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Sunday, March 4, 2012

The Joy (and Terror) of Writing Again

Oh my goodness we had a beautiful day here at Mother's house today! The sun was shining and it actually almost made it to being warm outside. I spent 4 hours in the front yard cleaning salt grass out the first of several flower beds that haven't been really touched since last Spring. We don't really get a lot of weeds, the salt grass chokes the rest out I think, but that damn salt grass is a nightmare! I will never get rid of it. It can't be done. The damn roots run at least 3 feet and sometimes much further underground and are branched a thousand times each I swear! Okay, so that is an exaggeration, but not by much. My fingers are sore, my knees and my back are aching, but I sure do feel good! To finally be outside in the sunshine after being cooped up in the house since the end of October was exactly what I needed today!

It is still early in the day (for me at least) and I probably should get off my skinny little butt and go out to my studio to get some other work done, but I am tired and I would rather sit here and type than stand out there and do any of the dozen or more tasks awaiting me out there. Its funny, I don't think I could have imagined myself saying that even a year ago. Well, that I was tired and didn't want to do anything, yes, I say that all the time, but that I would rather type than play out in my studio when it is actually warm enough to be out there? That I wouldn't have even considered. I even had a blog back then, but I never got involved in it like I have this one. It is hard to get excited about writing when you aren't allowed to write about 90% of the things that are important to you because they might offend somebody. Now that I no longer give a crap, blogging has become much more fun!

I am so very glad to have gotten back into writing. I remember when I was a kid and I first discovered how much I loved to write. Back then there was no computers at home, and I never could learn to type very well, so I wrote everything out by hand on paper. I mentioned in an earlier post I think that I still have boxes of those papers out in my studio. I tried to keep a copy of everything I wrote. And I wrote a lot, from about the age of 12 until I was 22. I had to quit writing when I married my first husband because he didn't like it and would use anything I wrote down on paper against me in one way or another.

When I bought my first computer in 1997, I tried to start writing again, but he just made my life so miserable over it that I finally restricted my writing only to what was required for school just to try to keep the peace. Even after I left him 3 years later I just couldn't get comfortable with writing again. I was always so worried about upsetting my mother with what I wrote that I just couldn't write anything. I had the most awesome Creative Writing teacher in High School and she always told me to write from what you know. Well when the life you have lived and the things you believe in are so totally contrary to the people who claim to care about you, it makes it difficult to find anything from “what you know” that you are “allowed“ to write about.

But as I said, now that I don't give a crap anymore, the whole world has opened up to me, and I want to talk to it. Not everybody is gonna like what I have to say, and as much as anyone might want to think so now, no one is ever going to agree with everything I write (trust me just give me time). I don't ever write with the intent to hurt anyone or to offend anyone even, that just seems to come naturally to me. I know I have strong opinions and beliefs that are kinda uniquely my own, but I came by them honestly, I earned them, and I do not apologize for them. I might apologize for offending you when I know I am being offensive, but I won't stop and I won't apologize for saying what I think needs to be said.

And that is the biggest surprise to me I think, I never really wrote about what I believed or the things I cared about before. I wrote fiction, and I wrote poetry, and I liked to write research reports, but I never kept a diary or a journal. I never wrote down my thoughts or beliefs because I was so frightened that other people would use them against me. Mostly because any time I had tried, that was exactly what happened. I had a therapist once while I was married to my ex who wanted me to write down my thoughts and feelings as part of my therapy, Somehow my ex got a hold of some of what I had written and tried to use it against me in our divorce, and when that did not work he used it constantly to try to poison my children, until my own daughter hated me so much that she tore our family apart and has not spoken to me since. So yes, I know what it is to have your words come back to haunt you, especially when one sick twisted individual twists those words into things that were never said, or the things that were actually said by them are attributed to you.

So if people want to take offense to what I say, or to try to twist and pervert my words to try to hurt me again, then that is the price I will have to pay because I just can't go back to being silent. Too much is going too terribly wrong in the world around us for any of to stay silent any more. We all need to speak out against the injustice and hypocrisy and fight back for our lives, because that is what is at stake. Those who are destroying our countries and our world will not be stopped by our silence, our silence strengthens them. When we speak out for what is right, we strengthen ourselves, and everyone around us. So I will keep speaking, and I hope more of you will join me, in whatever way you choose. I hope you will find your voices and speak out against those who would deprive you of your freedoms, your dignity, or your rights.

Yes, to be perfectly honest, I am still terrified ever time I write a post and publish it online. I am always waiting and watching for the attack, never sure when or where it will come from. That's why the comments on this blog are “moderated” and why I monitor every post and comment on my Facebook page like a maniac, I know people are going to attack me for what I say. Thank goodness for the dang ban and delete feature on Facebook or I would not be able to write at all. I just can't stand to read the hateful attacks that have no basis in reality, they sadden me, and they make me angry. Not even so much because they are attacking me or my words, but their ignorance and intolerance is just so very disturbing. Those are the things I am fighting against more than anything, and it bothers me that people can't see that, or that they see something wrong with that. I just can't shut up anymore, probably more because of those who would disagree with me than because of those who actually want to hear it. The ignorant and intolerant need to hear what I am saying, and if I can get even one of them to stop and think about anything for even one minute, well then, I will call that a job well done.

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