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Tuesday, January 17, 2012


I was sharing some thoughts with a friend, and I started thinking about some other friends who needed to read them, and then I figured, maybe a lot of other people should read them too.  So I have taken out anything referencing the person I was talking to in the first place, and edited the rest to share with you.

I said I have some thoughts to share, and that's what I mean..  I am not giving you advise, or making judgements, or anything of the sort.  I can only know my own life experiences and my personal experiences with other people.  No one else can ever know what another person has truly been through in their life.  No matter how many details one may share, it is only a small part of the whole picture of both the situation and the person.  People are people though, and no matter how very different we all are, we are all very much the same.  We are flawed, each in our own unique way, that's what makes life interesting.  Our flaws make us unique, and acceptance of our flaws allows us to be beautiful.

I am not really a people person, I don't have a lot of friends, and I prefer my own company to that of other people. Some would say I am antisocial, and they would probably be right. I am selfish, and I am a kind of a slob, I am lazy, and I am extremely emotional unstable at times, and guess what, I am okay with that. I beat myself up for years, trying to change who I was, and I was freaking miserable! I am never going to be able to wake up early in the morning and just get going and doing stuff. I am not a morning person. Never gonna be. When I finally gave up fighting with myself, life got a lot easier. Now I am not saying that I don't work to improve the things that need improving, life is about growth after all.  I am just saying that some things cannot be changed, but maybe they can be worked around or maybe, they aren't where your focus needs to be.

I accept that I am flawed, that I am human. I know there are some things I can never change about who I am, and what I can do. I have physical, and emotional/psychological limitations, and I have accepted that there are some things that I am just never going to be able to do.   So I learned to focus on what was right with me, instead of what was wrong with me. I found out that I was really quite intelligent, I mean, I had always known that, to a degree, but it really changed when I started college. The things my classmates struggled with seemed so simple to me, I couldn't understand how I could get it and they didn't. The teachers who claimed they NEVER gave A's to anyone, all gave me A's. Every test, in every class, I was the first one out of the room, and I always scored at least in the top 10%. My brain works great!  A little sporadically at times, but pretty damn good over-all anyway.

My point is that when I quit focusing on what I wasn't and what I couldn't do, and started focusing on what I could be and do, life really got easier. I took control of what I could control, and just let the rest go. My husband gets mad at me sometimes because I don't “work” enough, and I don't do what he thinks I should be doing all the time. I just let him rant till he's done, then I go on with whatever I was doing anyway.   I do my job, I am just going to do it in my own time and my own way. When something needs to be done right now, I do it. I wrap the mail for our businesses as soon as he is done producing it, I will stop whatever I am doing any time one of the kids needs something, but I am never going to “work” as much as he wants me to. I clean my house, as much as is necessary for a healthy life, but it will never meet other people's standards (guess what - they don't live here so it doesn't have to!). I did mention I am selfish. I need my time to do what I need to do, my art, my writing, my learning, have to be a priority for me or I will go crazy (and I mean literally, lock me up in the hospital crazy!). Been there, done that, ain't ever going back.

Focus on all that is good in you, all the things you do well, all the things you can do to make the world a better place for yourself and others. That is all we can do, is accept that we are who we are, and learn to be ok with it, warts, blemishes and all. No one else has to be okay with it, they are not relevant, no matter what they may think. Only your opinion of you is relevant, and when you learn that you are a wonderful fucking person no matter what anybody else may say, then you are on your way to happiness.

I know it isn't an easy thing, its all about baby steps. One day, and some times one minute, at a time. Take time for yourself, and focus on what you can do. I won't say I know what you are going through, I don't, but I do know that the things I have shared here are how I started clawing my way out of extreme chronic depression. I was the most self-destructive person I had ever met that didn't rely on drugs or alcohol to destroy my life. I did it deliberately and on purpose, for years and years, because I didn't think I deserved anything better. I created my own Hell, and I kept myself a prisoner there. From the time I was 15 until I was 33, I wanted to die almost every single day.

When I was 33, while I was in college and I made a friend in one of my classes who really changed my life. She told me that I “needed to get my head out of my ass and grow a backbone”, and she was so fucking right. I had laid down and allowed everyone to walk all over me and treat me like crap (especially my ex-husband) for so long that I thought that was all I deserved. She helped me to see that I deserved better. Thanks to her and some other wonderful people I met in school I learned that I was a wonderful fucking person and I deserved a lot better than the Hell I created for myself. It didn't happen over night, and it was not easy by any stretch of the imagination. I have given up a lot to get where I am now.  Some things I miss more than others, but I could never go back. I found my bliss with myself, and no one is ever going to piss on my parade again.


Like I said, I am not trying to give anyone advice, I am not making any judgments, I just wanted to share my thoughts and my experiences with anyone who might benefit from them. I only ask that you take some time to think about what I have shared, then take what ever is useful to you, and throw the rest out the window.

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