Mother is "Down" For The Count ...

Hello Internet People!  I wasn't planning on writing today, but I just finished putting the binding on my third quilt of the weekend and I am really not feeling like starting on anything else at the moment, so here I am.  I only have four more quilts left to be quilted, at least that are pinned and ready to quilt.  Two of those are big ones, so I am not in a hurry to get around to them.  

I have been running ideas through my head for designing the rest of the quilted clothing I want to make.  And I have been playing with some new ideas on what I really want to do with my art.  I have given up on the idea that I will ever be able to sell any of it anyway so I might as well just do what I want to do and not worry about whether or not anybody else might fucking like it or not.  The idea that I might be able to make a living at anything that I could actually do is just fucking ridiculous no matter what I try to do, so I am not even going to fucking try anymore.  Yeah, I still have to work for my husband, and hopefully I can help him get back to being able to make a living for us, but on my own I am just fucked, so there is no point in fighting it anymore.

                       

That would be what I refer to as my "down" swing of my ego, it is usually the one that is based in reality anyway, so I should probably learn to just go with it.  Unfortunately an "up" swing is just around the corner where I will start thinking that if I just tried a little harder, maybe someday I could do something worth something to someone besides me, that ain't gonna happen of course, but I will start thinking it might, only to crash back to reality when I finally remember it won't. 

So, fuck it.  I am just gonna go back to making whatever the hell I want to make with no concern to whether or not anybody might possibly ever want to buy it.  I could be a better artist than Leonardo da Vicni and no one would ever want to buy what I made so it really does not matter what I do.  Besides, I will probably never fucking finish any of the "art" pieces I ever start anyway.

Yes, I know how ridiculous I sound, but the sad part is it is totally true.  I will never be anyone, or do anything.  To believe otherwise would be to feed the delusions and at the moment I am just not up to it.  Don't worry, tomorrow is another day, and by then I may have swung in the other direction, in which case of course I will be invincible and capable of great feats of delusional thinking.  Until then, I will be sitting here beating myself up for ever thinking I had a chance at doing something productive with my life.