Self-Destruction Sunday, Post #1

Hello Internet people!  Mother is not feeling well today so she is going to spend the day writing random crap for all of you until she feels better.  No, I am not sick, there are no physical ailments  currently plaguing me, well not beyond the usual ones anyone.  I just feel Blah.  Not really depressed, although I can see the edge of that precipice quite clearly right there next to me and I am hoping that working through my thoughts here will help prevent me from falling in.

I feel as though I have been trying to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders again, and I am just feeling suffocated under the load.  Please note that I do this shit to myself.  I let myself get worked up over shit that I have no control over, most of which really has no direct connection to my life at all.  This is part of why I had to get away from Facebook.  Beyond their company policies and just plain stupidity, just being exposed to the rest of the world on that level every day is more than I can stomach.

I think I have mentioned before that it is much easier to Love everyone when you have NO contact with anyone.  The more I have to deal with people, the less I like them.  And especially when I have to listen to the heartless, greedy, self-serving bastards trying to destroy everything that is good and decent in the world all for the sake of making another buck.  They just make my blood boil and all I can see is red.  I like to consider myself one of the least judgmental, most accepting, most NON-violent people you could ever happen to meet and I just really would like to kill some of these people.  And that scares me.  I don't want to be that way.  But the only way I can find to not feel that way is to have no contact whatsoever with those kinds of people.   

I have mentioned that I am crazy.  I know I have told you that.  I cannot live in the same reality that the rest of the world seems to be in.  Someone will die.  And it would probably be me because as much as I might really want to remove those mother fuckers from the face of this earth, I have yet to show any potential to follow through on much of anything.  So I have built a little fantasy world where I can live quite safely and contentedly, and I am staying here at least until this stupid election is over.

Not that I think anything is going to get any better after the election.  I have pretty much given up hope of things ever really getting better.  As long as there are people who choose to believe that money is more valuable than anything else, there is no chance of fixing all that is wrong.  We have all the resources and the knowledge necessary for this world to be a true paradise for EVERYONE, but because a few greedy bastards decided that they are more valuable than everyone else, billions of people do without the basic necessities of life just so that a few can hoard away a million times more than they could ever possible use.  I find it beyond sickening and offensive and having it forever shoved in my face as a "better way" to do things literally sucks the will to live right out of me.

You see that has always been my issue.  It is not so much that I have ever really wanted to die, I just don't want to live.  Not sure I ever really have.  Even when I was a little girl I remember being extremely upset with my parents because I never wanted to be born in the first place.  I do not like this life, never wanted it, but for some reason  I am supposed to just keep dealing with it until someone or something else decides I don't have to anymore.  Totally not fair.  

Yes, yes, there are loads and loads of wonderful people and things and whatnot in the world.  I get that.  I have even experienced a lot of joyous moments, which did, while they were happening, make life worth living. It is those long drawn out expanses of time in between those moments that I have trouble with.  And the worst of it is, it all boils down to money in the end.  My aversion to the concept of being wealthy has trapped me in an unending cycle of poverty that I cannot escape from because I have no real confidence in my own abilities.

And this is why I am crazy.  I know I an extremely intelligent person.  I am incredibly gifted with a multitude of talents and skills and abilities that a lot of people only dream of being able to attain.  I know there is very little in this world that I cannot do successfully if given half a chance, but not only does the rest of the world refuse to give me a chance, I refuse it to myself.  I have sabotaged every opportunity that I have ever been given and I still can't figure out how to stop doing that!  My gawd it is exhausting and exasperating and just plain fucking nuts. And the harder I try to fight against doing it, the more I end up screwing things up.  That is why not trying at all anymore seems so damn appealing sometimes.