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Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Do over?

I often wonder, if life had a "do over" button, would I use it?  I am the first one to admit I have done a LOT of stupid shit through the years.  I made bad choices, fucked shit up, and have generally wasted most of my life.  But if I had the chance to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, would I really change it?  I have given this a lot more thought than it probably warrants, since it is impossible to ever go back and change anything anyway, but I find the entire thought process involved very intriguing.  So would I change anything if I had the chance?  Probably not.

So, Why the Hell not? you ask.  If you could do over your life and eliminate all the mistakes and pain from your life, why would you choose not to do so?  Because who I am as a person is largely a result of all of those mistakes and all that pain.  The biggest "mistakes" of my life I knew were going to be "mistakes" before I ever made them, so I doubt I would do it any differently anyway.  Probably the biggest mistake of my life was marrying my ex-husband.  I knew the moment I met him that he would destroy my life if I ever became involved with him.  Considering I was at the height of my self-destructive phase, I decided to go all in, and I married him.  He did his level best to live up to his end of the bargain.  And in the end he cost me more than I ever could have imagined.  But I learned more about myself and my capabilities than I ever would have learned any other way.  So, no, I would not change much.

I have done a lot of things in my past that I am not particularly proud of, but I learned something from most of them.  I have tried never to make the same mistake twice, not sure I have always succeeded, but I have tried.  But the end result of all of those mistakes is the crazy hippie lady I like to see myself as today, and I kinda like her.  If I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't really want to be anyone else.  Every moment of pain and suffering I endured, every dumb ass choice I made, got me to who I am today.  My Grandma told me 20 some years ago that I had already lived more in my then 22 years, than most people did in a life time.  Her words stuck with me because I knew they were even more true than she realized. 

If you follow along long enough to learn my back story, you will eventually learn that is anything but typical.  While I have never really been the "adventurous" type, I have lived a rather interesting life.  And my mistakes were usually what made it the most interesting.  And while there are a few specific things I might wish I had never done, I believe that even "undoing" those things might have ripple effects that could lead me to being someone other than who I am now, and that is not a chance I would want to take. 

So we live, and we learn.  We grow, we change, we fuck up, that's life.  I wouldn't really want a "do over" for my life.  I have had a lot of pain, but I have had an awful lot of joy, and happiness, and just plain fun.  I like the person my life has led me to become, I think I am an interesting person and I as I said, I really do enjoy my own company.  If I had lived a different life I am not so sure I would have ever found the happiness I have now, so I will keep my mistakes.  I own them.  They made me who I am today, and while I can't quite say I am happy about all the mistakes I have made, I am fairly satisfied with the cumulative results.

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