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Sunday, September 23, 2012

Thinking, Just Thinking ...

Think. Think, think, think. Think some more.  I do too damn much thinking.  Need to do more doing, but there aren't enough hours in the day.  Had a nice visit with my eldest son and his girlfriend today.  i am not very good at entertaining people, but I don't think we scared her too badly.  She already had a clue that we couldn't be too normal, she has met my son after all.  I like her, she seems like a good fit for him.  A little weird in her own right, which is nothing but a good thing too me.  I wish I was better at talking to people so that I could have gotten to know her better.  But I just suck.  I am always afraid I will ask the wrong things, so I don't ask anything.  I can't do small talk.  I am just not a sociable person. But she seemed nice, and I hope she sticks around.  She really seems to like my son, and for me that is what counts most of all, so she's got my vote right there. As long as he is happy, I am happy. 

Now I need to get back to work.  My husband started talking about putting me back to work for him again, so I better get busy before he figures out something for me to do.  Sales have really fallen the past few months and business is looking rather bleak at the moment.  I am not sure if everyone is just so terrified of the election coming up that they are counting their pennies a lot closer, or just what it is, but this is the worst it has been since the beginning of the recession, and its starting to get scary.  It was bad enough when my sales fell to the point of being barely able to cover expenses, but when his fall too, well, this is definitely not good at all.  We are heading into what is usually out busiest time of year, I am hoping that things pick up soon.

For the moment I am trying not to worry about it too much. We have had down times before and it has always picked up again.  One day at a time.  Just keep taking it one day at a time.  It does make it difficult to focus on my own plans though.  It is going to take significant amounts of time to put together what I am wanting to do, and while it won't take a lot of money, it will take some.  And at the moment I feel guilty even thinking about it.  I know I can make money at it down the road, but it isn't going to happen overnight, I am just not sure how much longer I can keep putting it off.  I feel like I am running out of time.

I know, I am still relatively young, but decades of abuse and neglect have left my body in not the greatest condition.  I don't expect to make it to 70.  That gives me a maximum of 25 years left.  That is not much time.  There is so much still left to be done, I don't have time to waste.  Yeah, I know, welcome to the real world.  But I don't live in the real world.  I am the crazy lady, remember?  I like my delusions.  They are much more comfortable.

I would probably do much better if I could quit operating on obsessive behaviors.  I would love to be able to learn to do a little bit of each of the things that need to be done everyday.  But I can't.  I go all in.  One thing to the exclusion of pretty much everything else until it is done, then I can go on to the next thing.  And once my brain has zeroed in on that next thing, get the heck out of the way and let me do it or I will lose my freaking mind!  Of course I am still easily distracted, which is why I become so obsessive, it is the only way I can get anything done.  If I try to do a little bit of 30 different things, I might get part of 3 of those things done, but I will probably get 50 other things done that I had no intention of doing.  If I focus on one thing to the exclusion of all else, well, then I might actually get that one thing done.  Maybe,  If I am lucky.

I am getting better at it though.  I have been making a deliberate effort to take a little time to write every day.  This is why you have been subjected to so many pointless blog posts like this one.  So far I have done pretty good with that.  So maybe there is hope for me yet.  I wouldn't count on it if I were you, but there is always that possibility anyway. 

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