Thursday, December 27, 2012
Time To Write Again
Hello again Internet People! I decided I better start getting back into the routine of writing everyday if I am ever going to go forward with the whole idea of ever doing anything with it. I knew going into Thanksgiving that I was going to have a rough time of the holiday season this year, and not writing during that time actually helped me get through it a little easier. I have a nasty habit of fixating on things that bother me, to the point where I lose touch with everything else that matters and can only see the absolute horror and tragedy of that one specific thing (whatever the hell it may be this week). That was my main goal this year, just to get through this damn season of "joy" without giving in to the fixations. And I have to say, I did pretty damn good this year. I still have one more day to get through, but it is the one I am most used to, so I don't expect it will be too terribly bad this year.
I don't really know how to explain just how incredibly difficult the holidays are for me. It has less to do with "Christmas" itself than the other days around it. Christmas is hard, but it has always been a day about disappointments more than anything else, so that's not really that big of a deal anymore. No, you see my issue with this time of year is with the birthdays of real children, my children. If you haven't been following along the short version is that I had three children with my ex-husband. The first was stillborn on New Year's Day six months after we were married, the second was born 7 weeks premature three days before the next Christmas, and the third was born a year and a half later. Due to circumstances beyond my control I have not seen or heard from the two younger ones in almost 7 years. They are full grown adults now, my son celebrated his 21st birthday last week, and that was the day I almost lost it. I wanted so badly to reach out to him, to let him know how much I miss him every single gawd damn day. But I can't. And knowing that I can't is the single hardest thing that I have to live with.
So, maybe you can see why dwelling on all of this is not fucking good for my fragile mental health. Now that the worst of it is behind me for another year I need to focus on other things and get moving in the right direction again. And that is why I am going to try to get back to this whole writing stuff everyday thing again. I was doing pretty good before I shut it down for the holidays, hopefully I can do even better now.
I need to figure out a long term writing project that I can start working on. If I ever want to try to publish a book I would have to actually write one first. The writing part doesn't bother me nearly as much as the figuring out what the fuck to write about part does. Its as bad as the figuring out which art quilt project to work on next. Too many fucking options and never enough hours in a lifetime to accomplish them all. So, of course it becomes absolutely essential that I waste hundreds of those precious hours not doing a damn thing because I could choose one thing to do. Yeah, that shit is getting kind of old. I would really like to move beyond that and just get to work on stuff. Until then, I am going to be doing a lot of rambling here on the Blog since that at least makes me feel like I have accomplished something, even if it isn't much.