Hello again Internet People! I managed to kill any chance of productivity today before I even got out of bed! Mostly because I didn't get out of bed. I slept 12 hours last night, not straight through of course, I haven't slept through the night in over a decade, but 12 hours total of horizontalness is still something I don't get to do very often. From the way I am feeling right now, I think I should try to do it a LOT more often, but that isn't gonna happen.
I had planned on going back out to the flower beds this morning, but my husband already watered out there before I got up, so now everything is too wet to play in, and by the time it dries out enough, it will be too hot out there for me to work (we are supposed to get up near 90 today). So, no weed pulling for me today. I still have a lot of work to do out in the "sewing room", maybe I will go out there for a couple hours again. I did manage to uncover all of my dye stuffs the other day when I was out there, so I could always just blow off any chance of doing any work for a few days and just start playing. But I am trying to pretend to be a responsible person (why? I have no idea!) so I am trying really hard to resist the urge to dye, at least until after I get some of my work done for the season.
You know, its kinda funny how much this Blog has changed my life. When I started this I knew I would be sharing a lot of things that I had kept hidden most of my life, what I didn't realize is how far into my own head it would take me, and how much of that would end up here in print. I spend way more time now thinking about why I do the things that I do than I ever had before, and I actually feel better about myself as a person than I ever have in my life. I know exactly how fucked-up I am, but I also know that its okay to be fucked-up, as long as you aren't hurting anybody else.
Everybody is different, we all have our own faults and failings, every person on this planet is fighting their own unique battle for survival, and I am just like everybody else. Yes, I make my struggles a little more public than most people, but I do that in hopes that someone out there will see they are not alone either.
We are all in this together, if we choose to be, and I choose to be. If my life can serve as a warning, or as a beacon, I am willing to play that part. If just one person out there sees what I have written and decides that their life isn't quite as fucked as they thought, then all my public humiliation is worthwhile. And, if not, then I hope I at least made somebody giggle once or twice, that would be good too.
There have been a few people who have expressed their appreciation for the things I have written, so I know there are people out there who are enjoying, or maybe even benefiting from what I post. But to be honest, I write as much for my own benefit as I do for yours, maybe more.
All my life I have had to hide who I really was from the people who were supposed to love me no matter what. That left me with some pretty twisted beliefs about there being something wrong with who I was. Having a place where I can work through all of that in writing has given me the ability to see that just because I am not what other people wanted me to be does not make me bad. It just makes me, me. And as much as I always wanted to be okay with being me, I don't know that I have ever been as okay with me as I am today, and that is due, at least in part, to this Blog. Not only have I come to know myself better than I ever did before, I actually like myself more than I ever thought possible. I may be a lazy, crazy, fucked-up piece of work, but I am lovable, and I am worthy of all the goodness that life has to offer, and regardless of anyone else's opinion, I like me, just the way I am.
Until next time ...
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