Just Thinking Aloud ...

Hello again all you lovely Internet People!  Your favorite crazy Mother was foolish enough to sit down here and think she was going to get to write something for all of you.  The moment I got the computer all set up and ready to be typed upon, the boys came in and turned on their cursed video games.  So, now every time I try to concentrate on anything this insidious little tune seeps into my brain and forces all coherent thought out the other side. I could go somewhere else to type, but where would the fun be in that?  What would I have to bitch about?  I am sure I would come up with something, like the fact that there is no where else in this house that I can be comfortable while I type, but bitching about the kids is more fun.  Because I could change them if I so choose, its far more fun to bitch about things you can change than things you can't.  That's not fun, that's just frustrating.

Anyway, I didn't set out to be bitchy today, so let's see if I can find something else to talk about.  Um, well, let's see, ... nope, can't think of a damn thing.  Just kidding. 

I think I mentioned before that I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, trying to figure out just what the heck I am going to do with the rest of my life.  I have never had the luxury of an option before, and now suddenly it feels as if I do and I would really like to make the most of it.  So I have been examining my self, my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my fears, and even my insecurities to try to determine what direction I want to go with what is left of my time here on this planet.

I know I keep coming in here with all these grandiose ideas of what I could do, from Art Quilting, to creating a whole new planet, to ... whatever the fuck else I have mentioned over the course of the last two years.  This is the problem with being such a multi-talented person, I never know which talent I am supposed to pursue.  I know one of them is important, maybe all of them are, but trying to strip away all the external bullshit to determine what it is I need to do is proving rather difficult.  I have come to realize that there are so many things that I do, which I claim great enjoyment in, that I really don't like very much, but I receive approval from other people for doing them, so I convinced myself I liked doing them, just so I could get a tiny bit of approval from someone else.  

Like quilting.  I really don't enjoy 90% of the process, its boring, and repetitive, and just plain dull.  But I have spent thousands of dollars, and thousands of hours, learning everything I could about it, because my parents and my husband showed their approval, and even supported my obsessive attention to it.  I do love fabric, and playing with it in different ways, but I really don't like making quilts very much.  

So, I am trying to figure out what the hell I really do like doing.  And what is really important to me.  And how to put those things together to build a future for myself that can improve my life, and maybe even a few other people's lives as well.  I know, sounds like it should be pretty simple.  Sounds to me like something I should have done 30 years ago, but I didn't know I had that option then.  Now I do, and since I don't have quite as much time in front of me as I did at 16, it is that much more important that I straighten this shit out now once and for all.  Or, at least for now.  Life is about change after all, nothing is really permanent.

It is amazing how difficult it is to try to sort out what it is that I really enjoy doing from what I have learned is acceptable for me to enjoy doing.  Maybe I am intellectualizing the whole thing a lot more than I should be, but there are a lot of factors at work in my psyche and I would kinda like to understand where they all went wrong.  And more importantly, to understand what I can do for myself to make it better, to make me better.  Hey just because I am Awesome doesn't mean I can't be even better. 

I want to live the rest of my life in an attempt to gain my own approval.  Not other people's approval, mine.  I want to move forward in my life being true to who I truly am, but who the hell is that?  Every time I sit down and try to define who I am, there is this little voice in my head that keeps repeating its mantra, "some one isn't going to like that".  Fortunately it has no answer for why I should give a crap whether or not someone else likes it, so it is getting quieter, but its still there.

I don't know, maybe it is all just a mid-life crisis phase.  I will be celebrating my 46th birthday next week, and while I am not one to worry about getting older, I am wondering if there isn't a whole lot more I could be doing with what is left of my life.  I know I am not living up to my full potential, not even close.  I have always known that, but it never bothered me nearly as much as it does now.  I have always felt like I was being robbed of what I truly deserved from life, but now I feel like a lot of other people are being robbed too.  I am different for a reason, and that reason is to help other people accept their own differences.  If I am hiding my differences, I am not being very helpful am I?  The rest of the world deserves a chance to get to know me, because for every person who will decide they don't like me, I know there will be five who do like me, maybe more.  I am fucking Awesome after all.                                                   
I think it is all starting to finally come together in my head.  I don't want to talk about it yet, and that is what leads me to believe I am really heading in the right direction this time.  Instead of just shooting it out there to see if I can get any approval for it, I am just going to keep playing it out in my own head for a while longer and see how long it holds my approval.  I am really liking it so far, and I am trying really hard not to think about how my husband is going to react, because I am fairly certain he will hate it.  I can't worry about that right now.  It is not relevant.  I am not going to allow his lack of approval to stop me, not this time.  Not ever again.  

That's the plan anyway.  Only time will tell how it will actually play out, but I am determined to start living pretty damn soon.  46 years of existing just isn't enough anymore, I need to live!  I need my damn turn at life.  No matter how terrifying success might be to me, I can handle it.  I am strong enough to win once in a while.  I might even be strong enough to win the life I have always dreamed of, if I can just remember what the heck that was.

Until Next Time ...