hour on there yesterday morning looking at quilting and gardening pictures, but when I as done, I was done, and it didn't bother me at all. 

I even managed to do some baking and cook diner a couple of times voluntarily.  And in doing do so I learned something.  I need some new fucking pot holders!  Mine are disgusting!  I have a bunch of fancy, decorative ones I made a couple years ago, but we never use those.  No, we have two terry cloth ones from the dollar store that we have used the crap out of and they are stained and well, just gross.  So I am going to go cut up some old towels and make some new ones as soon as I get done putting in my time here.  I have a bunch of pieces of quilt bindings left over to sew around the edges so they shouldn't take more than a few minutes to make.  Why I have put off doing it so long will remain forever a mystery, but at least I am going to get it done now.  Maybe.  If I don't put it off again. 


Silly Rabbits ...

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Inside My Brain

I am sorry Internet people.  I really am kinda losing it today.  My brain is battling itself like a bad Kung Fu movie and I am afraid you all are being thrown into the melee.  I have got no body else to talk to, so I am talking to you.  As always you can choose to ignore me and go one about your lives and it will not change a thing for either of us one way or the other.  I, however, do not have that option.  I am stuck here.  Inside my brain.  There is no escape for me.

 I suppose I really shouldn't post all this inner turmoil out in public for the whole damn world to see.  It will come back to bite me in the ass someday, I am sure of that.  Everything I do usually does.  And this is where the, "Aw, fuck it" attitude towards life tends to present its limitations.

As much as I may claim to like myself, and there are moments when I do, there is so much I would change about myself if I could.  Most of it is probably stuff that I actually could change if I was willing to put forth the effort, but I don't.  Once again the worst part isn't that I am afraid I will fail if I try.  No, I am terrified that I will succeed, and that it won't make a damn bit of difference.

For example, I have terrible eating habits.  I do not like to eat, I don't enjoy food, so I don't eat very much and what I do eat is usually crap.  I would very much like to learn to eat healthy and to take better care of my physical self.  But, (here's where the crazy comes in) if I do that, and I put forth all the time, effort, and energy to learn to eat right and exercise, and then I just get cancer or something.  I have now wasted all of that effort and time that I cannot get back.  Never mind that being healthy might give me a better chance at fighting off the cancer, I don't have medical coverage, I will be dead before I know I have it anyway.  

Do you see how it can be a struggle to do anything when my brain does this kind of shit to me all the time? It is a constant battle against infighting, sabotage, guerrilla warfare, and just fucking insane tangents that serve no useful purpose whatsofuckingever! I cannot even get a fucking grip because I have nothing to hold on to!  And the energy drain is just overwhelming for someone who doesn't take in enough calories to fuel basic functioning. 

I know, I was the one who decided that being crazy was better than being depressed.  And it really is, most of the time.  I just wish I could learn to allow myself to be neither.  At least once in a while.  The problem is I have no idea what "normal" is anymore.  I thought I did once, but I was so fucking wrong.  And what the rest of the world seems to be saying is "normal" just seems so fucking sick and twisted to me, and I am left more confused than ever.  

I have no clue what I am doing, or why I am doing it.  Every time I think I am doing something to "improve" my life it turns out to just be another way to destroy what little good I already had.  I don't know what the fuck I want.  And I guess, that really is the fucking problem now isn't it.  I don't know what I want.  Because I have been programed not to want anything, just to accept whatever I get and be grateful for it.  Beggar's can't be choosers.  My fucking gawd it comes back to that again doesn't it?  Fuck me.  I gotta go think on this one alone for a little while.  I may or may not be back later today (my team is playing tonight - Go Steelers!), but never fear, I shall return to ramble at you again soon.  Just need to process this little revelation first. 


Just Wrong.

There are so may things wrong.  Now that is an understatement.  And there are so damn many wrong things.  My gawd the whole fucking world just needs a reset button!  The problem is, the people who pull all the strings on this planet would never let me set things right even if I could.  And that is really fucking sad.

I just don't get it.  I will never understand people.  I don't even want to fucking understand most of them.  They just make me sick.  I remember sitting in a classroom in my Sophomore year of high school learning about the various systems of government around the world and throughout history.  I could not wrap my head around why everyone had always told me how evil Socialism and Communism were while Capitalism was the supreme goodness.  Once I learned what each of those words really meant, I was more confused than I had ever been in my fucking life.  All of the arguments I have ever heard against any form of government can usually be traced back to greed and corruption by individuals rather than the form of government itself anyway, but what the hell do I know, I am the crazy one.   

