Sunday, April 8, 2012
Finding a Friend
When I was younger I thought friends were about the most important thing you could have, and since I never really had very many of them I tended to value the ones I did have all the more. Usually too much. Far more than they valued me anyway. I guess I was always so desperate for friendship and acceptance that I would take whatever I could get from whoever I could find. It took me a long time to understand that the reason they didn't value me as much as I valued them wasn't because I wasn't valuable to them, other people just don't always feel things as deeply as I do. When I say that I Love everyone unconditionally, its not just a catch phrase for Mother's character, it really is who I am. I feel a connection to other people that it seems is much stronger than what other people feel.
I have mentioned before that I am extremely emotionally high-strung. That goes along with the feeling things too strongly I guess, but it sure does make life challenging sometimes. I have a tendency to either come on too strong to people or they think I am standoffish. I can't seem to find a happy medium. I do miss having a girlfriend to talk to sometimes, its been years since I have had another female to talk to besides my mother, and now I can't even talk to her. My husband and my oldest son are wonderful guys and I enjoy talking with them immensely, and I have a couple of guy friends that I talk to once in a while on Facebook who are great and I love them dearly, but I don't really have a female friend to talk to anymore. I have a hard time making female friends, and it seems an even harder time keeping them. The hardest part is I usually have no clue why the people I think are my friends end up not wanting to have anything to do with me. I mean sometimes it is pretty obvious, I know I am a screw up and I have destroyed one or two friendships through my own stupidity, but there have been so many of my friends that just seem to drift away for no apparent reason and no matter how hard I try to reach out to them they just don't seem to care anymore.
I have no idea how to approach people in real life any more, and trusting people on the internet is just asking for trouble. I suppose that sounds kinda funny coming from me, that meeting people online is asking for trouble, since I met my husband online, but I really got lucky on that one.
There really are no activities of interest to me around here where I could meet other women. I go to the quilt show every spring, but 90% of the women there are over 60 and overtly religious, I sure as hell do not fit in with any of them! I can't afford to go back to school, I am maxed out on my student loans, so I can't take classes to meet people. And the few local community based classes that have been offered since we moved here were of absolutely no interest to me, which is really sad when you consider that I am interested in almost everything.
So I have learned to be my own best friend. It freaks people out that I want to take vacations alone. My husbands hates the idea but he begrudging agreed I can have a few days, once every five years, to go off where ever I want (as long as it is safe) by myself. I LOVE my time alone. I LOVE my family, and it is wonderful that our life allows us to be together 24 hours a day pretty much 365 days a year, but I need a little time once in a while to just be inside my head. To just be my own friend. My husband does not get this. I have a room of my own behind the garage that I can retreat to anytime I want to be alone, they let me take naps when I need to without bothering me too much, I hide in our bedroom on the lap top, he thinks that should be plenty of time alone. But its not. Wherever I am on this property I am always “on call”. No one has the slightest hesitation before interrupting whatever I am doing simply because they can. And I really don't mind. I love my family and I love doing things for them. But there is a big difference between having “time alone” at home, and having time alone anywhere else. He finally relented when he had to admit that if I was wanting to “go away” with a girl friend he wouldn't have so much of a problem with it. And that is really what I am doing after all. I just happen to be the only girl friend I have.
I didn't get to take me “vacation” last year, even though it was supposed to be my year, I have no one to blame but myself though. I just couldn't bring myself to spend the money. I am still debating whether or not I will try for this year since I still don't want to spend any money. I would really like to have a few days to really be able to concentrate on my writing and myself, but even the cheapest hotels cost money, and my husband won't let me stay in a cheap hotel anyway.
But Spring is on its way and warmer weather will get me outside doing all the other things I enjoy so I won't have time to sit here thinking about having someone to talk to or somewhere to go. Now I really need to get my life organized if I am going to have time for everything that I want to do! Damn, now that I think about it, how would I find time for a friend again anyway?