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Sunday, October 21, 2012

Inside My Brain

I am sorry Internet people.  I really am kinda losing it today.  My brain is battling itself like a bad Kung Fu movie and I am afraid you all are being thrown into the melee.  I have got no body else to talk to, so I am talking to you.  As always you can choose to ignore me and go one about your lives and it will not change a thing for either of us one way or the other.  I, however, do not have that option.  I am stuck here.  Inside my brain.  There is no escape for me.

 I suppose I really shouldn't post all this inner turmoil out in public for the whole damn world to see.  It will come back to bite me in the ass someday, I am sure of that.  Everything I do usually does.  And this is where the, "Aw, fuck it" attitude towards life tends to present its limitations.

As much as I may claim to like myself, and there are moments when I do, there is so much I would change about myself if I could.  Most of it is probably stuff that I actually could change if I was willing to put forth the effort, but I don't.  Once again the worst part isn't that I am afraid I will fail if I try.  No, I am terrified that I will succeed, and that it won't make a damn bit of difference.

For example, I have terrible eating habits.  I do not like to eat, I don't enjoy food, so I don't eat very much and what I do eat is usually crap.  I would very much like to learn to eat healthy and to take better care of my physical self.  But, (here's where the crazy comes in) if I do that, and I put forth all the time, effort, and energy to learn to eat right and exercise, and then I just get cancer or something.  I have now wasted all of that effort and time that I cannot get back.  Never mind that being healthy might give me a better chance at fighting off the cancer, I don't have medical coverage, I will be dead before I know I have it anyway.  

Do you see how it can be a struggle to do anything when my brain does this kind of shit to me all the time? It is a constant battle against infighting, sabotage, guerrilla warfare, and just fucking insane tangents that serve no useful purpose whatsofuckingever! I cannot even get a fucking grip because I have nothing to hold on to!  And the energy drain is just overwhelming for someone who doesn't take in enough calories to fuel basic functioning. 

I know, I was the one who decided that being crazy was better than being depressed.  And it really is, most of the time.  I just wish I could learn to allow myself to be neither.  At least once in a while.  The problem is I have no idea what "normal" is anymore.  I thought I did once, but I was so fucking wrong.  And what the rest of the world seems to be saying is "normal" just seems so fucking sick and twisted to me, and I am left more confused than ever.  

I have no clue what I am doing, or why I am doing it.  Every time I think I am doing something to "improve" my life it turns out to just be another way to destroy what little good I already had.  I don't know what the fuck I want.  And I guess, that really is the fucking problem now isn't it.  I don't know what I want.  Because I have been programed not to want anything, just to accept whatever I get and be grateful for it.  Beggar's can't be choosers.  My fucking gawd it comes back to that again doesn't it?  Fuck me.  I gotta go think on this one alone for a little while.  I may or may not be back later today (my team is playing tonight - Go Steelers!), but never fear, I shall return to ramble at you again soon.  Just need to process this little revelation first. 



  1. 'Normal' is a social construct, &, as such, liable to change. What is 'normal' to me is that mindset that allows me to function...get my ADLs done, take care of my grandchildren, daydream, find pleasure in my hobbies, work towards a better life. As for knowing what I want, I struggle with that as well. FOr me, I need to see my thought is writing, so I have a notebook in which I write everything down. It's a looseleaf, so that I may take out what no longer works.

  2. Normal is whatever works for me...I tried other people's normal and I had a breakdown, nope, now its what works for Mr and screw the rest!