I just know that, crazy or not, it is fucking WRONG for people to not only be allowed to get obscenely wealthy on the backs of other people, but for it to be fucking glorified like it is some noble accomplishment.  Mitt Romney should not be allowed to be running for President of the United States of America.  The man should be in prison along with Donald Trump, the Walton Family, and all the other fucking rich ass self-absorbed bastards who have devastated this country with their greed and blatant heartless disregard for the people and the environment they have laid to waste.  Maybe what they have done in their business dealings have been "legal", but it fucking shouldn't have been.  They have raped and pillaged every corner of this once great nation and turned us all into fearful obedient minions willing to do anything for some chance at a scrap that might fall from their tables.  Fuck that shit.  I am sick of it.

Yes, I know.  No one gives a crap what I think anyway.  I am just some crazy housewife with an internet connection.  Who the fuck cares what I thinks.  Doesn't matter if I am right, I am still crazy because the vast majority of Americans still seem to want to be just like those heartless bastards.  Which is exactly what is wrong with this world.  Among other things.    

Self Destruction Is Kinda My Thing ...

It never ceases to amaze me how, after months of me telling you people that I am crazy, some of you still expect me to be capable of making sound, rational decisions regarding my own life.  Bwahahaha, that's fucking funny right there.  I suppose it is possible that I am capable of it, but I have yet to see it happen in the 45 years I have known me, so I am not really sure you should be hanging your hopes on it now.  

Seriously now, I have made it my life's mission to destroy any potential opportunity I have ever had, why the heck would you think I could stop doing that now?  I sure wish I could find  a way to do that, but I am just not seeing it yet.  I am looking for the reset switch in my brain, but I cannot seem to locate it.

You all thought I was kidding about that having a "Bi-Polar Ego" thing.  I wasn't.  That is so totally me it is not even a little bit funny.  Okay, it is hysterical, but it is still me.  I do have either extreme confidence in my abilities, or absolutely zero confidence, sometimes both at the same time.  Actually, maybe it is just that I have no confidence in anyone else's ability to see my value or value my abilities.  I am absolutely convinced that everyone on the planet thinks I am a failure and a fraud, even if they have never heard of me.  I KNOW that is not realistic, its not even in the ball park of rational thinking, but I still cannot help but feel that way, ALL the damn time!   

Its funny some days I can be the most rational crazy person you could ever hope to meet, I can fucking rationalize pretty much anything.  None of it make a damn bit of sense, but that doesn't even slow me down.  The only thing that has slightly impeded the free flowing nature of my insanity is this blog.  I am trying very hard to find a way to express a lifetime of repressed conflicts and internal struggles without sounding like a raving lunatic all of the time.  Not sure I have even come close on that one, but I will keep trying.      

Self-Destruction Sunday, Post #1

Hello Internet people!  Mother is not feeling well today so she is going to spend the day writing random crap for all of you until she feels better.  No, I am not sick, there are no physical ailments  currently plaguing me, well not beyond the usual ones anyone.  I just feel Blah.  Not really depressed, although I can see the edge of that precipice quite clearly right there next to me and I am hoping that working through my thoughts here will help prevent me from falling in.

I feel as though I have been trying to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders again, and I am just feeling suffocated under the load.  Please note that I do this shit to myself.  I let myself get worked up over shit that I have no control over, most of which really has no direct connection to my life at all.  This is part of why I had to get away from Facebook.  Beyond their company policies and just plain stupidity, just being exposed to the rest of the world on that level every day is more than I can stomach.

I think I have mentioned before that it is much easier to Love everyone when you have NO contact with anyone.  The more I have to deal with people, the less I like them.  And especially when I have to listen to the heartless, greedy, self-serving bastards trying to destroy everything that is good and decent in the world all for the sake of making another buck.  They just make my blood boil and all I can see is red.  I like to consider myself one of the least judgmental, most accepting, most NON-violent people you could ever happen to meet and I just really would like to kill some of these people.  And that scares me.  I don't want to be that way.  But the only way I can find to not feel that way is to have no contact whatsoever with those kinds of people.   

I have mentioned that I am crazy.  I know I have told you that.  I cannot live in the same reality that the rest of the world seems to be in.  Someone will die.  And it would probably be me because as much as I might really want to remove those mother fuckers from the face of this earth, I have yet to show any potential to follow through on much of anything.  So I have built a little fantasy world where I can live quite safely and contentedly, and I am staying here at least until this stupid election is over.

Not that I think anything is going to get any better after the election.  I have pretty much given up hope of things ever really getting better.  As long as there are people who choose to believe that money is more valuable than anything else, there is no chance of fixing all that is wrong.  We have all the resources and the knowledge necessary for this world to be a true paradise for EVERYONE, but because a few greedy bastards decided that they are more valuable than everyone else, billions of people do without the basic necessities of life just so that a few can hoard away a million times more than they could ever possible use.  I find it beyond sickening and offensive and having it forever shoved in my face as a "better way" to do things literally sucks the will to live right out of me.

You see that has always been my issue.  It is not so much that I have ever really wanted to die, I just don't want to live.  Not sure I ever really have.  Even when I was a little girl I remember being extremely upset with my parents because I never wanted to be born in the first place.  I do not like this life, never wanted it, but for some reason  I am supposed to just keep dealing with it until someone or something else decides I don't have to anymore.  Totally not fair.  

