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Thursday, January 12, 2012

I hate my body!

Some days I really hate my body, well most days actually.  But not the way I am sure you are thinking.  I know most women hate the way their bodies look, I don't.  Sorry to disappoint you, but my body still looks pretty damn good, even to me.  I hate the way my body works, not the way it looks.

I am 44 years old, I have given birth to 6 children, and I have never been on a diet or exercise program in my life.  I know some people will hate me for this, but I still have exactly the same measurements as I did in High School.  I was 40 years old the first time I broke 100 pounds without being pregnant.  So, no I don't have any issue with how my body looks.

The issue I have is that my body and I do not get along.  The biggest reason that I am still the size I am is because I don't really like to eat.  Never have, but even less so now because my body is constantly fighting back against the intake of food.  I cannot eat a meal during the day without getting so sleepy that I cannot keep my eyes open, so I seldom eat more than a few crackers on any given day before dinner.  Unfortunately once dinner time rolls around I am usually unable to eat more than a few bites before I have to stop.  It is so freaking frustrating!  My husband does most of the cooking these days, frankly he is better at it and I have absolutely no problem admitting that.  He is an excellent cook, his dinners are usually delicious and I want to eat lots of it, but I never get to.  No matter how hungry I am when I sit down to dinner, after a few bites my throat and stomach start to fight against me.  If I fight back and keep eating I will puke, so I stop.  I spend the rest of the evening trying to find anything that I can get down and keep there, usually that's not much either.  My body just sucks!

So on any given day my total intake of actual food is about half of what my 7 year old eats.  While this does make it easy to maintain my "girlish figure" it is not a good thing.  And if this wasn't bad enough, I spent 6 months last year fighting "morning sickness" every day.  No I wasn't pregnant, the girlfriend of one of my dearest friends who lives almost 200 miles away was pregnant.  She didn't have "morning sickness", I had it for her.  My body just sucks!

Then we have all the issues that being a woman in her 40's brings, the hot flashes everyone talks about, nope I don't get those, I get freeze flashes.  No hot sweats either, I get cold sweats.  I am always freezing, unless it is over 85 degrees, then I am melting.  There doesn't seem to be any happy medium for me.  From October to April I were at least two layers of clothes, sometimes 3, and I am still cold.  In the summer I have to be even more careful as I have suffered from serious heat stroke in the past.  My body does not regulate its temperature at all any more.  So I have to be prepared to do it externally.  My husband tries to be sympathetic, but he just doesn't understand that my body just sucks!

So while the rest of America seems to be fighting to force everyone to eat "healthier", I am just trying to get enough calories to make it to tomorrow.  Without the empty calories of  sweet tea and Dr.Pepper I would not have the energy to get out of bed.  Everything I eat is high fat and calories, it has to be or I would waste away to nothing.  I need my french fries and junk food, because my body just sucks!

And if that all was not bad enough on its own, now add in severe chronic pain.  And guess what, I cannot take pain medicines either.  When I take an ibuprofen for a head ache it makes my legs ache like I have run a marathon, so I trade one pain for another.  Prescription pain medications make me physically ill, I have tried everyone of them over the years (all with a doctors prescription).  The best reaction I had was an itchy nose and upset stomach, the worst almost killed me.  The only thing that I can take to deal with the constant pain that I endure is pot.  But that is illegal, so I suffer.  Even though I live in a medical marijuana state, I don't have medical insurance, so I can't afford the massive series of tests that they would require in order to "prove" that I need it.  They will give me a prescription for any drug I want with a simple office visit, but they want x-rays and MRIs and tests up one side and down the other before they will prescribe a simple herb, but that is another rant. So I suffer because my body (and my government) just sucks!

So the next time you see a skinny woman don't get your panties in a twist because she is skinnier than you.  She may have more problems than you will ever realize.  Have some compassion and realize we all fight our own battles. Don't be jealous, because you probably wouldn't want to change places with her even if you could.  Be grateful for your life, and your body, no how much it sucks, because its the only one you get.  It may never match the pictures in the magazine, but remember that most of the women in those pictures don't really match them either.  Photoshop is not just for making silly pictures, it does a great job of making silly expectations too.  Don't be sucked in.  You can be a beautiful person no matter what you look like, you just have to learn to love yourself, unconditionally, and your beauty will shine through from within, even if your body just sucks!

1 comment:

  1. I think from reading this blog, YOU, MY DEAR, ARE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON!!!