Saturday, May 11, 2013
My Futility Funk
Hello again Internet People! I seem to have fallen into some sort of funk and it is really messing with my head at the moment. For the past few days I have been having a heck of a time finding my focus. I have flittered from one project to another, but nothing seems to be able to hold my attention. I feel like there is something else I need to be doing, but I cannot figure out what the hell that is! The worst part is, the harder I try to figure out what it is the I am supposed to be doing, the less I end up getting done.
I go through this phase periodically. I don't know if it is a hormonal swing, or what the fuck causes it, but it drives me batty. I get this thought in my head that I should be making money somehow, and I drive myself round the bend trying to figure out what the hell I could do that other people would pay me for. Since there is absolutely nothing that I am both willing and able to do that other people would be willing and able to (fairly) pay me for, you can see how this is a unending source of frustration for me. For nearly 30 years I have fought this same battle, and the end result is always the same. Epic levels of endless frustration.
While I wait for this latest wave of futility to pass, I am trying to pick away at other projects in the fleeting moments I can focus on anything. I finished the second yellow Pansy I was embroidering and have started on a purple one. And I am still working on the "sewing room", a little at a time. I also have been working on trying to plan out some future projects. I have been kicking around an idea about a tea pot for some time now, and while I still have no real clue what I want to do with it I did manage to design a pretty good pattern for one.
I have mentioned before that I struggle with designing my projects because I have this mental blockage in my head that says I cannot draw. No matter how hard I try to reproduce an image by drawing, I hate the results. They might mot even be that bad, but it is not what I was envisioning, at all. I am really good at tracing, but I cannot draw. What I can do very well is cut. For some reason the scissors will do for me what no pencil ever could. So I have recently learned to cut out my pattern pieces and then trace them onto a master design. It seems to be working for me so far. I cut out the pieces for the teapot and then traced around them on another sheet of paper and it turned out pretty damn good if I do say so myself. I still don't know what I am going to do with it, but I have the pattern for it now.
I also have this nagging urge to try to create some, well for lack of a better term, "abstract art" pieces. I don't know why. I don't even like abstract art, I don't understand it, but something in the back of my head keeps telling me I need to make some. I keep pushing the thought back into the recesses of my brain, but it keeps sneaking back out front and center again. There are so many other projects I want to make that I do like, I can't figure out why my brain keeps trying to get me to do things that I don't like. It probably has something to do with my being crazy, most things do.
I guess I will go bang my head against the wall and try to figure out what I am working on today. With any luck I might actually accomplish something today, but I wouldn't count on it or anything. Until next time ...