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Sunday, September 16, 2012

Fighting the Need to Fail

I have spent the weekend working on quilts, and am making good progress through the stack   I have one completely quilted, one partially quilted, and four more pinned and ready for quilting, I call that a good weekend!  The one thing about quilting is that it gives me lots of time to think.  Now, this could be a good thing, but it usually isn't. 

A psychiatrist friend of mine once pointed out to me that I have an incredible habit of setting myself up for failure.  Seriously, I am awesome at this, I could win prizes and shit I am so fucking fabulous at setting myself up to fail.  Now, he told me that probably 15 years ago, and as much as I can recognize it as being absofreakinglutely true, I still have not figured out how NOT to do it.  I think I have figured out the psychology behind WHY I do it, I am just terrified of success, but I don't know how to get past that and stop doing it.

I am sitting here driving myself insane at the moment trying to figure out how to find a way to "support" myself, to "pull my own weight in the world" as it were. Actually, I have been struggling with this all my life, but more so lately than O have in a very long time.  But no matter what I come up with, I find a way to shoot myself down before I even really try.  I just can't convince myself that anyone will ever see any value in anything I can do.  Now, my "logical" brain knows that this is ridiculous.  I am a highly educated, extremely talented, person with an extensive background in a wide variety of marketable skills.  I know this, without a shadow of a doubt I know thisBut, I also have that voice in the back of my head telling me that I am "worthless", that I "will never amount to anything", that I "will never be anything" ...

And for some unfuckingfathomable reason I always make sure the voice wins.  I just feel like, somehow, by proving the voice wrong I would be dishonoring it, and since it came from my family, I am thereby dishonoring them.  I know that is totally insane, especially since I threw my family out of my life almost a year ago, but I just can't work my way past it.  I think that breaking with my family is what has given me this drive to find a way to make money,   I have never cared much about money before, but now I would really like to do some things with what is left of my life, and they all take at least a little bit of money.  And since I don't have to worry anymore about what anybody else thinks about what I am doing with my life I would really like to quit wasting it and start living it.  But for some reason, I cannot let myself find a way to succeed.

I have really been trying to figure it out.  The t-shirt idea was not nearly as successful as I had hoped it would be, and I must admit that at least part of that is entirely on me.  I still haven't listed the larger sizes that people actually requested because I don't really expect anyone to buy them.  I haven't advertised them very much except it fits and spurts,  I pretty much just listed them all on Etsy and forget about them.  There are a lot of things I could be doing, and probably should be doing, to try to get them to sell, but once again, if I succeed at something, that might reflect badly on those who have clearly told me I am not allowed to succeed unless I do things their way.

So, I am putting some real effort into producing what I hope may be marketable goods over the next few months, and maybe I might even figure out how to promote them so that people will actually see them to at least give myself a chance to do something "successful" with my life.  Goodness knows, raising 5 kids, mostly on my own, doesn't count for shit, no matter how great those kids might have turned out, I need to be making some damn money!

By the way - in case you didn't see it on Facebook - I have put a 40% off coupon on all the t-shirts on Etsy good for two weeks only!  Just type "Facebook" into the coupon code box when ordering!  Hurry!  Offer ends September 29th!  Just click on the "Mother's Gift Shop" link on the upper right of this page to go straight there!  (See - I am trying!)

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