Now, to have a "legal" prescription, this is a dream come true for me.
The only problem is that, while my medicine helps me manage my pain and other psychological issues, it doesn't make me hungry. I spent three decades training my body to ignore the "munchies", and I did a damn good job of it. I haven't eaten Breakfast in the morning for at least 25 years, and Lunch is not an everyday meal either. I can ignore the most pitiful pains and pleas from my stomach, mostly without even really realizing I am doing it anymore. I did some figuring yesterday, and granted my brain is still fuzzy, so my numbers may be off a little, but as near as I can tell, I have been surviving on a diet of under 500 calories a day in real food, and well over 2,000 calories of just plain sugar. Sometimes it was corn syrup, or whatever, but just pointless empty fucking calories all the way around.
Of course the fact that EVERYTHING tastes like crap right now doesn't fucking help either. But I am trying really hard to fight through this and just freakin eat stuff, mostly healthy stuff. I looked at the idea of trying to set up a "food plan", but I don't think that is really going to be useful for me at this point, so I am going with a food journal instead. Keeping track of everything I eat during the day forces me to be conscious of my choices, and more importantly, my non-choices. If the list is too short at the end of the day, I'll know where I fucked up, and can figure out how to do better tomorrow. The idea is to eat at least as much, preferably more, than I did the day before. So far so good, unfortunately I am only halfway through day 3 here, so I am not getting too excited yet.
I will find my way past this, because I have to. If I don't, I die, and I have way too much fucking shit left to do, I do not have time for dying. Besides I promised my oldest son that I would be around to meet his Grandchildren, and since I still don't have any Grandchildren, it is looking like this is going to be a long term commitment. If there is anyone out there who has any experience in coping, or helping others cope with eating disorders, I sure wouldn't mind hearing from you. I have no medical insurance, and no money, so professional help just ain't gonna happen. I would be extremely and eternally grateful for any help or support that anyone might be able to offer. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but for the first time, I think I am looking forward to journeying towards health. Just make sure somebody slaps me if I start going all "health-food fanatic" at some point, that ain't where I want to go. I just want to eat and have the energy to actually get off my ass and do something!
Until Next Time ...