So, as part of this process of becoming the me I am meant to be, I have been going out to work in the flower beds every morning this week. If I can get out there by 9 am I can get at least an hours worth of work done before it gets too hot for me to sit out there any longer. So I have been getting up and getting my ass dressed and outside before 9 am for the past three days. Instead of allowing myself to go all obsessive compulsive about it, I am learning to just do a little at a time and not try to kill myself getting it all done now. If the weeds have all grown have grown back where I started by the time I am done, well that just gives me an excuse to keep getting my ass dressed and out of the house every day before 9 am.
Fresh air and sunshine is good for you, in moderation of course. I love to be outside, but I have allowed my fear of other people to close me up inside this house. I am done being afraid. Well, I am done giving in to being afraid. "Feel the fear, and do it anyway." I don't know who said that first, but I do know that every time I created good things in my life it was because I lived those words. It is time for me to start living them everyday.
When I was a teenager I had a little silver battleaxe that hung from my key chain (among other things). After a few months the head of the axe broke off and all that was left was the handle hanging from the chain. I left it on there. I remember joking with my friends that I could honestly say "I speak loudly and carry a small stick." I thought it was hysterical at the time, now I see it as rather prophetic. That is who I am, who I am meant to be, a woman who speaks loudly, and carries a small stick. I don't have the original stick anymore, it was lost many years ago, but I do have a slightly larger small stick on my key chain to this day.
Unfortunately part of the package with being a woman who speaks loudly (stick or no stick) is that she tends to attract attention. This is what has kept me quite for so long, trying not to be noticed, not to draw attention to myself. "Keep your head down and your mouth shut" and you can avoid a lot of trouble in this world. You can also live a dull and meaningless existence, which is exactly what I do NOT want to do anymore.
So, in preparation for the attention that will come, I am working on taking better care of my physical appearance. I quit wearing make-up after my husband and I got together. He doesn't like it, and I was more than happy not to have to waste my time on it. Unfortunately, I also quit plucking my eyebrows, or shaving more than once a month, or even trying to make my hair look good (I just tie a bandana over it every day). I rarely bother to even look in the mirror anymore. Now what you may not know is that I used to be a very beautiful young woman. I didn't realize it at the time of course, but I was freakin gorgeous in my younger years. And I still don't look too bad, when I bother to try to look good. I just quit trying. My husband tells me he thinks I am beautiful, as does my adorable youngest son who still thinks his Mother is the most beautiful woman ever, and tells me so every single day, so why waste the effort on looking good for anyone else?
Well, there is me. And I know that when I look good I feel good, so I think it might just be worth some effort after all. It is much easier to tolerate people paying attention to you when you feel good about how you look, than it is when you don't. It is for me anyway.
So, I gave myself a haircut, shaved everything, twice, and even plucked my eyebrows for the first time in years. That was painful. I doubt I will go back to wearing make-up (at least until someone puts me on television), but I am making a deliberate effort to look in the mirror when I pass one, and I am starting to recognize the face that is looking back at me. I like her, she may not be every body's cup of tea, but I think she is pretty spectacular, and I cannot wait for the rest of the world to meet her.
Until next time ...
No comments:
Post a Comment