Yes, yes, there are loads and loads of wonderful people and things and whatnot in the world.  I get that.  I have even experienced a lot of joyous moments, which did, while they were happening, make life worth living. It is those long drawn out expanses of time in between those moments that I have trouble with.  And the worst of it is, it all boils down to money in the end.  My aversion to the concept of being wealthy has trapped me in an unending cycle of poverty that I cannot escape from because I have no real confidence in my own abilities.

And this is why I am crazy.  I know I an extremely intelligent person.  I am incredibly gifted with a multitude of talents and skills and abilities that a lot of people only dream of being able to attain.  I know there is very little in this world that I cannot do successfully if given half a chance, but not only does the rest of the world refuse to give me a chance, I refuse it to myself.  I have sabotaged every opportunity that I have ever been given and I still can't figure out how to stop doing that!  My gawd it is exhausting and exasperating and just plain fucking nuts. And the harder I try to fight against doing it, the more I end up screwing things up.  That is why not trying at all anymore seems so damn appealing sometimes.


I am Like an Old Rubber Band ...

Friday, October 19, 2012

Random Friday Thoughts

Hello!  Me again!  Nope, didn't sell the quilts yet, but that's okay, I didn't really expect to.  As I said before, I know everyone is counting their pennies these days, I just have to keep putting stuff out there on the off chance someone happens along who can afford to buy something.  Not trying to force it on anyone, except to let you know its there.

Anyway, I spent the better part of the day cleaning up all my dyeing paraphernalia and accoutrements.  That was fun.  Not.  But it is all done now and as soon as it dries I can go put it all away for the winter.  I thought about mixing up some dye stock to have available to me through the winter if I wanted it, but I am out of certain critical colors, and i don't have the money to buy more right now, so I am putting it all on hold until later.

That's the one thing about my obsessive compulsive nature when it comes to my hobbies, even when I have no money to spend, I always have plenty of supplies for something else when I run out of them for one thing.  So As I put the dye stuffs away I will be bringing back out something else, not sure what yet, still need to get the rest of those quilts that no one is going to buy finished before I go getting to wrapped up in anything else.  But I need to vacuum the living room before I start on the next quilt, so I am stalling, because I don't want to vacuum.  Its a pain, and its painful so I don't do it as much as I should, but it needs to be done, and no one else is going to do it for me unless I ask them, so I better go do it.     

Did I ever mention I hate asking other people to do things for me?  I do.  Just hate it.  Especially my husband.  Now he will do pretty much anything I ask him to do, usually with a minimal amount of bitching, as long as it isn't too ridiculous, but I still hate asking him!  It makes me feel bad to ask anyone for anything.  And if I think there is the slightest chance that they will say no, then I will do anything and everything humanly possible to never ask.  I have no problem whatsoever with helping anyone and everyone else, I just don't want to ask for help for myself, ever.


I'm Sorry, But I'll Have To ...

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Any Body Want A Quilt?

Hello Internet People!  Mother has had another very productive day and she is very pleased with herself.  Very tired, but very pleased.  I have three brand new quilts all finished and ready to find new homes.  I was thinking today that I should give you all first crack at them.  Now, I know most of you are as money-strapped as I am so I am really not expecting much to come of this, but I wanted to make the offer anyway, just in case.  I really wish I could just win the damn lottery so that I wouldn't have to worry about money anymore and I could just give these away, but until that happens I have to keep trying to make some money any way I can.

 On the off chance that anybody does want one you can either comment here (I won't publish it of course) or email me at and let me know your email address and which one you want, and I can send you a PayPal invoice for it.  They will each fit within the large Priority Mail Box, so the shipping will be an additional $14.95 each.  When I list them on Etsy the prices will go up a little bit to cover their fees, but if you contact me directly I will give you the prices listed below.

So, This is "Cobblestone Jungle" - $140.  It is 67" wide by 86" long, a good size for a twin size bed or just a nice cozy lap quilt.  The top is made with beautiful batik fabrics, the back is a single piece of navy blue 100% cotton fabric, the batting is 100% polyester, and it is quilted with cotton thread.  This quilt is an original design based off of a classic Cobblestone block pattern and quilted all-over in a meandering pattern.    

"Cobblestone Jungle"

"Cobblestone Jungle" - back
"Cobblestone Jungle" - detail

This is "Serendipity Fields" - $240.  It is one of a series of original contemporary quilts which I designed using batik fabrics in combination with fabric which I hand dyed myself.  The back of this quilt is a bright yellow 100% cotton fabric, pieced in three sections. The batting and the thread used in this quilt are also 100% cotton.  This quilt is 75" x 88", about the size for a Full-sized bed or a very cozy lap quilt and it is quilted with an all-over meander design. 

