Saturday, November 17, 2012
Finding The Art In Me
Well, I started out doing pretty good today. I managed to write two Blog posts before the waves of pain took over and I couldn't focus on the words any more. I think they are starting to subside again now, so I am back and trying this shit again. We shall see how far I get this time.
I spent some time earlier today looking through my "Me" book that I made a few years ago. I started it during the months leading up to leaving my ex-husband. I was trying to discover who I really was after a lifetime of trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be. It was a very fulfilling exercise in art, and thought processing, and I still find comfort in the pages I created whenever I take the time to open it.
The binding has given up on the idea of holding the pages together, but most of the pages are substantial enough to support themselves so I have left them unbound. There are dozens of pages of collages created from cutting pictures out of magazines, some with captions or quotes tying them together. There are also dozens of pages of collages done with stencils and gel pens, many of them with wording as well. A few pages of my own drawings and sketches are thrown in for variety. And there are dozens of pages of inspirational quotes and messages, all hand written in a multitude of colors. It was never meant to be seen by anyone but me.
As I flipped through the pages today I think I finally may have found the key to pulling my artistic vision out of my head for others to enjoy. I think my tendency to set myself up for failure has been guiding my ambitions lately, and taking a moment to genuflect on my self, on my life and its challenges, has given me some probably much needed perspective on how I want to go forward. I have been trying to force myself into being able to do things that probably cannot be done, at least not by me at this point in life. I need to get back to what I can do, and focus on what brings me joy so that I can share that joy with others.
The hardest part of any of this is finding the faith in my own abilities, and then holding on to it. We end up right back here battling that "Bi-polar ego" thing I have talked about before. My gawd I have been sewing for nearly 40 fucking years and I still have days where I feel like I don't know how to do shit. Which is totally untrue, I probably know more than 90% of the people who actual make a living doing it, but I still feel inadequate. I always feel inadequate. Except when I don't. At those moments I can do anything, and there is nothing that can stand in my way. Except for me of course. I can always stand in my way, I am really good at that.