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Sunday, October 21, 2012

Self Destruction Is Kinda My Thing ...

It never ceases to amaze me how, after months of me telling you people that I am crazy, some of you still expect me to be capable of making sound, rational decisions regarding my own life.  Bwahahaha, that's fucking funny right there.  I suppose it is possible that I am capable of it, but I have yet to see it happen in the 45 years I have known me, so I am not really sure you should be hanging your hopes on it now.  

Seriously now, I have made it my life's mission to destroy any potential opportunity I have ever had, why the heck would you think I could stop doing that now?  I sure wish I could find  a way to do that, but I am just not seeing it yet.  I am looking for the reset switch in my brain, but I cannot seem to locate it.

You all thought I was kidding about that having a "Bi-Polar Ego" thing.  I wasn't.  That is so totally me it is not even a little bit funny.  Okay, it is hysterical, but it is still me.  I do have either extreme confidence in my abilities, or absolutely zero confidence, sometimes both at the same time.  Actually, maybe it is just that I have no confidence in anyone else's ability to see my value or value my abilities.  I am absolutely convinced that everyone on the planet thinks I am a failure and a fraud, even if they have never heard of me.  I KNOW that is not realistic, its not even in the ball park of rational thinking, but I still cannot help but feel that way, ALL the damn time!   

Its funny some days I can be the most rational crazy person you could ever hope to meet, I can fucking rationalize pretty much anything.  None of it make a damn bit of sense, but that doesn't even slow me down.  The only thing that has slightly impeded the free flowing nature of my insanity is this blog.  I am trying very hard to find a way to express a lifetime of repressed conflicts and internal struggles without sounding like a raving lunatic all of the time.  Not sure I have even come close on that one, but I will keep trying.      

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