I have been undergoing a transformation process that is still in progress so you will have to forgive me for taking the time I need to find my way through this very chaotic journey. I am finally truly becoming ME!
I experienced an awakening a couple of weeks ago that I have not been able to contain, or express. Well, it started a couple weeks ago, the actual awakening didn't come until the day before yesterday.
When last I wrote to all of you I was very busy experimenting and learning new processes and techniques for use in my Art Quilts. And that is what I have continued to do daily since then. I have learned a LOT of new things and had enormous amounts of fun just playing with paints and dyes and all that creative stuff. But there was something sitting in a corner of my mind, quietly knocking, waiting patiently for me to pay attention to it. At first I couldn't coax it out of the corner, probably because I wasn't really trying, so I ignored it. Or rather, I tried to ignore it.
On Sunday I decided that I needed to take a break from playing with my art supplies and go clean up that storage room again. Since we moved all the stuff out of the garage into the room it had become a serious cluster fuck of boxes that only I could get through, and only if I was really careful. "Think Skinny" is my catch phrase when it gets like that, which it does, quite often, but I digress.
I managed to clean my way back to the back corner of the room where I have all of the stuff stacked that is supposed to be for semi-permanent storage. Stuff that I have no need, want, or desire for at the moment, but know that if I get rid of it, I will need it the next day, that kind of stuff. I knew that there were a couple of books that had been put in those boxes that I wanted to read, so I went looking for them, and I am oh so very happy that I did!
About thirteen years ago I bought a very special book that absolutely changed my life in more ways than I can even begin to count. And while much of what I learned in reading that book had stuck with me in a very real and integral way, I had gotten side-tracked by a new marriage and two more children to raise, not to mention all the other crap that life has thrown at me over the last decade. I had originally thought of digging for the book for a friend. I knew she would seriously benefit from its wisdom and I planned to find it so I could start reading it to her over the phone. But when I finally found it, I started reading it again. I couldn't help myself. There were two other books that I also dug out that I need to read, but this one couldn't wait. It demanded that I start reading, immediately, and it would not leave me alone until I had finished reading the whole damn thing. And even now it calls to me, telling me there are still some things I missed. And it demands that I share it with everyone who it can benefit from its wisdom, so I have been emailing links to my female friends who I know need it right this minute in their lives. For those of you that I don't know you need it, the book is called "Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self" by Sarah Ban Breathnach and I firmly believe it can change your life, if you let it. I know for a fact that it has changed mine in the past, and right now, at this very moment, it is changing my future. Personally I think it should be required reading for every woman in her mid-thirties and above, and I think you should re-read it every ten years, just in case you forget stuff, like I did.
When I read this book the first time, during the process of divorcing my ex-husband, I started what I have always referred to as my "ME" book. It is a take-off on one of the book's suggestions, adapted to fit my life and my circumstances, and I spent many, many hours, creating the pages within it to reflect who I really am as a person. Not as a mother, not as a wife, not as a daughter, but as a person, a unique individual whose worth and value are not determined by my roles, or outside opinions. Not who I was pretending to be at the time, but who I truly am on the deepest, most individual level. And I am a truly unique individual.
I have always known I was different, but it wasn't until I found that book that I figured out why. And that being different was not the punishment that other people saw it as, it was a gift. A tremendously precious gift that may be hard to bear at times, but is so worth the extra effort when you are willing to accept its blessings. And that has been the hardest lesson for me to learn, to accept the gifts and blessings that are my birthright, to accept that they ARE my birthright.
I realized the other day that I have spent my entire life waiting for someone I love to either grow up or die so that I could have my turn to live my own life. I am done waiting. It is my turn. They can all come along for the ride, or not, as they choose, but I am not putting my life, my self, on hold for someone else's convenience any more. I can't, I don't have the time any more.
So, if you have been following along here for very long, be prepared to see some changes in the coming weeks as I pull myself together and get ready to get on with my life. I have big plans in store for me and I am inviting you along for the ride. I hope you will join me on this grand adventure, I don't know about you, but I can guarantee I am going to have a fantastic time!
Until Next Time ...
Mother, being royal is something you were born with, and I can tell you right now, you were BORN to walk among the royals as an equal - and that's all there is to it! Go forth and SHINE!
ReplyDeleteYou are not walking alone, Mother! Congrats!! Feel the strength and support of all of womankind through the ages! You have a beautiful ROAR!!
ReplyDeleteYea! Looking forward to the ride :)
ReplyDelete