"Serendipity Fields"

"Serendipity Fields" - detail

"Serendipity Fields" - back


This is "Harvest Serendipity" - $140.  It is another one of the series of original contemporary quilts which I designed using batik fabrics in combination with fabric which I hand dyed myself.  The back of this quilt is a combination of two green 100% cotton fabric, pieced in three sections. The batting is an 80/20 cotton/polyester blend and the thread used in this quilt is 100% cotton.  This quilt is 54" x 75", about the size for a very cozy lap quilt and it is quilted with an all-over meander design.

"Harvest Serendipity"

"Harvest Serendipity" - detail

"Harvest Serendipity" - detail

"Harvest Serendipity" - back
Well, at least now I have a good start on the write-ups for when I list them on Etsy if no one out there reading this is interested or able to buy them.  I really would like them to go to someone who can appreciate the Love that I have stitched into each one.  I made them thinking of all of you out there who have followed this crazy lady in her journey out of the shadows.  I had to at least give you the first chance.                    

Everything is Always Okay in the End ...

Everybody Is Somebody Else's Weirdo

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Fine, You Win, Sort Of ...

OH alright then!  I have decided to listen to the voices of reason and I will not be shutting down Mother's Facebook Page entirely after all.  I am still not going to post over there, but I will share what I post Here to There so you can find it if you want to, or ignore it, whatever.  I will stop by there once in a while to delete stupid comments and ban stupid people, but I am not going beyond that. 

The past two days without Facebook have been fantastic!  I have finished the bindings on two quilts and I am half way through a third, and that was just today.  My house is getting cleaner, my work is getting doner, (yes, I know it is not a real word, but I am using it anyway) and I really do feel better.  

I decided not to close my personal account though.  I have a couple of friends on there that I know I will lose contact with completely if not for Facebook, and they are too important to me.  I did "unfriend" most of my Family, and my husband's family, including my Mother.  It was difficult, but I finally managed to do it.  I still feel kinda bad about it, but I am pretty sure I will get over it. Eventually.

In the meantime, I am doing pretty good so far at staying away.  I have logged on for a few minutes a few times to answer messages from friends and check the Pages for stupid. But I haven't allowed myself to get sucked in.  Yet.  Must stay vigilant.  Obsessive behaviors are difficult to overcome, but I know I can do it.  I have done it before.  It is just a matter of changing focus and moving on to doing something else.  Which is why I have gotten so much work done.  And I think getting so much work done is why I am so tired.  So I am going to give up on writing anything ground breaking for the evening and go reassure a couple of wonderful women that they have succeeded in talking me out of closing the pages that brought them into my life.  I still hate Facebook, but Mother Loves all of you.


People Think its Fun ...

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Why I Am Cutting the Facebook Cord

I am sitting here trying to ignore the Presidential Debate that my husband is watching.  I just can't sit through anymore of that Mr. Romney and his kind of people.  The lies are bad enough, but I expect that from politicians.  They all lie.  It is the whole attitude of the man and people like him that I just cannot take any more.  The greedy, selfish, self-serving, hypocrisy is physically sickening to me.  Why do people find it such an offensive idea that ALL people deserve to have food to eat, a roof over their heads, a decent education, and proper fucking medical care, NO MATTER HOW MUCH MONEY THEY MAKE!?!  

I do not fucking understand people at all.  And I have given up giving a shit.  All these people that infuriate me with their hate ad greed and stupidity, they really do not matter a fucking hill of beans in my world, so why they fuck should I give a crap what they think or what they say?  I shouldn't.  And I don't.  I started the Facebook page as a way of protecting the feelings of people who never gave a crap about my feelings, ever.  And then I let it get hijacked by the feelings of the people who "liked" the page, even though I never asked any of them to "like" it, and, again, most of them never really gave a crap about my feelings either.

That was fine.  I didn't mind using the page to entertain people, even though I was really getting absolutely nothing from it in return other than an upset stomach every fucking time some moron had to tell me how offensive they found me.  But it has all gotten to be too fucking much and I just don't want to play anymore.  Here, on the Blog, you have to go through a whole bunch of effort to post a comment, and even then, no one will ever see it unless I decide to let them.  There is little point in anyone complaining or calling me names here, no one will ever see it, and I won't even read past the first few words if your are being mean, so here, I am safer.

And here at least, I get a little bit of return on investment.  I have spent hundreds of hours on Facebook in the last years and a half, and as I mentioned I have not gotten shit from it.  This blog has actually provided a much better return on investment.  I have probably put a total of a couple hundred hours altogether into this blog in the past 11 months, give or take a few.  As a result of that time I have sold three t-shirts, gotten a couple of small donations from readers (Thank you again, and again, and again for that!), and someday I may even start getting actual checks from the Ads Sense stuff as well.  But far more importantly, I have made a couple of friends from the blog.  Okay, maybe I made a couple of friends on Facebook too, and I really do appreciate those few people who have reached out to me through both places in friendship.  I cherish each and every one of you.

