Fighting Perfect

Hello again Internet People!  Sorry Mother has been M.I.A. the last couple of days.  You remember that "long-term" hand applique project I shared with you all last week, yeah, well, at some point around noon on Sunday it became my newest obsession.  I had to do a little modification to the design because I am a dumbass and used cheap ass fabric for the black part and it is unraveling like, well, like cheap ass fabric.  So, this is going to look like shit when it is done, but for some odd reason I have this compelling need to finish it.  I guess I need the practice anyway, and fighting against cheap crappy fabric provides ample opportunity for practice.  Practice ripping my hair out.    

I have come to the realization lately that my "perfectionism" that I thought I had brought under control through my extreme laziness regime, is still running rampant inside my head.  And you know why?  Because I can't fucking see!  My eye sight limitations require me to get extremely up-close and personal with my work, and when you work that closely with anything you are going to see every fucking imperfection standing out like an inflamed wound.  No wonder I always thing my stuff is crappy, if I looked that closely at other people's work they would probably look even crappier than mine!  But I don't do that.  Its funny, I know a lot of quilter's are that way, and I would venture to guess that other artists also fight against that perfectionism crap.  When I look at a quilt or other piece of art from someone else I NEVER look for the imperfections.  It doesn't even occur to me to try to find them, but I can list every single flaw in every single piece I have ever produced.  Most of which no one else can see, even when I point them out!  

So part of the reason for continuing to work on this project even though I know it will never be anything but crap, is forcing myself to confront that perfectionism issue.  And as bad as I think it is, I will bet that no one else will ever notice there is a damn thing wrong with it.  I mean, if I was to enter it into a quilting competition or something like that, they might figure out how bad it really is, but no one else will ever look at it that closely.  

I really just need to fucking relax and stop trying so damn hard.  The whole concept that I might ever be able to earn a living with my "Art" is just too stressful, I put too much pressure on myself and that never turns out well for anyone when I do that.  So, fuck it.  I am done with that idea.  I am never going to be able to "earn a living" at anything, so I am done fucking trying.  My husband just better out live me.  Otherwise I am totally screwed.