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Saturday, November 2, 2013

Mother Has A Question

Hello again Lovely Internet People!  Mother is feeling rather unwell today, actually, Mother just feels like shit.  I try not to talk to all of you about all of the physical failings of my body because I really doubt that very many people care and there is nothing any one can do to fix it even if they did care, so it seems rather pointless to mention it all the time.  Of course since I don't spend a great deal of time detailing all my ailments and issues most people assume that I am just a lazy person who doesn't want to work for a living when nothing could be further from the truth.  I would LOVE to be able to work for a living at a real job like a real person, but I cannot.  So I get to spend my days spinning the wheels in my head trying to figure out some way that I could possibly earn enough money to pay my freakin bills and maybe even have some money left over to eat.  

I want to work.  I actually enjoy working almost as much as I enjoy learning new things.  I spend thousands of hours each year working my ass off, but none of the work that I do translates into monetary compensation, at least not much, certainly not enough to survive on.  I am not a greedy person, I don't need lots of money, I just need enough to make sure the lights stay on and that I have a place to turn the lights on in. And maybe some food, I don't eat much, but them danged kids still think they need to eat every day for some strange reason. Silly children.

I have never really minded being poor.  I don't lack for much of anything that is important to me, mostly because there aren't very many things that money can buy which are important to me.  Beyond paying the bills the only reason to have money as far as I can see, is to make life better, for yourself and those around you.  And there are a lot of things I could make a lot better if I had the money to do them, but very little in my life would change, other than not having to stress out every damn day about whether or not I will have a roof over my head next month.

The hardest thing to deal with at the moment is that I know pretty much exactly what I want to do now with the rest of my life, and I think I can make a living at it, someday, but someday is probably going to be a long ways away, and I don't know if I have the time to wait.  And, of course, in order to do what I want to do I am going to need to spend some money on it, long before I stand any chance of making any money from it.  And it is entirely possible that I will never make any substantial money from it and it will prove to be just another of the many ways I have gone about wasting money I do not have on a feeble attempt to improve my lot in life which will do little to nothing beyond costing me money.

My gawd is it any wonder I am fucking crazy?!?  How could anyone who is me, not be crazy?  But the question remains, am I crazy because of my life, or is my life crazy because I am?  I don't know anymore.  At this particular moment in time I am not sure that I know much of anything except that I have to do something, even if it is wrong.  Which it probably will be because I can't seem to do much of anything right.

I could probably really use some help from people who know what the heck they are doing, but since I am incapable of asking for help I am trying to figure out everything on my own and I am not having a lot of success at the moment.  I am overwhelmed and under funded and not sure what the best way to go about doing all of this is or even if this is worth bothering doing.  Is my having fun and bringing a tiny bit of joy to any one who happens upon it really worth a few hundred dollars when I don't have any hundreds of dollars?  I guess when you consider how many thousands of dollars I have spent on quilting stuff that will never make me a dime this doesn't seem like such a bad idea.  Especially when you consider how much I really do not even like quilting, but was just using it as a way to not face the reality that is my life.

I have been thinking about selling off a lot of my quilting stuff that I am never going to use and using that money to fund this project.  Unfortunately I will probably have to explain to my husband at some point what I am doing and why, and I really don't want to do that.  I am pretty sure he could be helpful and supportive, but I can't let him because I can't really explain what I am doing or how it is going to make any money any time soon.  Mr. Logical and Practical is not going to like any of this very much I am afraid.  I think I can justify it enough to get him to go along with it, but I would really like to not involve him any more than absolutely necessary.  I just don't need the additional stress that he tends to bring to anything I try to do.
Okay, I think I have probably outdone myself in the talking in circles and never really saying anything category today.  No wonder I can't get anyone to come read this stupid Blog, when I constantly fill it up with such ridiculously boring and stupid posts like this one what the heck did I expect?  And if I can't even come up with enough interesting and entertaining crap to get people to come to this Blog, why on earth would I think I could come up with anything that would make them go anywhere else that I might be able to receive some form of monetary compensation from?  Yes, I have officially lost my mind.  But since I have never let that stop me before I really don't see any reason to start now.  

I hope somebody out there found something in here worth giggling at, and I would really like to hear from you if you are that somebody.  I know, I know, I tell you all the time that I don't care if people don't like what I post, but I really do care very much if you do like what I post, and I would love to hear that from you once in a while.  I know I am not very good at dealing with people, but I really do want to Love everyone, and to bring a little happiness into as many lives as possible, and it would probably be helpful if I had some kind of idea what I have to offer that would fulfill that intention. Pretty much everything I have written here, and most of what I have posted on my Facebook pages, are things that bring me some kind of enjoyment, but what is it that I post that you all find enjoyment in?  What is it that you all want from me?  Any positive input would be greatly appreciated.

Until next time ...                                     

1 comment:

  1. Well, Mother, I, for one, enjoy knowing that there is another kindred spirit out there who struggles with many of the same issues I have. However, that other spirit seems to have much more pleasure in being/feeling crazy and writing about it--successfully. Like you, but still unlike you, I want to work--in a way, that is. If I could find a way to stay home and help people the way I used to when I did not have to work outside the home, that would suit me just fine. I do not want to work at the job that makes me the most money right now, but at the one that finally pays above minimum wage, the job that actually makes me feel good and like I am contributing to the betterment of people rather than the one where I am watching little people beat up their bodies in the sport of gymnastics. Anyway, Mom, may I just call you Mom or is that too familiar-- or ridiculous seeing as I am sure I am a good bit older than you are, you do us all a service by brightening our days. That is all I can offer; I can't help you further since I am not one of those who knows what the heck they are doing. Still searching the long lonely path of bewilderment, I am.