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Monday, September 24, 2012

Riding the Waves

Well, as I suspected, the delusion of grandeur have passed and I am left as the worthless, pointless waste of oxygen that I usually am.  This is why I will never make anything out of my life.  I can't hang on to the illusions long enough to even try.  So, back to wishing I could just die already and get this shit over with.  Relax people, I am not suicidal.  I won't do anything to hasten my release along, at least, not any more than usual.  

Of course my husband thinks I am mad at him, so he isn't talking to me.  I'm not mad at him.  I am mad at me.  I am the one who makes me this way, not him.  The worst part is I know its my fault, I just can't not be this way.  I have been trying for decades, it just doesn't matter what I do, I always end up back here.  At least today, I know it will pass, not nearly fast enough, but it will pass eventually and I will be right back to thinking I can conquer the world.  For most of my life I didn't have that faith.  So, I guess I am making progress.  Sort of.

I like the delusional me better.  She is much more fun to be around.  The realistic me is just fucking depressing.  And that right there is the problem.  I see the depression as reality.  Reality is depressing to me.  The world is filled with meanness, hatred, greed, and all those ugly things, that is reality.  All the Love, and hope, and compassion in the world doesn't seem to fill a thimble in comparison.  That is depressing.

When I can wrap myself up in my delusions I can be safe from all of the ugliness in the world.  I can even convince myself that I could play a part in vanquishing some of that ugliness from the world.  But then, again, reality comes crashing down around me and I remember that I can't even take care of myself, how in the world could I even think I could help anybody else?!

And you all thought I was kidding about being crazy.  Ha ha, fooled you!  I am certifiable.  That is why I stay very far away from people capable of certifying me.  If they ever got a hold of me they would lock me up and throw away the key!  Which wouldn't be so bad, except they would let me have sharp objects, and its hard to sew without scissors or a needle!  That simple fact right there is all that has kept me on the outside this long.

I know there are a couple people out there who might have come to care about the crazy lady who writes this blog so I want you to know that I am okay.  Really.  I am depressed, but this will pass, and I will not do anything too stupid before it does.  I might not want to live, but I won't do anything to stop living, I promise.  I have been fighting this battle most of my life, and I am pretty sure I will be fighting it for the rest of my life.  It isn't pretty, and it isn't fun, but, better me than some poor fool who couldn't handle it.  I will be back to thinking the world of myself again here shortly, just gotta learn to ride the waves.

1 comment:

  1. "I reject your reality & substitute my own."--Adam Savage. I have that as a cross-stitch sampler waiting to be framed! Must agree, however, that this reality is depressing & frustrating. When I get too discouraged, I have to meditate/center & try to look at as a game. When I need to know the rules & players of so that I can get what I need to make life easier for myself & my family. 'cause the bastards in control aren't into fuck them.