I guess, if I am going to be completely honest with all of you, which is what I have always tried to do, the decision to leave Facebook has far more to do with my personal life than it has to do with any of the Pages I run.  Yes, all the changes Facebook has made are a big part of it.  I am tired of bitching about it and still putting up with it.  I am tired of being walked all over by giant corporations and rich greedy little pricks just because it is easier to go along with being treated like crap than to just walk away.  Not doing it anymore.  I don't shop at Walmart anymore, I try to mke sure that as many of the products I buy are made in the USA as possible, and when not possible, I try to make sure I at least buy from retailers whose policies aren't repulsive to me.  I am trying to take a stand in my own life, not just in words, but in actions.

Of course there is the issue of Facebook being a major fucking time suck.  Seriously, I would get up every morning, click on the Facebook tab (I never closed it) and lose two or three hours before I even got dressed!  And then I would lose half an hour here and an hour there, all day long!  It was worse than a fucking drug addiction!  I really do not need that in my life.  Although I am going back to playing on Pinterest, so I am not sure how much I am gaining there.  But I could never spend more than a few minutes at a time on there before it gets monotonous and I go on to doing other things.  Facebook just sucked me in ALL the time and it was like pulling teeth to pry me out.  That is not healthy, and it certainly isn't productive, and I am done.  

But I really have an extremely personal reason for needing to leave Facebook.  And I am sure it is "immature" and "childish" of me, but I just can't take logging over to my personal account and seeing my family members reminding me of all the pain and misery.  I thought about "unfriending" them, but I can not bring myself to "unfriend" my Mother.  No matter how much she has hurt me, I know she didn't mean to.  She did the best she could with what she had to work with and I know that.  I don't hate her.  I just don't want to be reminded of her.  But I can't "unfriend" her, I just can't make myself do that.  It is much easier just to walk away entirely and never look back, and I am going to take the easy way out this time because I have had a lifetime of the "high road" and the altitude sickness is more than I can take anymore.  

So for all of these reasons, and probably a dozen or so more, I am cutting the Facebook cord and moving forward with my life.  As I said, I will be posting more of the silly pictures and stuff here for you all to share to Facebook if you want, but I just need to stay here (and Pinterest!) for my own mental health and emotional well-being, as well as for my personal socioeconomic integrity.  I am so glad there are at least a few of you who have decided to follow me over here, and I hope that you will feel free to share the blog with anyone you think might enjoy it.  Mother is Pleased to have you here, I hope you enjoy your stay.              

I Am What I Am ,,,

Monday, October 15, 2012

Good-Bye Facebook

I know there are gonna be a few people who aren't going to be very Pleased with me, but I am going to close my Facebook account and delete Mother's Pages there.  I just don't want to do it anymore.  The joy is gone, and it is time for me to go with it.  I am going to keep this Blog going, and I will start posting the silly pictures and shit over here, so you can choose to come here to see them, or not.  

I have been thinking about this for a long time, and since Facebook has just gotten worse and worse about not letting people see what I post anyway, the time has come to shut it down and move on with my life.  I still find myself wasting way too much time on Facebook anyway, trying to hunt down my favorite pages everyday since Facebook won't show them in my Newsfeed is beyond frustrating and I just have better things to do with my time deal than this nonsense.

I have enjoyed running the pages, for the most part, but its gotten old having to deal with whiny ass cry babies and just plain morons.  The morons can have Facebook, they deserve each other, I am done.  

I will keep the pages up for a couple of weeks to run notices for anyone who wants to come here and follow the Blog, and I will keep the email address I made for Mother if anyone wants to talk to me for any reason, but the end is coming.  For over a year now I have given from my heart to try to bring a little bit more love and silliness into the world and I have been met with constant criticisms and complaints in return.  Yes there have been a lot of wonderful people who have voiced their support and expressed their appreciation of my efforts, and I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you, and I hope that many of you will choose to join me here.  If not, I completely understand.  I thank you for your support and wish you much Love and happiness to fill your future.  But if you do choose to join me here I will try to make this worth your effort, at least once in a while.

Either way, Namaste.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

My Week, and My Dog, Jack "The Ripper"

Well it has certainly been a week here at Mother's house.  A very long, and yet so very short week, as usual.  I did manage to get quite a few things done and a few more started so I am calling it a successful week, whatever the hell that means.  I didn't do a whole lot today, but I did enough.  My camera ate a whole bunch of pictures again.  My husband keeps telling me that is not possible - they cannot just disappear - but they fucking did!  Twice!  I don't know how or why, but they are fucking gone and there is no getting them back!  I changed the memory card in my camera, hoping that that will solve the problem, but only time will tell.  So, for the fifth time now I get to re-take the same damn pictures of the same fucking shirts that I have already had to photograph four fucking times before!  Again, this is totally par for the course in my life, shit like this is as normal as the sunrise, so I do not let it phase me.  It is funny to listen to my husband rant and rave about how impossible it is for this shit to happen, after it HAS happened, but I would be happy to skip that part.

