One Step At a Time ...

Mother has been hard at work this week pinning quilts, photographing t-shirts, and planning her direction for the future.  You all know that I have spent most of my life, hiding from a world that has never accepted me, and now, as I look toward stepping out of the shadows and into the light, there is much that must be considered.  I have shared with all of you some of my personal tragedies and triumphs, but there is much to be said for the fragile sense of freedom provided by the pseudo-anonymity of "Mother".  While I am more than willing to "own" my words and my life, that is much easier to do when nobody really knows who you are.

So as I contemplate coming out of the shadows and becoming the person I was always meant to be, the future begins to look brighter, rather than dimmer, for the first time in a very long time.  Honestly, I don't know that I have ever really looked forward to the future before.   I know there are going to be some major trials ahead of me, but instead of dreading them, I find myself eagerly anticipating them.  It is time for a new challenge in my life.  And the challenge is ME.  I started to come out years ago, just before I met my husband, but I allowed the comfort of our life and the demands of our family to supersede my interests and I faded further into the woodwork than I had ever been before.  I have allowed myself to become isolated rather than liberated.  This is not what I signed up for.

I know the time has finally come.  There is much work to be done, many preparations to check off the list.  And I am making progress.  Everyday I have managed to take at least a few small steps towards the goals I have set for myself.  And for me, this alone is success.  There is much more work ahead of us, but, as long as I keep moving forward, despite any setbacks that my "bi-polar ego" may inflict, I think I might just make it out of the shadows once and for all.

And you know why the time has come?  Because of you.  Knowing that there are other people like me out there who are afraid to share the voices and visions with the world is all the motivation I needed to find a way to stand up, and speak out, for all of us.  No one should have to live with the fear and the ridicule I have been forced to endure all my life.  Before I met all of you, I could handle the abuse the world shoveled upon me because I thought somehow I must deserve it.  But I could never stand by and watch anyone else be treated that way!  No one deserves to be treated that way.  And knowing that there are others out there, cowering in the shadows as I have always done, well that is all I needed to know to ensure that I have to try to make things different.  For you. And for me.