Inside My Brain

I am sorry Internet people.  I really am kinda losing it today.  My brain is battling itself like a bad Kung Fu movie and I am afraid you all are being thrown into the melee.  I have got no body else to talk to, so I am talking to you.  As always you can choose to ignore me and go one about your lives and it will not change a thing for either of us one way or the other.  I, however, do not have that option.  I am stuck here.  Inside my brain.  There is no escape for me.

 I suppose I really shouldn't post all this inner turmoil out in public for the whole damn world to see.  It will come back to bite me in the ass someday, I am sure of that.  Everything I do usually does.  And this is where the, "Aw, fuck it" attitude towards life tends to present its limitations.

As much as I may claim to like myself, and there are moments when I do, there is so much I would change about myself if I could.  Most of it is probably stuff that I actually could change if I was willing to put forth the effort, but I don't.  Once again the worst part isn't that I am afraid I will fail if I try.  No, I am terrified that I will succeed, and that it won't make a damn bit of difference.

For example, I have terrible eating habits.  I do not like to eat, I don't enjoy food, so I don't eat very much and what I do eat is usually crap.  I would very much like to learn to eat healthy and to take better care of my physical self.  But, (here's where the crazy comes in) if I do that, and I put forth all the time, effort, and energy to learn to eat right and exercise, and then I just get cancer or something.  I have now wasted all of that effort and time that I cannot get back.  Never mind that being healthy might give me a better chance at fighting off the cancer, I don't have medical coverage, I will be dead before I know I have it anyway.  

Do you see how it can be a struggle to do anything when my brain does this kind of shit to me all the time? It is a constant battle against infighting, sabotage, guerrilla warfare, and just fucking insane tangents that serve no useful purpose whatsofuckingever! I cannot even get a fucking grip because I have nothing to hold on to!  And the energy drain is just overwhelming for someone who doesn't take in enough calories to fuel basic functioning. 

I know, I was the one who decided that being crazy was better than being depressed.  And it really is, most of the time.  I just wish I could learn to allow myself to be neither.  At least once in a while.  The problem is I have no idea what "normal" is anymore.  I thought I did once, but I was so fucking wrong.  And what the rest of the world seems to be saying is "normal" just seems so fucking sick and twisted to me, and I am left more confused than ever.  

I have no clue what I am doing, or why I am doing it.  Every time I think I am doing something to "improve" my life it turns out to just be another way to destroy what little good I already had.  I don't know what the fuck I want.  And I guess, that really is the fucking problem now isn't it.  I don't know what I want.  Because I have been programed not to want anything, just to accept whatever I get and be grateful for it.  Beggar's can't be choosers.  My fucking gawd it comes back to that again doesn't it?  Fuck me.  I gotta go think on this one alone for a little while.  I may or may not be back later today (my team is playing tonight - Go Steelers!), but never fear, I shall return to ramble at you again soon.  Just need to process this little revelation first.