Other than the usual trials and tribulations that are a necessary part of any interaction I have with technology, the week went well.  I did the last of this years dyeing on Thursday, and finished washing it all out on Friday, and then on Saturday, I found two more shirts that I had dyed, and then totally forgotten about!  I left them outside in the dye bath for almost three whole days!  They got rained on, or in, as the case may be.  They still turned out pretty so it wasn't too big a deal, but I have no idea how I missed them entirely for so long.  I thought I was missing some when I washed them out, but after so many t-shirts they all start to blend together, so I am never quite sure.

Oh, and my dog, Jack, has started talking to me.  Well, he  has been talking to me for a long time, but he is expanding his ability to communicate, or rather, I guess I am expanding my ability to understand his attempts at communicating.  As I have mentioned in the past Jack is a Red-Heeler, a.k.a. an Australian Stumpy Tail Cattle Dog, a smaller medium sized breed that is highly intelligent and very sociable.  However, Jack thinks he is a German Shepherd.  He isn't really a trained attack dog, but he plays one in our life.  This is Jack:

One of his other favorite games, besides "Tear Mother limb from limb", is the perennial favorite of critters large and small - "Chase the Red Dot".  I keep a laser pointer in my desk drawer with my sewing supplies just for the dog's entertainment (the cat is old and doesn't care much about dots anymore).  Jack came up to me today, nudged me on the left leg with his nose (which is how he tells me he wants something), then he walks around me to the other side where the drawer is and nudges the drawer with his nose.  You should have seen this dog's eyes light up when I asked him if he wanted to play "dot".  He was off and running before I could even open the drawer!   I am not sure he is even really chasing the dot anymore, half the time he is ahead of it and the other half he changes directions long before the dot does, but he will run from one end of the room to the other and back a hundred times if I keep that dot moving.

Jack is a very smart dog.  He has probably 30 different toys in his toy bucket, and he know each one by name.  He can differentiate between the "Puppy Mouse" and the "Pink Piggy" as quick as you can name them.  But his all-time favorite toy above and beyond all else, is "Blue Ball".  And yes, I know he's color blind, but that does not slow him down at all.  He know the difference between "Blue Ball" and "Pinkie Ball" and "Blue Ball" is definitely better!  "Blue Ball is actually a rubber Racket Ball/ Hand Ball type ball.  Jack ate all the dog toy balls that we bought.  Just tore them to shreds within minutes usually, so we bought him a package of the hard rubber balls at the sporting goods store, and oh my gawd they are freaking awesome.  Of course my dog now had jaws stronger than your average pit bull after gnawing on these things for hours everyday, but they are the only things that can save me from complete dismemberment when he decides he needs to play "Tear Mother limb from limb".  And when he loses his "Blue Ball" under the furniture, or behind the washing machine, he will come and tell me that I need to go get it out for him, and he will lead me right to it every time.  Unless he is fucking with me, then we will go on a wild goose chase all over the house only to find the damn thing sitting right in plain sight in the middle of the living room.

Fortunately the little bugger is a sweet heart when he wants to be.  His new favorite thing is to climb on my lap whenever I squat down for any reason.  He is not a big dog, but he is too big to be on my lap when I am not even sitting down!  Once he is up there he will turn around and put his head on my left shoulder and just push up against me as hard as he can.  As near as I can figure this is his way of giving hugsSomehow he seems to know that I do not particularly like doggy kisses (I am allergic to his saliva - it makes me itch like crazy!),  so he tries to refrain from licking me.  Funny, it doesn't even slow him down from chewing on me, but that's different I guess.  

At the moment he is tapping my shoe with his head telling me it is time to change into my slippers so that he can chew on them.  He is not allowed to chew on my good shoes, they need to stay water-proof and holes do not help in that, at all.  He only chews on my slippers, and only when my feet are in them.  He is a pretty good dog.                             

Friday, October 12, 2012

The Freedom in Anonymity

I was just sitting here thinking about the virtues of the anonymity of the internet, and how I have always looked at it differently than the way a lot of other people see it.  I know a lot of people see the internet as a place where they can pretend to be someone they are not in real life and get away with it.  For me it has always been the opposite.  Being anonymous has allowed me the freedom to be who I really am in real life.

I have spent so much of my life hiding myself from the world to ensure my personal safety and to protect the delicate sensitivities of those relatives who have never shown any respect for me or mine, that having an outlet for who I really am has been a blessing in more ways than I can count.  I still don't really feel safe in discussing some things too much, because frankly I am paranoid, but I have good reasons to be paranoid, so I will keep doing so, and I will probably continue to refrain from talking about some things as much as I would like.  And that is probably a good thing anyway, I have mentioned I can get kind of obsessive about some things.

