Why I Won't Be Reasonable

Hello again Lovely Internet People!  The other day I spent several hours in here, venting and raging and typing my little fingers off on a very bitchy type Blog Post about something that happened out in the "real" world that pissed me off.  Then my wonderful husband came in here, read one sentence out of the hundred that were on the page, took it entirely out of context, and then spent the next hour raging at me.  I deleted that post without posting it by the way, out of sheer frustration and exasperation, and because I never did find a way to finish it and I forgot the point of why I was writing it in the first place, not just because he was being ridiculous. 

Now I have stated before that I am not allowed to discuss my husband when we are fighting, but, since "we" were never actually fighting, and since I am not actually mad at him at the moment, I am gonna talk about it anyway.

He's been under a great deal of stress lately, much of it self-induced, but most of it from external and uncontrollable sources, and it seems that for a moment there he kinda forgot who I was.  So while he is standing there telling me how "unambitious" I am, and how I need to be more "reasonable and responsible", all I can do is look at him and wonder just who the heck he is talking to.  

I mean really now, you would think after 12 years together he might have learned something about me. And, to be fair, he really has, but apparently he forgets all that shit when he decides to displace his displeasure with the rest of the world onto me.  I am quite sure I do the same thing to him on a regular basis, so it all evens out in the end I guess.

Once he exhausted his need to vent all of his frustrations and other assorted non-classified emotions he was quick to acknowledge that he was being ridiculous.  And I was quick to remind him that being ridiculous is MY job in this relationship, and while I don't mind sharing the load occasionally, I have no intention of relinquishing the position.

I am not ever going to be "reasonable" or "responsible".  It is not something I am psychologically, or physiologically, capable of doing.  Okay, that's not exactly true.  I am very capable of being both reasonable and responsible, but doing so causes intense, chronic, debilitating, physical and psychological depression. That is not something I have any interest in going back to, ever again, thanks anyway.  

I do my very best not to be Irresponsible or Unreasonable.  I don't have credit cards, I don't go out and party, I don't drink, or use drugs, or gamble, and I sure don't sit around on my ass all day eating bonbons and watching soap operas.  But I cannot be expected to worry about the things the rest of the world wants me to worry about, I just can't do it, and I am not even going to pretend to try any more.  I was honest about all of this from the very beginning it really should not be a surprise to him now.

As for being "unambitious", nothing could be farther from the truth, and he knows that better than any one.  I am probably one of the most ambitious people I know.  I just don't have the kinds of ambitions that other people think I should, nor do I generally share any of my ambitions with any one else, because they are not usually what other people would consider reasonable, and they probably border on irresponsible most of the time.  

Go ahead and tell me that making twin sized quilts for every one of my parents' 12 great-grandchildren, plus several more twin and queen sized ones for 4 of their grandchildren, in less than two years, was not an ambitious undertaking for someone with no money, no time, and very little quilt making experience.  It was extremely fucking ambitious!  It was also extremely unreasonable, and probably more than a little irresponsible.  

The reason I never did anything more with my life than what I have done is because of all the people who required me to be reasonable and responsible when they should have been feeding the fires of my ambition instead.  If there is one determining factor in why I adore my husband no matter how often he intrudes into my realm of ridiculousness, it is because he feeds those fires, even when he thinks he shouldn't.  He might bitch, he might moan, he might even try to explain to me how foolish and unreasonable I am being, but he will pull out all the stops to help support and encourage what ever it is I want to do the moment I express an interest in doing something.  I still don't expect him to, but some how he always does it any way.

For now we have returned to the happy equilibrium where he takes care of the responsible and reasonable stuff, and I take care of everything else.  I have enough to do without worrying about all that reality nonsense.   

Until next Time ...