Let In The Light

Holy Toledo Internet People!  Can you believe it is finally Friday?!  I was beginning to think this week would never come to an end.  No. not really, but it sure felt that way a few times.  It has been a long week.  Yes, I know it hasn't really been any longer than any other week (actually I think its shorter since we skip an hour this weekend), but it felt that way.  And I don't know why.  It wasn't a bad week.  It has actually been the best week I have had in months as far as the business side of my life goes.  And it has been pretty good for my personal life as well, so I am not sure why this week has seemed to go on forever, but it sure has to me.

I didn't make a whole lot of progress on the basket yesterday.  For some strange reason I just couldn't get into sewing at all.  That's why we ended up with three Blog posts yesterday.  I probably should have churned out a few more, but I pretty much just spent the day wandering around inside my head.  It is a very interesting place, I can get lost there for hours.  I try not to, but there is so much to see and do, so many things to think about, sometimes I just can't help myself.

I used to hate it there.  It used to be a very dark and scary place.  But I did some remodeling a few years back, put in some windows, cleaned out the cobwebs, installed new  lights, and just brightened it all up so that it is a much more enjoyable place to spend my time.  I probably spend way too much time there now, but its so nice to have a place to go where I can lock all the hateful stupid people out and just be free to enjoy myself and the worlds I have constructed there. 

Once in a while I will still wander into one of the dark corners that were missed in the remodel project.  They remind me of where I do NOT want to ever go again.  

Light.  Light really is the answer when I think about it.  Depression is darkness, and there is only one way to dispel the darkness, with light.  Figuratively and literally, that is what I did that changed my life.  I turned the fucking lights on.  I opened the curtains and let the sunshine in.  I use "light therapy" in a big way without even realizing it.  Light, and Gratitude, saved me from myself.

I'll get back to the gratitude later because I think that is equally important but I don't want to lose my train of thought on the light issue because this is actually a new concept for me.  Not the idea of "light therapy", I heard of that years ago and knew then that there was some logic to it.  But the idea that I had actually been doing it all along and not realized it, that is a new concept.  

Okay, so, when I was a teenager was when my depression really kicked in.  Guess where I was living at the time?  In a dark basement.  I spent a great majority of my time down there, as much time as possible whenever I was at home.  And throughout my life, whenever my depression was at its worst was when I was living (or working) somewhere with extremely dim lighting and little to no natural sunlight.  

I was still early in my "recovery" from depression, if that's what you want to call it, when I met my husband.  When I first moved in with him, he had all the windows on one side of the house covered up.  The first thing I did when I moved in was make him take it all down.  He tried explaining his logic for putting it up to keep the blinding afternoon sun out, but that was not relevant, I knew then I couldn't live there with the windows covered up.  Curtains or mini blinds can cut down the brightness at the worst time of the day, but I need the windows clear.  And I need light.  I made him install more light fixtures throughout the house and I think I bought a dozen new lamps.  At the time I just thought I needed all the extra light to be able to see clearly, but now I realize it affects far more than just the way my eyes see, it also affects how my mind sees.

Even today, if I forget to open the curtains in the morning I will start feeling down.  The minute I let the light in I start feeling better.  I'd probably feel even better if I actually went outside and spent some time in the sunshine, but there is no point in pushing it.  For now, I think I will just sit here for a while, gazing out the window at the day, and wander a little bit more in my favorite landscape.  Until next time ...