So if you have ever wondered if the crazy woman who writes this shit is for real, I am here to tell you she is, and she is really me.  What I write comes from my heart and my life, and every bit of it is based on my personal perceptions, which may or may not always be based in reality, but they are always really mine.  I am still a work in progress, as I think all people should be as long as they are alive, but for the first time I think I may actually be becoming the person I was always meant to be, and I owe a great deal of credit for that fact to the freedom of anonymity the internet has provided.  In a world where I am free to be anyone I want to be, the only person I want to be, is me, and for the first time in my life I really can.

Technology + Me = The Ultimate Love/Hate Relationship

I am not sure why today turned into a writing day, but at least it has been productive in some way.  I have been washing out fabrics from my day of dyeing in and around all the writing, and dealing with work, and the kids, and the housework, but of course, none of that counts.  Yes, I am kidding, of course it counts!  Just not for much. (Still kidding.)

I swear this laptop has decided that it needs to drive me crazy.  (Don't you just love when I change the subject out of the blue like that, I do!)  A few days ago the mouse I have been using with it for months, decided it was done working.  Okay, fine, I can handle that.  I found another mouse in my husbands collection of spare parts, plugged it in, and, it didn't work either.  Try number two got me a working mouse which was awesome because I can't use that touch pad thingy, it drives me insane.

So, I finally get a mouse working and suddenly the button for the letter "n" starts not working every once in a while, and it works less and less the more I need it.  It does work, (obviously since my words aren't all missing the n's) but it is sticky, so I have to slam down on it harder than one should have to push a computer key in order to make it work.  It is getting a little irritating.  

But it is just the design of this thing I think that is the hardest thing for me to get used to.  I am forever hitting what I think is the backspace key only to end up hitting the "home" key.  What the fuck is that even a key for anyway?!  I hate that damn thing!  Stupid freaking "home" key. Grumble, grumble, grumble.  I have the same issue with all of the keys on the right side of this keyboard though.  If I am not looking directly at the keys while I type, I cannot type on this thing to save my soul, and even when I am looking directly at the damn keys I still hit the wrong fucking ones!  You would think after all these months I would get used to it, but I still haven't, and I am beginning to think I never will!

Oh well, I am fucking lucky to have the damn thing at all and I am extremely grateful that I do, regardless of any issues it may cause me. It is awesome that I have one to use and I know that better than anyone.  But it was fun to bitch about it, and I feel much better now, so its all good, right?  I am going with that.  That works for me.


You May Never Know the Difference You Make

So that last post got me thinking about the simple moments in my life that have had the greatest impact on who I have become, and believe it or not, not all of them were negative.  To be sure there were a great many negative ones, but there were also a great many positive ones as well.  I have been very fortunate in my life to have met some pretty spectacular human beings.  None of them were rich, or famous, but they were each amazing in the way they shaped my perceptions on life.

There is one particular young woman who always come to mind when I think about the people who truly made a difference in my life.  I think she may have done more for me than any other single person I have ever known, and I doubt she even remembers who I am.  I was 17 when we met, and I was 100% convinced at that time that I never wanted to have children of my own.  I had given the matter a lot of serious consideration and I had concluded that it was simply not in anyone's best interest for me to ever have kids for a variety of rational and logical reasons.

Then I met Stephanie.  Her Mother was dating my boyfriend's best friend and as a result we ended up spending a great deal of time together, especially after they all moved into an apartment together.  Stephanie was only a few months old when we met, and she had already been through more trauma and bullshit than anyone should have to endure in their entire lives.  But she was strong, she was fierce, she was so incredibly beautiful, and I loved her with all of my heart.  

I had never known a little person before.  I was never allowed to babysit as a teenager and I didn't know anyone who had babies before I met Stephanie.  She opened up a whole new perspective on the world for me, one that I had never thought I would have any interest in whatsoever.  And while I watched her young Mother struggle against incredible odds to try to find a way to make a better life for her daughter I found them both to be so very inspiring that they literally changed my life.  I mean, I sure could have never been "Mother is NOT Pleased" if I had never been a Mother!

Stephanie showed me the one thing that I had been craving all my life but had never felt before, unconditional Love.  She didn't disapprove of me, or push me away, or make me feel unworthy, she always smiled for me, she always Loved me, just because I was me.  

To be completely honest, she did more than change my life, she saved it.  I had been suicidal for years, and I honestly don't know if I would have kept fighting against it if I hadn't had my first child when I did.  He was, and always has been, my reason for living.  If Stephanie hadn't changed my mind about having children in the first place I am not sure I really would even be here today.

