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Friday, November 18, 2011

Time

Time is a funny thing. Especially in relationship to our lives today. We spend hours each week playing video games, screwing around on Facebook, Twitter, or whatever other "social networking sites" are popular this week, watching mindless entertainment on television, and then at the end of the week we sit back and wonder where all the time went. What the Hell did we do with all of that time before all of those things where invented?

I didn't get my first computer until 1997, that's only 14 years ago. Yet, if I wake up in the morning today, and for some reason I cannot log onto the internet, my day is entirely fucked. I cannot wake up in the morning without checking my email (and now Facebook too), it throws my whole mindset out of whack. I would probably accomplish a whole lot more without the constant draw of the computer beckoning me every minute of every day, but I would have a really bad attitude all the way through it.

I never have enough time to do all of the things I want to do in a day. Mostly because I waste so much of it sitting in front of the computer. The television usually doesn't stop me from getting things done because I can work on most things while I watch (or ignore) whatever is on. Its these damn computers that suck up all my time. Unfortunately, about 75% of my "work" is done on the computer, so it is not like I can really get away from it anyway. Its just finding the motivation to quit screwing around (like writing a blog) and get back to "work" that is the problem. Father is always working on "work" and 100% of his work is on the computer so he loses his patience with me once in a while, but he has learned that he just has to get over it. I work. I work a lot. And I have a lot more "jobs" than just the ones that pay us money, and those usually have to take priority. He says I am being selfish when I spend too much time doing the things I want to do rather than the things that make money, and he's probably right (he usually is). But as I tell him, I am sorry, but I don't care. I will do the things that HAVE to be done when they HAVE to be done, I always do. But I will never spend as much time on the things that SHOULD be done as I do on the things I NEED to do.

I figured out years ago that Father will never understand me. I am so completely foreign in some of my thinking that he just cannot begin to comprehend the way I feel about certain things. Especially time. Time is precious, and I will always choose to spend as much of it as possible on enjoying my life. I spent fifteen years in Hell learning the value of both my time and my happiness, and the one thing I am still sure of is that I would rather die a pauper in an unmarked grave after living a life of joy and happiness and Love, than have some fancy headstone in tribute to a life spent in pursuit of money at the expense of those things. Fortunately my wonderful husband Loves me in spite of my crazy thoughts processes, and he knows how damn lucky he is that the things I do spend my time on keep me at home and out of trouble (most of the time) and they don't usually cost him anything except when he wants them to.

So maybe I am selfish with my time, and I know I waste far more of it than I would like, but I am happy with my life for the first time ever and I refuse to allow anyone to change that. I know I don't spend enough time on things I probably should, but if I did I wouldn't have the time to ramble on endlessly to complete strangers who really probably "should" be working too.

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