I Am Really Not a People Person

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I am not a people person.  As much as I Love people, I do not like being around them very much.  When I was younger I thought having friends was one of the most important things in the world, but I never had very many.  I never even found a best friend who valued me as much as I valued her.  Every girl or woman that I have ever considered my "best" friend, had someone else entirely that they thought of as their best friend.  As hard as I have tried I just can't seem to connect with other women very well. 

Most of my friends are guys, the only friends that I have managed to keep for nearly 30 years, are both guys.  Its funny, I have three of my former female "best" friends on my "friends" list of my personal Facebook account, but not a one of them has ever bothered to "like" any of the pages I run on Facebook.  They won't even talk to me, either on Facebook or on the phone, but they all wanted me on their "friends" list for some reason.  Now those two guys I mentioned, they both not only took the time to "like" my pages, they actually even interact on them occasionally, and they have brought more people in with them.

The only problem I have with having only guys for friends is that my husband hates it.  He is convinced every other man on the planet wants to have sex with his wife, and that there could be no other reason why they could possibly ever want to have anything to do with me.  Now, I know this is ridiculous, but he is just irrational, and there is no point in arguing about it.  So, that leaves me with no one to talk to most of the time. 

Fortunately I am rather used to that.  I have spent long stretches of my life with no one but myself to keep me company, and I like my own company.  The problem is that my husband likes my company a little too much.  He cannot understand why I want to spend time by myself.  The whole concept just seems incomprehensible to him.  He says he would understand if I wanted to go off and spend time with a friend (hahaha), but since I don't have any friends, I should want to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, every year, with just him and the boys.  I don't.  I need time to myself.  He thinks a nap, or an hour in my sewing room should be good enough, but its not. 

He cannot understand the constant demands that I feel on my time and attention, and the need to get away from those demands for more than a few minutes at a time.  He is here all the time with the kids, and they don't bother him, why should they bother me?  Well, for one thing the dang kids never ask him for anything!  Whatever they want, whenever they want something, it is Mom, that they ask, not Dad.  Even when Dad is cooking dinner, they won't ask him what he is making, they ask me.  They have learned they are not supposed to bother Dad when he is working, and from their perspective he looks like he is working most of the time, so they don't want to bother him.  Nobody thinks twice about bothering Mom though.  Hell, they will even try to come ask me for stuff when I am in the bathtub! I am on call constantly, and have been for almost 26 years.  It gets to be a little too much sometimes and I just need to be alone.

We made a deal a few years ago, that I am supposed to get one week off every five years, to go away by myself and just be alone for a while.  Last year was supposed to be my year.  I didn't go.  I just didn't have the money, and this year isn't looking any more promising.  Maybe I can sell some quilts this winter and have enough money to go somewhere next year, but I am not holding my breath. 

I think that is why writing this damn blog has become so important to me.  It is my little escape.  I am trying to teach the boys not to bother me while I am sitting on my bed typing, but some habits are harder to break than others.  Since I don't have any friends I can really talk to, you all get to listen to me ramble aimlessly about whatever the hell has gotten into me this time.  At least with you people I have a chance to be myself for a while without having to worry about what everybody else wants me to be.  That is a nice change of pace for me.

I know I can be coarse, and offensive.  I come across as heartless bitch sometimes, mostly because my heart has been stomped on so much that I just don't have the energy to fight for it anymore.  The truth is I am probably one of the most fragile people you would ever meet, both physically and emotionally.  That's why I am so quick to "ban" people who want to argue with me, they literally make me physically ill.  I don't do conflict.  At all.  After the years of torment my ex-husband put me thru, I just can't take it anymore.  The littlest thing can tie my stomach up in knots for hours, even days.  When we first moved down here, after the final straw broke me, I weighed a grand total of 92 pounds.  I managed to get all the way up to 112 pounds a couple of years ago, before my family and some dumbass neighbors started causing more stress for me for no damn reason, and I lost most of the weight I had gained.  That is what stress and conflict do to me.  It is not healthy, and I will not deal with it anymore if I don't have to.  And guess what, when it comes to Facebook, and this blog, I don't have to.  So I don't.

So for those of you who keep coming back here to read the nonsensical rambling of this middle aged crazy woman, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time out of your busy lives to spend a few minutes with me.  Knowing there are at least a few people out there who seem to like me for who I really am is truly one of the greatest gifts I have ever received and I cannot begin to express how deeply I appreciate each and every one of you.   Thank you.