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Monday, September 9, 2013

I Can't Change the World, So I Am Just Gonna Create A Better One

Hello there all my favorite Internet People!  I hope everyone out there in the interwebs is happy, healthy, and living in peace with their world.  Hahaha, yeah, like that might happen.  Mother had another little tiny nervous breakdown again this weekend, but this one came with a bonus!  

I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try, I am never going to be able to change this world into one I can fit into.  It just isn't going to happen, not in my lifetime anyway.  So, since this world is not fit for me, I have decided to create my own.  That's the bonus.

I have always loved the line from the show "Myth Busters", Adam always says, "I reject your reality and substitute my own".  That is what I am doing.  I am creating a new reality. Okay, maybe not a reality, but I am creating a realistic fantasy world where everyone is actually equal, where greed and corruption are non-existent, where all people are valued, all life is valued.  

I am still working through the details, but this is going to be epic!  I had spent the weekend working on other writing projects, but none of them were giving me much to work with.  The idea for the story about "Camp Purgatory", I am just not ready to relive all of that hell right now.  I thought I was, but I was wrong.  I do believe it will make a great story someday, but I still have too much anger and resentment that I haven't been able to let go of yet, and rehashing all of it right now is not going to be healthy for me.  Then I had the idea to pull out the historical fiction novels I started working on 15 years ago.  I have actually three novels, all written out in my head, all I have to do is get it out of there and onto paper, but the subject matter is just not something I can deal with right now either.  Instead of filling me with enthusiasm to get the story out, it just pisses me off that the story could be true, even though it isn't.

So, after spending an entire day running around in circles like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to find a story I could write, I just broke down.  Everything was pointless.  This world is never going to accept anything I do as having value, why bother?  I am never going to be allowed to be a free person in a society that discredits everything I believe, everything I am.  I am just one tiny little poor woman fighting against centuries of oppression and degradation, I don't stand a chance.  And don't give me that line about how one person can change the world, that may be true for some people, but it is never going to be my truth.  I have to accept that or I will drive myself crazy, or crazier, as the case may be.

So, since I know I cannot change this world, what options do I have?  Well, I can just keep on suffering, just like I have always done, or I could kill myself, like I have always wanted to, or, ... is there another option?  

Why yes, yes there is!  It finally came to me yesterday morning.  After spending hours crying my little eyes out for how badly I have fucked up any chance I might have had for the life I really wanted, it finally dawned on me:  If you don't like this world, maybe you should create your own!  So that is exactly what I am doing. 

What would Earth look like if there had never been any religions?  What would it look like if patriarchal systems never existed?  Where would we be if all people were actually valued, equally?  What if intelligence and education were treated as priorities, rather than something to be ridiculed?  If the common good had been our priority, rather than individual greed?  What if war was never even considered as an option?  This is the world I am creating, and it is good.  No, it is better than good, it is Freakin' Fabulous!  

So, I hope you all will forgive me if I may tend to neglect you all a bit in the coming weeks.  I like my world better, and I think I am going to start spending a majority of my time there.  I will keep finding to time to pop in here occasionally, to keep you updated, but I don't want to get stuck in your world anymore.  It is just too damn depressing for me.  I am building my world as quickly as I can, so hopefully you all can come join me in it soon, if you so choose.  Just remember, we don't allow for mean or stupid in my world, so check those at the door before you go dragging that foulness into my beautiful brave new world!

Until next time ...

  

6 comments:

  1. Truly can relate somewhat to your post... I am 63 and my life certainly has not gone the way I have wanted..
    I do have three children I love dearly - One never keeps in touch, another is choosing to totally fuck up his life and praying he sees the light and my last she seems to be on track -- of course all the kids say it's my fault for working my ass of to make sure they had food on the table oh and picking men who were total assholes to them.
    So I have been thinking about my life - I have accepted the fact that I have to live on $1k a month and can't afford crap.. might as well accept it nothing I can do to change it.
    Some people get the love, the money, the good life and I can honestly say none of my family have been that lucky.
    Oh well what are you going to do .. so you want to create your own world - I wish you the best! Please let us know how it goes we may also decide to venture out on our own.
    Respectfully
    LH

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    1. Lexie Dear, If your kids are over 25 (which I am guessing they probably are) then it is time for them to quit blaming you for their problems and take responsibility for their own lives. We all make mistakes, but I would be willing to bet you did the best you could with what you had to work with. I might occasionally complain about something my parents did that helped lay the foundation for how I got to be so messed up, but I was the one who messed my life up, not them. People love to play the blame game, but they don't realize they are the only ones to blame. I know who is to blame for my life, and it isn't anybody but me. Just like the only one who has any power to fix it, is me.

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  2. Oh, dear Lexie, sounds like me this past weekend, and you as well, Mother. The old cliche is that "misery loves company"; however, it also needs camaraderie. Thank you both for providing it when it is so badly needed.

    Sandy

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  3. I would truly enjoy sharing the vision you have for your world, please invite me when everything is in place! :D

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  4. "I deny your reality & substitute my own."....Adam Savage

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    1. Yeah, that's the one! I love that guy! He's just so darned cute!

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