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Friday, May 10, 2013

Good Enough For Who?

Hello again Internet People!  You will be happy to know that I managed to make some real progress in cleaning out the "sewing room" yesterday.  Just kidding, I know you probably couldn't care less, but I am very happy about it.  I am by no means done, but I am making steady progress.  Now, the old me (like last year) would have had this all done in one day, but I wouldn't have been able to do anything else for several days afterward.  I am learning to pace myself.  It is not easy.

Taking the time to slow down and just take things one step at a time is not one of my virtues.  I am always in a hurry, rushing to get this done or finish that so that I can get on with the next thing on my list.  I wasn't always that way though.  I remember when I was a teenager I really enjoyed taking my time on things.  I would spend hundreds of hours coloring pictures that served no purpose other than making me happy, and boy did I hear about what a waste of time that was!  My Mother literally called them my "time wasters". 

Now it is NOT my Mother's fault that I ended up having difficulties with wasting time as I got older, I do not want anybody thinking this is her fault cause it is definitely not. Its my husband's fault.  

Actually it is my fault.  It is all in my head and I know that.  My husband is a hard working man who spends the vast majority of his time and energies on trying to improve our lives.  He is a powerhouse who can work at full speed on any project until it is finished.  He doesn't fuck around.  He has never implied or insisted that I should work like he does.  He has repeatedly stated that he has no expectation of me ever being able to work like he does.  I still feel bad because I can't work like he does.  Intellectually I know this is ridiculous.  I am beating myself up over some imagined flaw that doesn't really exist.  I find that I do that a lot.

The vast majority of my problems with other people come from my inability to live up to the expectations I think they might have of me.  Not their actual expectations mind you, but my imagined ones.  I spend way too much time trying to read between the lines and personalize everything anybody says to me.  Its always personal.  Everything is personal.

I am learning to cut myself some slack, but it is difficult.  I guess I expect so much more from myself than what I am, but I don't know what more I could be.  I don't want to be anyone but me, but I am still not always sure that's good enough.  Which begs the question: Good enough for who? 

I know I am good enough for me, but I have never felt like I was good enough for the people I love.  That does come from a childhood of never being good enough, but I am a damn grown-up now, and no one I have loved as an adult has ever even hinted that I wasn't good enough.  Most of the people who have ever known who I really am still hold me in high regard (The vast majority of them generally have a higher opinion of me than I do), only the ones who refused to acknowledge or accept who I am have ever found me lacking.  

So, I am trying to learn not to beat myself up over shit that isn't real, and allow myself to work within my own abilities and limitations.  As I said, it isn't easy, especially as I try to recover all the weight I have lost.  If ever being lazy was a virtue, now would be the time!  I don't have the spare calories to work like I think I should, I need them for more important things right now, like my health.  The work will get done whenever it gets done, not like its going to disappear of I don't get it done fast enough.  It will all still be there tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that ...

Until next time ...

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