She is a grown woman now, and I haven't even seen her in over 15 years, but I still think about her almost every day.  I am sure she has no idea what an impact she made on my life, and that right there is the point of this entire story.  You never know how many people there are in this world whose lives have been forever altered for the better simply by your existence.  People who may have just met you in passing one day on the bus may have their destinies forever changed just by seeing your smile on a day when they needed it more than they needed air to breathe.  Never discount your effect on this world, I can almost guarantee that you have changed at least one person's life without ever realizing you had done so.  So please, as you go forward with your life, try to remember, you might just be somebody's Stephanie, and they may just need you as much as I needed her, so be kind to yourself, if not for your sake, then for theirs.  They are really gonna need it.  I know I did.


Simple Words Can Have a Profound Impact

"Beggars can't be choosers."  It is just a simple phrase.  I don't know where it originated, but I am sure it is probably older than dirt.  Four simple words, strung together causally by someone who had never known what it was like to have to suffer deprivation.  Carried forward by generation after generation of privileged people to ease their own conscious' for having more than they need perhaps.

These words played a major role in shaping the person I am today.  But not in the way that they were probably intended.  No, it was actually the exact opposite effect as the one that I am sure had been intended.  

My Mother and I were in the kitchen, I was probably 11 or 12 at the time, and she was going through the cupboards to fill a bag for a local food drive.  I watched as she took can after can out of the cupboards of crap that no one in our family would ever have eaten and put them in the bag.  She filled that bag with Spam, and Lima beans,  and all sorts of other  assorted disgusting things.  Not one single thing went in that bag that any one in our family would actually eat.  When I asked her why she didn't put anything good in the bag, those were the words she used to explain it to me.  "Beggars can't be choosers."  

And when I asked why we had those things in out cupboards in the first place since no one would eat them, she never would admit that she only bought them in the first place to give them to the less fortunate.  The entire experience shook me to my core.  I know the message she was trying to impart to me was that it was bad to be poor, but that was not the one I heard.  What I heard was the sick, self-entitled, bigotry that I would come to build my entire existence around fighting against!

I was truly ashamed of my Mother that day, and I vowed to myself that I would NEVER become like her and the rest of my family.  This is why I chose to live my life in "poverty", rather than striving for riches, because that is what they do.  I judge the value of a person by the content of their character, not their pocketbook, because my family cares only for the later.  Every conscious decision I have ever made in my life was made on the basis of whether or not they would do the same thing.  If the answer was no, I probably said yes, and if their answer was yes, I was generally found screaming NO as I was running in the opposite direction.

If I am crazy for wanting to be Nothing like them, then I am thrilled to be crazy.  I would choose crazy over cruel any day, and that was the choice they gave me.  That is how I saw it then, and that is how I still see it today.  They are the ones who claim to be "Christians" while they worship at the altar of the almighty dollar, denigrating and demeaning anyone who does not choose to live and believe as they say they should.  I want no part of their sick and twisted world view, I find it reprehensible and disgusting beyond words, and if that makes me crazy, then I am fucking thrilled to be the craziest person in the whole damn world!                  

A Quick Update Before the Bitching Begins ...

Well, the bitchy blog post I started working on a couple of days ago still isn't quite finished yet, and I am really not in the mood at the moment, so you are just gonna have to keep waiting on that one.  I suppose I should have wrote a "coming out" post in honor of yesterday, but I didn't do that either, and I don't feel like it now, so that's not gonna happen.

I spent the day outside dyeing yesterday, and every muscle in my body is screaming at me for it now.  The worst part is I am only about half done!  It is a damn good thing I enjoy this so much or I would think I was insane for tormenting my body this way.  And you probably wouldn't think a simple thing like dyeing little pieces of fabric and t-shirts would be all that physically demanding, but it sure takes a tole on me!

I decided to take a gamble and start listing the T-shirts on eBay this week.  I listed one as a test, and it sold in less than ten minutes!  Needless to say this was all the motivation I needed.  I have now listed 30 or so, and of course, I haven't sold another one since.  Par for the course with my life on that one.  But at least I am trying, right?

I took a few more pictures of T-shirts yesterday evening, but I had to quit early because my Steelers were playing.  And, of course they fucking lost.  Why does this not surprise me?  Once again, par for the course.  I think my husband's team is doing better than mine this year, and that is really sad, for me anyway.

Tomorrow I will get back at it.  Taking pictures and dyeing both.  I still have a few t-shirts left that haven't been dyed yet.  I used up all the fabric pieces I had left yesterday, and I used up all the premixed dyes I had left over from last time I dyed, as well as most of the powdered dyes I had left.  I am stuck with green, red, and black and varying shades therein for the remaining T-shirts, there is no more blue or purple until next year.  When I am done with this round I am packing it all away until Spring, its just easier that way.  I am sure I will have plenty of other projects to keep me busy through the winter.

Anyway, now that you know what I have been doing, I can go work on some bitching posts for those of you who enjoy those.  I am suddenly feeling pretty bitchy, so we might as well use that to our advantage, don't ya think?  I think so, ....  Be back soon ...